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F i n e T u n i n g Y o u r F a m i l y. Strategies for Families of Deaf and Hard-of-Hearing Children. Family Habits Roles and Rules Parenting Styles Dealing with Acts of Resistance Active Listening Skills Fair Fighting Power Struggles. fine tuning your family.
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Fine Tuning Your Family Strategies for Families of Deaf and Hard-of-Hearing Children
Family Habits • Roles and Rules • Parenting Styles • Dealing with Acts of Resistance • Active Listening Skills • Fair Fighting • Power Struggles fine tuning your family
Strategies for Families of Deaf and Hard-of-Hearing Children fine tuning your family
7 Habits of Highly Successful Families What’s Your Score?
Family Constellations (Alfred Adler) Is It True What They Say About Birth Order? • Oldest children are more responsible • Middle children are shy • Youngest children are reckless
Impenetrable (Rigid) Boundaries Child Parent #1 Parent #2 Family Child
Triangulation Allied Against Parent #1
By: Sharon Wegsheider-Cruse Families Roles • Über-Responsible • Great Student • Jr. Parent • Model Child • Comic-Relief • Peacemaker • Caretaker • Average Student • The Adjuster • Average Student • Often Forgotten • Blends Into The Woodwork • Problem Child • Black Sheep of the Family • Responsible for All Family Problems • Bad Student
Parenting Styles From: (Love and Logic, Jim Fay) Best Friend Helicopter Drill Sergeant Consultant
Are All Behavior Problems Acts of Resistance? No, not always… • Developmental Behaviors • Acts of Resistance
It all comes down to… If the motive is the need for self-determination Act of Resistance MOTIVE
Does it mean that I just go with the flow? ? ----- NO ----- • Redirect the resistance • Continue to set limits • Hold student accountable
Does it mean that I give up my control entirely? ? ----- NO ----- • SHARE control with the child. • Teach age appropriate self-control
Does it teach the children that they can always get what they want? ? ----- NO ----- • Teach how to weigh the costs and benefits of their decisions • Accountable for their decisions
Great! So where do we start?
Going with the ResistanceLaying the Foundation… • Know yourself and your natural instincts • Learn to manage your emotional responses • Learn to argue fairly • Learn to recognize power struggles and how to avoid them
The “Fight or Flight” Response Stressful Incident FIGHT - Face the incident, get involved Or FLIGHT—Avoid the incident
Someone cuts in line after you have been waiting 20 minutes What would you do?
You are discussing a project with a coworker when he/she becomes irate because of a decision you made. What would you do?
Know yourself and your natural instincts Fight or flight responses can affect communication
Communication Styles Aggressive Passive Assertive Passive-Aggressive Where on this continuum do you most often find yourself?
Going with the ResistanceLaying the Foundation… • Know yourself and your natural instincts • Learn to manage your emotional responses • Learn to argue fairly • Learn to recognize power struggles and how to avoid them
4 Main Emotions Glad Sad Mad Scared Happy Elated Hopeful Giddy Confident Angry Vengeful Hurtful Irate Irritated Worried Confused Nervous Terrified Distrustful Depressed Mournful Pessimistic Melancholy Downtrodden
Anger as a Masking Emotion Mad Sad Scared Angry Vengeful Irate Irritated Unreasonable Impatient Easily Offended Depressed Mournful Pessimistic Melancholy Defeated Worried Confused Nervous Terrified Distrustful Glad Happy Elated Hopeful Excited
Practice Rational Detachment!
Going with the ResistanceLaying the Foundation… • Know yourself and your natural instincts • Learn to manage your emotional responses • Learn to argue fairly • Learn to recognize power struggles and how to avoid them
3. Learn to argue fairly Not even the fastest horse can catch a word spoken in anger. ~Chinese Proverb
Results in fewer hurt feelings and less resentment • Focuses on the immediate need • Allows both participants to keep their dignity • Works toward a solution • Respects the feelings and opinions of both parties • Models this behavior for others to follow • Resolves the argument quicker Benefits of Fair Fighting
Rules for Fair Fighting • Argue to resolve, not to win • Stay in the here-and-now • Use “I” statements • Be honest and accurate! • Delineate needs and wants • Use good “active listening” skills • Use good “customer service” skills • Accept every apology offered • Be open to compromise • Make good use of time-outs when needed
Argue to resolve, not to win Rules for Fair Fighting
Stay in the here-and-now Rules for Fair Fighting • Avoid bringing up old, unfinished business. • Avoid jumping ahead to possible negative outcomes.
Use “I” statements, and own your feelings and your needs Rules for Fair Fighting “I feel ________ when you _______ and I imagine _______.” (From: Making Healthy Families by Gayle Peterson, PhD)
4. Be honest and accurate! • Stick to the facts • Don’t exaggerate Rules for Fair Fighting
Rules for Fair Fighting5. Delineate your Needs from your Wants Needs Wants Is it fair? Is it a compromise? Does it meet only one person’s needs? • Is it practical? • Does it solve the problem? • Can you both accept it?
Use good “active listening” skills Rules for Fair Fighting A= Attitude A= Acknowledge C= Clarify E= Emphasize S= Summarize AACES for Active Listening
Use quality “customer service” skills Rules for Fair Fighting The 3 A's of Customer Service: Agree Apologize "And..." "But..." instead of
Accept every apology offered Rules for Fair Fighting Oops, sorry, dude. My bad. Accept every apology the way you would want to be forgiven
Be open to compromise Rules for Fair Fighting When BOTH parties get some or most of what they need out of the mediation. Win-Win
This Time-Out makes more sense! But not this kind of time-out! • Make good use of time-outs when needed Rules for Fair Fighting TIME-OUT Everyone needs a good Time-Out to cool down from time to time.
Fighting Fairly Role Play Situation: Argument about bedtime
Fighting Fairly Role Play Situation: Argument about house chores
