500 likes | 781 Views
Elaine Wilson Parenting Specialist January 2003. HELPFUL HINTS FROM RESEARCH. Co-Parenting Lifestyle Change Businesslike Relationship Long-term Commitment. Parallel Parenting. Letters Email Supervised time sharing Strict court orders. Co-Parenting Types. Perfect Pals
E N D
Elaine Wilson Parenting Specialist January 2003
Co-Parenting Lifestyle ChangeBusinesslike RelationshipLong-term Commitment
Parallel Parenting • Letters • Email • Supervised time sharing • Strict court orders
Co-Parenting Types • Perfect Pals • Cooperative Colleagues • Angry Associates • Fiery Foes • Dissolved Duos
Developmentally Appropriate • Age and Ability • Interests • Family Background and Culture • Emotional, Physical, Mental, and Social Needs
Your child’s development determines appropriate: • Time share arrangements • Explanations of lifestyle • Parenting activities
Stress Management Teach your children. • Be a Role model. • Use services like your public library.
AGENDA • 6:30 pm Registration • 6:35 pm Introduction • 6:45 pm Positive Aspects of Divorce • 7:00 pm Managing Stress/Videos • 7:20 pm Break • 7:30 pm Development and Divorce • 8:00 pm Co-Parenting Plans • 8:30 pm Referrals & Attendance
You will learn: • How to talk about your family lifestyle • Stress management • Wise parenting plans • Co-Parenting styles
Positive Features of Co-Parenting Families • Fastest growing family type • Strong parent-child relationships • Brothers and sisters are close.
Children Learn • home management skills • to be cautious about relationships • self reliance • realistic expectations of adults
Think long term! • Children in co-parenting families recover in two years. • 50% of co-parenting fathers abandon their children in 10 years.
Managing Stress • Maintain routines • Talk about feelings • Delegate or out source • Release tension for health
Grief • Denial • Anger • Bargaining • Depression • Acceptance
Stages of Divorce 1. Disillusionment 2. Erosion 3. Detachment 4. Physical Separation 5. Mourning 6. Second Adolescence 7. Resolution
Types of Divorce • Emotional • Legal • Financial • Co-Parent • Community • Psychological
Explaining divorce to children Goal 1 - Still parents Goal 2 - Mutual decision Goal 3 - Same routines Goal 4 - Listen
Key Concepts Adult relationships change. Parents love children forever. Divorce is an adult decision. We can talk about this.
Childhood Adjustments Changing concepts Blame self and others Guilt and shame Fantasy of reconciliation Accept lifestyle.
Children’s Needs Meaningful daily contact Dependable, predictable routine and schedule Verbal and physical comfort and reassurance
Children’s Needs Safety and security Clear limits Stable parents Few changes
Infant and Toddler Needs Rapid development and little memory (no more than 2 or 3 days without seeing either parent.) To trust parent to return soon. Undivided attention.
Infant and Toddler Needs Simple, brief, repeated explanations. Consistent routines, toys, foods, and environments.
Preschooler Tell 1-2 weeks before a change. Parent models calm acceptance. Introduce necessary changes gradually.
Preschooler Provide much opportunity for play. Avoid unnecessary separation. Assure child of your return.
Preschooler Read aloud age appropriate books on family. Listen
School-age Tell, together, as soon as possible. Provide a strong sense of cooperation. Do projects and activities together.
School-age Stable parent involvement in school, church, sports, and social activities. Reassurance that parents will continue as parents.
School-age Be clear that divorce is permanent. Encourage play and exercise.
Teenage Tell, together, as soon as possible. Allow child time to handle feelings. Avoid power struggles.
Teenage Be available. Be clear that divorce is permanent. Encourage physical exercise.
Teenage Maintain parent role. Maintain adult privacy.
Time Share Arrangements Age Location Length Min. Freq. Needs Infant child care 1-4 hrs 3 x’s per wk routine home familiar park place Toddler child care 1 day 2 x per wk favorite park no overnight objects home routine
Time Share Arrangements Age Location Length Min. Freq. Needs Pre- outside overnight 1 x per wk favorite school child’s 1 day objects home 1 week pattern School- outside weekend 1 x per wk belongings in age child’s to 6 wks each home home parent involved predictable pattern
Time Share Arrangements Age Location Length Min. Freq. Needs Teenager outside few min. 1 contact peers child’s 1 yr or per negotiable home more week activities inside employment dorm
Infants and Toddlers within home, child care, or park 1-4 hours 3 times each week
Toddler • no overnights • regular routine • take favorite objects along
Preschooler • home, child care, park, trip • take favorite objects along
Preschooler • overnight to one week • at least one time each week • predictable pattern
School-age • home, camp, trip, after school • one time each week • overnight to six weeks
School-age • own belongings in each home • predictable pattern • parent involvement in activities
Teenager • outside child’s home or in dorm room or apartment • peer relations, activities, employment, independence, mobility
Teenager • few minutes to one year or longer • at least weekly contact • negotiable routine
Developmentally Appropriate Arrangements • More time and frequency is generally better than less. • Children adjust better when parents are not fighting.
Developmentally Appropriate Arrangements • Greater distance requires greater effort. • Stay in same town.
Developmentally Appropriate Arrangements • Telephone calls, letter, fax, gifts, and email supplement time together. • Child’s needs take precedence over adults needs.