Marriages and Families: Changes, Choices, and Constraints Seventh Edition Nijole V. Benokraitis

1. Marriages and Families:Changes, Choices, and ConstraintsSeventh Edition • Nijole V. Benokraitis • Chapter Sixteen • Remarriages and Stepfamilies

2. Dating after Divorce If people are young and haven’t been married very long, then reentering the dating scene can be fairly easy. As people age they become more concerned about their physical appearance and they are nervous about reentering the dating scene. Often those who have not dated for a very long time may feel self-conscious because they have less self-confidence.

4. Cohabitation after a Divorce Many divorced people, and some who are widowed after age 50 or so, prepare for remarriage by living together. They may be testing the relationship. Half of all remarriages begin with cohabitation. In fact, living together after divorce is more common than before a first marriage. Not all courtship ends in remarriage. Many stepfamilies are formed through remarriage, but others are cohabitating stepfamily households, some lasting longer than others.

5. Forming a Stepfamily What is a stepfamily? In the past, sociologists defined a stepfamilyas a household in which at least one of the spouses had a biological child from a previous marriage. However, the term is being defined more broadly now—a stepfamily is a household in which two adults who are biological or adoptive parents with a child from a previous relationship elect to marry or cohabitate. This definition includes nontraditional families, so it is more broad than the old definition.

6. Forming a Stepfamily How common are remarriage and stepfamilies? Remarriage is so common that it has spawned a huge industry of services, magazines, and books. The U.S. remarriage rate is the highest in the world. Nearly 85% of Americans who divorce remarry. the median time between marriages is short and millions of Americans have been married more than three times!

7. Forming a Stepfamily Cohabitation, divorce, remarriage, and stepfamilies have created a variety of family structures, but remarried couples and stepfamilies have some common characteristics.

8. Characteristicsof Remarried Couples The average age of a first remarriage in the U.S. is 33 for women and 35 for men. Remarriage rates are higher for both sexes age 50 and older, but higher for men. Older women, especially those who seek to remarry, may be attracted to older men because neither partner has children at home to cause conflict. Generally, the older a woman, is the harder it is for her to find a partner for remarriage. The pool of available spouses expands for men as they age, but diminishes for women as they age.

9. Characteristicsof Remarried Couples Overall, whites, especially white women, have the highest remarriage rates. In 2004 19% of white women had been married two or more times, compared with 11% of African Americans, 9% of Latinas, and 6% of Asian women.

10. Characteristicsof Remarried Couples • There are many interconnected reasons why this is the case—first, African American people overall have the lowest marriage rates, which means that remarriage is less likely • African Americans have the highest cohabitation rates. • Latina and Asian Americans, especially recent immigrants, encourage marriage and discourage divorce and cohabitation.

12. Characteristicsof Remarried Couples Social Class In general, the wealthier a divorced man is, the more likely he is to remarry. Men in the marriage market tend to be financially better off than women, so they are able to attract new partners. Men with higher educational attainment are more likely to remarry than are women with a similar education. Women who have a higher socioeconomic level may not be willing to remarry because they have less to gain from it, however, they may have a smaller pool of candidates from which to choose.

13. Characteristicsof Remarried Couples Presence of Children Many adults contemplating a new relationship are already parents, however, the presence of children from a previous marriage does affect parents’ decision to remarry. Since men are less likely to have custody of their children, they are freer to date.

14. Characteristicsof Remarried Couples • Women may be seeking financial stability for her children and a male role model, so she may be more willing to remarry. • The presence of children generally lowers the likelihood of remarriage, but that isn’t always the case.

15. Characteristicsof Remarried Couples • Young children may encourage dating and remarriage to replace an absent parent, and older children who are not living with their parents may want to see their parent find a new partner in their later years.

16. Remarriage as a Process Emotional Remarriage This stage is often slow because partners have to build trust in each other. They may feel inadequate after a divorce and fear another failed relationship. In addition, remarriages are emotionally intricate and confusing concerning the new roles each partner must play in many lives.

17. Remarriage as a Process Psychic Remarriage People’s identity changes from being single to being married again. For men, a shift in marital status does not require an extreme change in personal identity. The identity shift may be more difficult for women because the remarriage represents recovery of a valued identity as a wife. A nontraditional woman, on the other hand, may worry about the loss of her independence.

18. Remarriage as a Process Community Remarriage People often change their community of friends when they remarry. During the stage of remarriage they may sever close personal relationships that they established after a divorce when they relied more on friends. In addition, people may often move to another community.

19. Remarriage as a Process Parental Remarriage Parents have to assume new roles based on their remarriage. Some may have to step up and be parents to their new spouse’s children, while some may find themselves deferring to the biological parent as a decision-maker. When both partners have children from a previous relationship it can make things even more complicated and difficult. Because marital and parental roles must be assumed simultaneously, parents may find themselves in conflict with one another or with the children involved.

20. Remarriage as a Process Economic Remarriage Remarriage establishes a marital household as an economic unit. The main problems in this stage may form from the presence of children from a previous relationship and the biological parent who does not have residential custody but may be paying child support. Noncustodial parents may feel less responsible for their children financially after their ex-spouse remarries.

21. Remarriage as a Process Legal Remarriage The nonbiological parent does not have legal rights over their spouse’s children. Most schools and other institutions typically don’t recognize a stepparent as a legal parent. What about college expenses? Questions of legality become complicated when stepparenting is involved.

22. How First Marriagesand Remarriages Differ Family Composition Remarriages often result in a myriad of new relationships. Children may gain stepbrothers or sisters or half siblings. They may have to share their biological parent’s time and physical space. A child who travels between homes may feel left out of activities at one or both homes. Parents may worry about dividing their time between biological and nonbiological children so that no one feels left out.

23. How First Marriagesand Remarriages Differ Role Expectations In first marriages, couples usually follow commonly accepted norms about enacting roles such as husband, wife, daughter, etc. The absence of norms regarding role expectations for stepfamilies creates perplexing questions. Role expectations are especially fuzzy when it comes to extended family. Past and current in-laws and grandparents may be unsure how to treat their new instant family members.

24. How First Marriagesand Remarriages Differ Changes across the Life Course People who remarry sometimes find that they and their children are at different stages of the family life course. As a result, goals may conflict. On one hand, an older man who marries a younger woman who has young biological children may enjoy being able to watch them grow up because he has more leisure time.

25. How First Marriagesand Remarriages Differ Stress and Resources People who remarry usually seek someone who is more successful, more supportive, or more attentive than the ex-spouse. In most remarriages, partners must also cope with the stress of handling shifting resources.

26. How First Marriagesand Remarriages Differ • There is also a question about the remarried couple’s financial responsibilities toward aging parents. • Remarriage also increases resources. Children have more adults who care about them, may experience less conflict between biological parents, and have new stepgrandparents.

27. Couple Dynamicsin Stepfamilies Myths about Remarriage The Nuclear Family Myth—believers of this fantasy expect family members to love and feel close to one another and children to be well-behaved. Even in long-lasting stepfamilies, tightly knit relationships are usually uncommon. The Compensation Myth—the new mate is expected to be everything the problematic old mate wasn’t.

28. Couple Dynamicsin Stepfamilies - The Instant Love Myth—new stepparents may presume an intimacy with stepchildren that just isn’t there, especially at first. - The Rescue Fantasy—stepparents think they will “shape those kids up” from the original neglectful or lenient noncustodial parent.

30. Remarriage Satisfaction The data on remarriage satisfaction are mixed. People in first marriages report greater satisfaction than do remarried spouses, but the differences are small. For the first few years of remarriage, stress can come from all the new complex relationships and roles that the new couple must play.

31. Remarriage Stability About 60% of remarriages, compared with 45% of first marriages, end in divorce. The average duration of second marriages is about the same, whereas third marriages that end in divorce typically last about five years. People most likely to redivorce may see divorce as a quick solution to an unsatisfying marriage.

32. Types of Stepfamilies When a couple forms a stepfamily, then a new family network emerges. Three basic types of stepfamilies— 1. Mother-stepfather family—all the children are the biological children of the mother and stepchildren of the father. 2. Father-stepmother family—all of the children are the biological children of the father and the stepchildren of the mother. 3. Joint stepfamily—a least one child is the biological child of both parents, at least one child is the biological child of only one parent and a stepchild of the other parent, and there are no other children present.

33. Types of Stepfamilies In a complex stepfamily, both adults have children from previous marriages. In a joint step-adoptive family and a joint biological-step-adoptive family, at least one child is the biological child of one parent and a stepchild of the other parent, and one or both parents have adopted at least one child.

35. Types of Stepfamilies Gay and Lesbian Stepfamilies They are similar to traditional stepfamilies and encounter many of the same problems. They may encounter triple stigmatization, first, because they are gay or lesbian; second, because gay and lesbian families are looked at as deficient compared to nuclear families in our society; and third, because some in the gay and lesbian communities themselves stress the primacy of the couple relationship, not parenting.

36. Some Characteristicsof Stepfamilies The structure of stepfamilies is complex. A stepfamily must cope with unique tasks. Stepfamilies often experience more stress and conflict than nuclear families. Stepfamily integration typically takes years rather than months. Important relationships may be cut off or end abruptly and others may spring up overnight. There are continuous transitions and adjustments rather than stability.

37. Some Characteristicsof Stepfamilies Stepfamilies are less cohesive than nuclear or single-parent households. Stepfamilies need great flexibility in their everyday behavior. Stepfamily members often have unrealistic expectations. There is no shared family history. There may be many loyalty conflicts. Stepfamily roles are often ambiguous.

38. Stereotypes about Stepfamilies The “evil stepmother” stereotype still abounds in our society. Ex-wives may still be angry about the divorce and refer to the stepmother as a “witch” in front of the kids. Stepmothers have at times given up when they are given no rule-making ability concerning their stepchildren. In contrast, the myth of “instant love” maintains not only that remarriage creates an instant family, but that stepmothers and stepfathers will automatically love their stepchildren.

39. Parenting in Stepfamilies About 17% of American children live in a stepfamily. Most stepfamilies face a number of issues when they attempt to merge two households after a remarriage. These include naming, sexual boundaries, legal issues, distributing economic and emotional resources, developing the stepchild-stepparent relationship, establishing closeness and cohesiveness, establishing discipline, and helping children adjust to this new family form.

40. Intergenerational Relationships Ties across generations, especially with grandparents and stepgrandparents can be close and loving or disruptive and intrusive. Grandparents can provide an important source of stability for the kids during a divorce and remarriage. Generally, intergenerational relationships depend on how much effort he remarried partners and steprelatives put into maintaining or forging relationships.

41. Some Effects of Stepfamilieson Children How Children Fare Some studies report that there are few, if any, emotional or behavioral differences between stepchildren and other children. Other studies show that stepchildren are at about a 20% risk for negative outcomes, a higher rate than children living with both biological parents.

42. Some Effects of Stepfamilieson Children The most consistent findings on stepfamilies, however, show that how children fare depends greatly on the relationships among children, their custodial and noncustodial parents, and stepparents. Close relationships with stepfathers, noncustodial fathers, and noncustodial mothers are associated with better outcomes. Children benefit the most when the adults in all of the relationships get along.

43. Successful Stepfamilies Seven characteristics are common to remarried families in which children and adults experience warm interpersonal relationships and satisfaction with their lives. 1. Develop realistic expectations. 2. Let children mourn their losses. 3. The adults forge a strong couple relationship.

44. Successful Stepfamilies 4. The stepparenting role proceeds slowly. 5. When there are young children, the stepparent should take a discipline role slowly. 6. Successful stepfamilies develop their own rituals. 7. Work out satisfactory arrangements between the children’s households.

45. Rewards of Remarriageand Stepparenting Many believe they learned valuable lessons in their first marriage that they bring into their second marriage. Successful remarried couples say they try harder, are more tolerant of minor irritations, and tend to be more considerate of each other’s feelings.