Conflict Resolution

1. Conflict Resolution Finding an “Elegant Solution” from People Skills: How to Assert Yourself, Listen to Others, and Resolve Conflicts Robert Bolton, Ph.D.

2. “Whenever you’re in conflict with someone, there is one factor that can make the difference between damaging your relationship and deepening it. That factor is attitude.”William James

3. What is your attitude about conflict? • Conflict is difficult, uncomfortable—I would like to avoid it as much as possible. • Conflict is difficult, but if it happens I want to be in control so that the outcome works for me. • Conflict is an opportunity—for better relationships at work and home—and for personal growth

4. Three Approaches to Relationships Passive Aggressive Assertive

5. Handling the Emotional Components of Conflict • Step 1—Do a personal inventory • Step 2—Treat the other person with respect • Step 3—Listen until you experience the other side • Step 4—State your views, needs, and feelings

6. Basic Communication Tools • Listening skills • Assertion skills • Collaborative problem-solving skills

7. Listening Skills • Attending skills • Following skills • Reflecting skills

8. “I” Statements • Your feelings about a behavior, • the effect is has on you • what you would prefer the other person to do

9. “The Elegant Solution: Collaborative Problem Solving” • Win/Win way of dealing with conflicting needs • Alternatives to collaborative problem solving • Denial • Avoidance • Capitulation • Domination • Compromise—I’ll meet you part way

10. Step 1:Define the problem in terms of needs, not solutions • Discover the why • Discover the why and you understand the need • Solution-type definitions lead to win/win results.

11. Step 2:Brainstorm possible solutions • Try for quantity, not quality • Don’t evaluate • Don’t clarify or seek clarification • Go for zany ideas • Expand on each other’s ideas • List every idea • Avoid attaching people’s names to the ideas • Keep an open mind

12. Step 3:Select the solution that will best meet both parties needs • Ask the other what proposed alternatives he or she would favor in the solution of the problem • State which alternatives look best to you • See which choices coincide • Jointly decide on one or more of the alternatives • Be sure the other person is satisfied with the solution

13. Step 4:Plan who will do what, where and by when • Decide who will carry out each part of the solution • May need to decide the “how” as well the “what” • Set a time to meet again

14. Step 5:Implement the Plan • This is the point of action • People separate and carry out their agreed-upon actions • If one does not live up to the agreed-upon actions, use assertion message followed by reflective listening

15. Step 6:Evaluate the problem-solving process and how well the solution turned out • How the parties feel about the process they just went through • What each liked most/least about process • What each can do better next time

16. Case Study #1 The Case of the Home Buyers’ Blues • You and your significant other are stuck in a disagreement over whether or not to buy a house at this time. You would like to wait until you have saved 20% of the sale price for the down payment to be able to obtain a fixed rate mortgage and reduce the monthly payments. Your significant other would like to buy now with a variable rate mortgage, believing that interest rates will be on the rise soon and that your salaries will keep up with whatever amount the monthly payments are. Neither side seems willing to budge.

17. Case Study #2— The Case of the Colleagues’ Little Black Books • Your department needs to create an “on-call” schedule for emergency response. Some members of your group would like to create a schedule where each person rotates days of the week; others would like to be on-call for a week at a time. The discussion has become lively, and there doesn’t seem to be a way to come to consensus.

18. Case Study #3— The Case of the Administrator’s Angst • Two faculty members from your division want to teach the same section of a course in their department. The chair has asked them to work out the conflict, but they have been unable to resolve the problem and the conflict has created tension within the department. Their chair has asked you to help the faculty members collaborate on a solution because they all respect your ability to problem solve. Each individual has legitimate reasons for wanting to teach that particular section, and each is qualified to teach the course.

19. Case Study #4— The Sandwiched Woman Mystery • You have an elderly mother in a city about 5 hours away. Her health has been declining in the last several years and, while she is still able to live independently, she needs a lot of support in terms of transportation, shopping, etc. You have a sibling that lives in the same town as your mother and is starting to become resentful and angry toward you because she provides this support for your mother. Your brother lives in the same town and is willing to help out but seems to rely on your sister to organize and arrange whatever your mother needs. You all have jobs and families of your own. You are feeling guilty, angry and helpless about the situation.

20. What barriers do you bring to the table?

21. Barriers to Communication • Judging • Criticizing • Name-calling • Diagnosing • Praising Evaluativly

22. Barriers to Communication • Sending Solutions • Ordering • Threatening • Moralizing • Excessive/Inappropriate Questioning • Advising

23. Barriers to Communication • Avoiding the Other’s Concerns • Diverting • Logical Argument • Reassuring

24. Where do you go from here? • What is one thing I can do to become a better collaborative problem-solver? • How can I go about doing that? • When will I check my progress? • How will I know if I have made progress?