Intimacy in Relationships Rich Wedemeyer, ODAPCA, 2011

1. Intimacy in Relationships Rich Wedemeyer, ODAPCA, 2011

2. Types of Relationships Friends Teacher/Student Companions Acquaintances Parent-child Boss-worker Coworkers Organization-Member Husband-Wife / Partner-Partner Mentor/Mentee Siblings

3. Intimacy: Closeness developed with mutual self-disclosure over time, sharing unique experiences, exercising interdependency, and expressing mutual affection

4. Closeness Distance

5. Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs

6. Intimacy Requires an “US” us me you

7. When “I” am More Important than “You” me you

8. When “I” am more important than “You” • My needs get met; yours do not • My potential is more likely to be reached; yours less so • I feel powerful; you feel powerless • I will not understand when you eventually become exhausted, resentful, and want to leave

9. In Ultimate Romantic Relationships: the “US” is More Important than Either “You” or “Me” us me you

10. Balance

11. Healthy relationships maintain a dynamic balance between the needs of the individuals in the relationship and the needs of the “US”

12. Levels of Relationships

13. Levels of Relationships Non-relationship: Casual communication Acquaintance: Casual Communication Companionship: Casual Communication, beginnings of self-disclosure Friendship: Casual, self-disclosure, trust, commitment Romance: Casual, self-disclosure, trust, commitment, sex

14. Sex Commitment Trust Self-Disclosure Casual Communication

15. Romance Friend Companion Acq. No Rel. Self- Disclosure Casual talk Trust Commit- ment Sex

16. Sex Sex Commitment Trust Self-Disclosure Casual Communication

17. Intimacy

18. Cornerstones of Relationships

19. Mutual trust: building a sense of security Tenderness: gentle expressions of caring Acceptance: demonstrated approval Open communication: discuss anything Caring: concern for your partner’s well-being Managing boundaries: limits you place on behaviors Apologies: remedy for mistakes that partners inevitably make Forgiveness: letting go of anger, giving permission to have weaknesses

20. "Forgiveness means giving up all hope for a better past." Lily Tomlin

21. Trust

22. Trust: Where it Comes From Roughly equal self-disclosure that deepens over time Consistency between words and actions Representing fact, disclosing relevant inner thoughts and feelings, not misleading Keeping information private

23. The test: can you do or say what you are saying or doing in front of your partner?

24. Commitment

25. Commitment • An unwillingness to consider any other partner • Devotion to working through difficulties • Pledging to not bail when things get tough • Deciding to work for the relationship, not just for yourself

26. Universal Fears

27. Universal Fears Abandonment and Separation: failure of the relationship; being the one get that gets left; being alone Unworthiness : I am no good; no one who really knew me could love me; I am unacceptable Surrender and Trust: being engulfed; losing oneself

28. Romance

29. Why Do We Fall in Love? To fulfill primitive drives to mate and procreate To escape loneliness To be protected To reduce tension To increase our control To be financially more secure To reliably obtain sex

30. What Love Might Provide Relationally Physical affection Sexual intimacy Respect Sharing activities, interests, and goals Spiritual consistency Power sharing Intimacy, trust, and commitment

31. What Sex Really Is Messy Hysterical Potentially Fun and Playful Bizarre Not Time-Consuming A Time of Vulnerability A Time of Exploration

32. What is Love to you? exercise

33. Love is… Not a single feeling More demonstrable action than feeling Sometimes having to say your sorry

34. “When your partner’s well-being, growth and development are as important to you as your own, you love them.”

35. Kid’s Views of Love

36. “Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK." Danny, 7 "When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you." Karen, 7

37. "Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss." Emily, 8 "Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen." Bobby, 7

38. "Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford." Chris, 7"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day." Mary Ann, 4"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones.“ Lauren, 4

39. Before Six Months

40. The Course of Passion Infatuation: the hormone storm Fuels desire for sexual interaction and unification Similar to an addiction: causes a powerful craving Search for similarities/Differences set aside Often mistaken for love Fades in ~ 6 months or less Differences noted; you begin to “see” them Love has a chance to develop Passion comes alive periodically

41. Creating Intimacy

42. Do These Show interest Display affection Give compliments Demonstrate empathy

43. Remind Yourself I fell in love with her/him because… I remember fondly… My partner is so wonderful about… My partner’s best qualities are… I like it when my partner…

44. Asking for Help

45. “This is important to me. Would you be willing to…?” “I would like us to… Would you do that with me? “How does that sound?” “Let’s figure out how to…” “I’m feeling overworked. Would you be willing to reorganize our tasks for now?”

46. Conflict

47. Conflict is normal • A lack of conflict? often indicates a lack of communication/closeness • Habitual conflict? indicates the same • Habitual anger? reflects helplessness and anxiety • Destructive conflict: the need to be right, a lack of empathy, poor communications skills, and fears of intimacy

48. Relationship Killers

49. Normal Danger Partner gets angry/dismissive when you suggests closeness Fantasize a lot/can’t be excited by your partner unless you fantasize Stay angry and can’t forgive Constantly worry/compare partner to others Partner lied about something big Taking steps to leave /threatening to leave Partner asks for space You fantasize about others Partner makes you mad You doubt your love Your partner lied You want to run away

50. Four Horsemen (Gottman)