Healthy Relationships

1. Healthy Relationships Self-Esteem Relationships Dating & intimate relationships High School Adapted From: Beyond the Basics: A Sourcebook on Sexuality and Reproductive Education. Canadian Federation for Sexual Health, 2005.

2. Self-Esteem

3. Self-Esteem: Self-esteem is the value we place on ourselves. It is the knowledge that we are lovable, we are capable, and we are unique. Good self-esteem means: • having a healthy view of yourself, • having a sense of self-worth, • having a positive outlook, • feeling satisfied with yourself most of the time, • setting realistic goals.

4. Points about Self-Esteem: Self-esteem is crucial to our personal wellness. Self-esteem is based on life experiences and personal relationships. Self-esteem changes over time depending on life circumstances. Can anyone think of examples to prove these points?

5. Healthy Self-Esteem Includes: The ability to develop healthy relationships Having healthy thoughts and feelings about your body Awareness/acceptance of personal strengths and weaknesses The acceptance of one’s sexuality The ability to accept responsibility for one’s behaviour Feelings of competence, independence, self-control and respect for others The ability to set limits for oneself and to create boundaries

6. How is Self-Esteem Developed? By our environment? How others see us? Personal awareness of strengths? Support from significant others (family, friends)? Body image? Mental health? Physical abilities? Stereotypes? Culture? Gender?

7. How Does Self-Esteem Contribute to Healthy Relationships? Self-esteem and relationships are really two sides of the same coin. . . • Having healthy self-esteem allows you to develop healthy relationships And • Having healthy relationships helps to develop healthy self-esteem.

8. Relationships

9. Relationships Defined: A relationship is simply a connection between two or more people. A relationship does not have to be a romantic relationship. Relationships are based on some commonly accepted values (e.g., respect, honesty, fairness, consideration, commitment). A healthy relationship is a shared responsibility and requires effective communication. A relationship can be affected by controllable and uncontrollable factors.

10. Types of Relationships: There are many different types of relationships that serve many different purposes. Can you name some different types of relationships?

11. Examples of Relationships: What do you think these people get out of their relationships? Friendship Acquaintance Parent-Child Teammate Mentor Sibling Boyfriend/Girlfriend Neighbor Teacher-Student Boss-Worker Co-worker Classmate

12. Characteristics of a Healthy Relationship: Closeness You are caring and loyal You trust each other You share your feelings You support each other Shared Goals & Beliefs You share beliefs & values You recognize & respect each other’s differences Shared Experiences Share interests & friends Talk about your experiences; accept & respect each other’s differences Communication You are honest with each other You listen to each other Respect You use respectful language and actions with one another You understand each other’s wishes and feelings You can compromise Humour You enjoy being with each other and can laugh together Caring You show each other you care

13. Unhealthy Characteristics in a Relationship: No trust No respect Jealousy Abuse: emotional/physical Low self-esteem Power issues Fear Lies Unfair fights Lack of understanding Little or bad communication Manipulation Based only on physical attraction Partner tries to change you

14. Stress and Pressure in Relationships: Unhealthy characteristics in a relationship will lead to stress and possible pressures in a relationship. Some of these characteristics may only apply in a dating relationship, but many can apply in all sorts of relationships (best friends, acquaintances, siblings). Remember, if you find yourself feeling pressured or controlled in a relationship, talk to someone you trust about the situation. Always ask for help when you need it.

15. Making Positive Decisions: If you are faced with stress or pressure in a relationship, it is important to make positive decisions: Think of all your choices Think of the most likely results of those choices Think of the risks involved with each choice After you have made a decision, learn from it. Did it work? Why or why not?

16. Case Study: Tina is out with her friend Cheryl, Cheryl’s boyfriend Tony, and another friend named Chris. After a while, Cheryl and Tony start to kiss. Chris then starts kissing Tina. This feels pretty good to Tina. But then Chris tries to get Tina to go into the bedroom. Tina says “NO”, but her friend Cheryl tells Tina not to be so lame. What should Tina do?

17. Communication Skills: Communication is an important part of all relationships. We all communicate verbally and non-verbally. Listening is also an important part of communicating. It is important that we all learn to communicate directly with one another.

18. Types of Communication: Passive: giving in and saying yes when you don’t want to; keeping your concerns to yourself Aggressive: using threats or force; dominating others; putting yourself first at the expense of others Passive-Aggressive: giving in or keeping your concerns to yourself but will later get back at the person in a sneaky way Assertive: standing up for your rights without denying the rights of others; asking for what you want in a straightforward manner

19. How to be Assertive: In order to communicate in an assertive manner, it is important to make eye contact and to speak in a clear, firm voice. Try using “I” messages. I feel _______ when ______ and I want ______. Try using an “I” message for these situations: A friend keeps asking to copy your homework and you don’t want to give it to him/her. Your partner tells you that he/she wants to have sex, but you just don’t want to.

20. Dating & Intimate Relationships

21. Dating Situations or Qualities of a Relationship Class Activity Adapted from: White Ribbon Campaign in a Box: Promoting Healthy, Equal Relationships. Toronto: White Ribbon Campaign, 2007.

22. When You Decide to Date: • A healthy relationship makes you feel good about yourself and your partner. • You have fun together and you and your partner can be yourselves. • All relationships are different, but healthy relationships share at least five things in common - the S.H.A.R.E. qualities. S = safety H= honesty A= acceptance R= respect E= enjoyment Source: Healthy Relationships. SexualityandU.ca, 2010.

23. Bad Reasons for a Relationship: Because many of your friends have girlfriends or boyfriends Because you are lonely Because you want to seem more mature Because you want to prove something Because your friends are pressuring you into dating someone Because someone is pressuring you about having sex

24. Creating Boundaries in Relationships: Boundaries: These are like invisible lines that you set around yourself to separate “you” from others (your romantic partner included). They also set limits to protect ourselves physically and emotionally. They let us and others know what we are comfortable with and what we are uncomfortable doing.

25. Pressures to be Sexually Active: Pressure from partner Social pressure (perception that “everyone’s doing it”) Media images and advertisements Portrayal of teenagers on television and in movies Poor decision-making abilities due to alcohol and/or drug use may lead to added pressure

26. Relationships and Sexual Activity: There is no simple answer or checklist to tell you that you are ready to have sex. You need to look inside yourself to know if you are ready to have sex. You also need to be comfortable talking to your partner about sex, risks and how to have safer sex. If you’re not comfortable talking about sex and/or preparing to have safer sex, you’re not ready for it.

27. Always Ask Yourself: Will I feel good about myself if I have sex now? Does my partner want to have sex now? Am I being pressured to make a decision? If the relationship breaks up, will I be glad that I had sex with this person? If we have sex, will I use effective birth control and/or STI protection every time? Am I afraid of anything? Am I prepared to deal with the consequences of not practicing safer sex?

28. If You Decide to be Sexually Active: What you need to plan for: STI prevention Contraception and pregnancy prevention Skills to develop: Ability to communicate with your partner Ability to negotiate with your partner The decision whether or not to become sexually active or to cease being sexually active (if you said “yes” once does not mean you have to say “yes” again) is one that each individual needs to consider.

29. Reasons for Not Engaging in Sexual Activity: It is normal and okay to wait as long as you want before having sex. The decision is yours to make, and it is going to be yours to live with. Make sure it is the right decision. Sex is a personal issue. It’s something that you should discuss with your partner, yourself and maybe your doctor. It’s your choice, and that’s all that matters. Don’t worry about what everyone else is doing; independence is a sign of maturity…having sex is not.

30. Other Reasons to Wait: Religious beliefs Concerns about reputation Possibility of pregnancy Possibility of sexually transmitted infections Personal belief in abstinence Waiting for the right partner Lack of trust in your partner or the future of the relationship Not feeling ready

31. A Note on Age of Consent in Canada: • In Canada, individuals who are younger than 16 cannot legally consent to any form of sexual activity. • There are 2 exceptions to this law: • A 12 or 13 year old can consent to sexual activity with another young person who is less than two years older. (Close in age exception) • A 14 or 15 year old can consent to sexual activity with a partner as long as the partner is less than five years older. If the partner is 5 years or older than the 14 or 15 year old, any sexual activity will be considered a criminal offence. (Peer group exception) • Any sexual activity that occurs between an individual under 18 and a person who is in a position of authority over the youth (e.g., teacher, babysitter) is a criminal offence. Source: Department of Justice Canada, 2010.

32. Duty to Report Child Abuse: If an individual who is under 16 tells a professional that he/she has engaged in sexual activity and the age of his/her partner does not meet either the close in age exception or the peer group exception, the professional has a duty to report the information to the Local Child Protection Agency. Professionals include: health care professionals, teachers and principles, social workers, religious leaders, child care workers, peace officers, youth workers, and anyone else who works closely with children and youth. If you need help reporting an incident of sexual abuse or exploitation, tell someone you trust. Source: Ministry of Children and Youth Services, 2010..

33. Risks of Dating Older Partners: Sometimes people date younger partners because they feel they will be able to manipulate them You may grow apart from friends and stop doing things that are normal for your age (e.g. school dances) You may start or increase drinking alcohol because your partner is 19 or older You may find it harder to say no to sex because your older partner is used to having sex with dates You may be at an increased risk for STIs because your older partner has had other sexual partners Source: Teen Relationship Workbook. Kerry Moles, 2001.