PENT Forum 2005

1. P E N T PENT Forum 2005 Overcoming Obstacles in Meetings and Consult

2. Overcoming Obstacles in Meetings and Consultations First, Your Own, Then Others’ Adam Stein Sonoma County SELPA

3. Foundation, Formulation, Philosophy • Here’s mine: you get more of what you pay attention to • You see what you believe • You hear what you expect • You are driven by your view of the world, its people, and yourself • The better you know yourself, the better you will understand the world and other people.

4. What’s wrong with being right? • Sometimes being right can hinder an agreement from being reached, or hamper relationship building. • Ask yourself: will being right resolve this issue? Will it make me feel better over time? • Here are some thoughts on being right.

5. On Being Right… • Human beings are perhaps never more frightening than when they are convinced beyond doubt that they are right. • Laurens Van der Post, The Lost World of the Kalahari (1958) • A child becomes an adult when he realizes that he has a right not only to be right but also to be wrong. • Thomas Szasz, The Second Sin (1973) "Chi • One of the hardest things in this world is to admit you are wrong. And nothing is more helpful in resolving a situation than its frank admission. • Benjamin Disreali

6. The Present of Our Presence • The most precious gift we can offer others is our presence. When mindfulness embraces those we love, they will bloom like flowers. -Thich Nhat Hanh

7. Obstacles to Success • 1. Fear • Your own: fear of saying the wrong thing or of not being accepted as credible. • Your own: fear of missing something. • Your own: fear of our suggestions not working

8. More Obstacles • 1. Fear • Others’: fear or distrust of being let down, may be based on history with you or what you represent • Others’: Fear of getting too much work • Others’: Fear of failing, or how to do something requested

9. More Obstacles • “Yes” people • May agree to do almost anything but don’t follow through or even implement. • Watch for: • don’t write things down. • Little reflection • Seldom or never say no. • History of this

10. More Obstacles • “No” people, aka “Yes, but…” • May refuse even to make eye contact. • Sounds like: “I’ve tried that before and it doesn’t work” • “I couldn’t possibly do that; I have 3 other kids!” • “Maybe we should be talking about a different placement.”

11. “No” People • Watch for: arms crossed, clock watching, not writing anything down, cold greeting

12. More Obstacles • Maintaining Effort • Looks like: People start and then stop interventions/plans • Can be due to illness and missing work • Can be due to student’s behavioral spike • Can be due to disagreement among staff • Can be due to lack of data collection • Can be due to passive aggressiveness • Can be due to poor understanding of plan

13. What do you do? • For all of these challenges, you must do your homework well. • Who are the people you’ll be consulting with? • Their interests • Their histories • Their biases • What are your intended outcomes, and theirs? • You must know this right at the start!

14. What do you do? • Seek to satisfy both yourself and your consultees! • Seek the three satisfactions! Ask yourself this question: “If I were _____’s parent, I would see/think/feel/want…” “If I were ______’s teacher, I would see/think/feel/want…”

15. The Three Satisfactions • Procedural: How we are going to talk about what we talk about. Setting up any meeting! It matters! • Setting the tone: early contact, positive contact • Defining agenda items and intended outcomes • Gathering information • Preplanning • No surprises • Respectful tone

16. The Three Satisfactions • Substantive: The quality of the solution or outcome of the meeting • Building consensus (true consensus!) • Defining solutions and proposals: are they SMART? (Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic, Timely). • Mutually acceptable agreements

17. The Three Satisfactions • Relational: When the parties feel better • Breaking bread, or even water! • Active listening • Defining interests • Hearing the story • When parties get what they can live with, not necessarily everything they wanted.

18. Presumed Consensus: Danger! • Agreements fall apart • Resentment builds • Time wasted • Conflict can escalate • Loss of credibility as a mediator/negotiator

19. Interests, Issues and Proposals • Issues: what we bring to the table • Interests: The needs that underlie what we pursue, and why: these must be determined for a better result • Proposals: The solutions offered. They sometimes undermine interests

20. Interests a la Abraham Maslow • Basic physiological needs • Need for safety and security • Need to belong and be loved • Need for respect and to be counted • Need to know and understand • Need for an aesthetic quality in our life • Need for self-actualization

21. Maslowe’s Hierarchy of Needs

22. IEP Meeting or consultation: Building an Agenda • For IEP, use an IEP Meeting Agenda form • Stick to the agenda as the road map for the process and hold others to it.

23. IEP Meeting: designing ground rules Here are the essentials: • Treat each other with respect both in verbal and physical language. • Let people speak without interruption. • Keep what’s shared confidential • Be brief with reports • Turn off cell phones and pagers • Keep an open mind!

24. IEP Meeting: checklists • Review IEP Meeting Checklist • Review IEP Meeting Follow-up list