Authentic Sexuality after Extreme Sexual Abuse: Part II: Tools You Can Use

1. Authentic Sexuality after Extreme Sexual Abuse: Part II: Tools You Can Use By Staci Sprout, LICSW, CSAT www.sexualrecoveryservices.com

2. Intentions for Webinar • Further support survivors in finding authentic sexuality with practical tools I know can work • Show gratitude to all those who have helped and taught me the things I’d like to pass along today, including the Survivorship community • Help me heal and connect with others

3. Some info about me • Asked to offer this second webinar after there was such a great response to the previous one this winter! • 40 year old survivor of extreme trauma • Member of a 12-step sexual recovery program for 10 years • Sober from sexually harmful behavior since April 2004 • On a dedicated personal journey of healing and growth formally started in 1990 (age 20)

4. Me in my office, Spring 2010. Got questions?

5. Take Home Message • You have a tool you’ve begun to use to define your authentic sexuality, which is built on a foundation of healthy boundaries and inspirational visions • You have seven things to do every day to strengthen this foundation of health and self intimacy

6. Self-Care for Webinar If you start to get upset or triggered, ground yourself. Suggestions: • Stretch, get something to eat or drink • Take a bathroom break • Give yourself permission to leave the Webinar • (You can dial back in back later or listen to the recording on the website) • Using the private chat, ask Bonnie or Jeannie for support • Ignore the chat area • Listen on the telephone only and do not look at your computer

8. Tool #1: The Four Pillars of Authentic sexuality

10. Defining your “Inner Circle”, aka your “NO!” pillar Behavior that leads to hopelessness, desperation and fear that comes before, during, and/or after doing it This is that “let down” feeling of failure Illegal, high risk behaviors go here Subjective Unit of Distress Score (SUDS) -6, -7, -8, -9, -10

11. Inner Circle Boundary ideas if you “act in” • No permitting thoughts of self-hatred, sexual self-hatred without intervening (shame cycles) • No passive avoidance of all things sexual, including safe conversations, exploration of sensuality • No permitting obsessive thinking, control fantasies about sex without intervening • No starting fights with partner or lying to avoid sex • No self mutilation

12. Shame Shake-Up ! ! ! Let’s take a break, move around, dance, and shake.

13. Defining your “Middle Circle” aka your “Warning” pillar Behavior that leads to concern, discomfort This is that “let down” feeling, but not as severe These behaviors tend to be very entrenched and chronic Subjective Unit of Distress Score (SUDS) -5, -4, -3, -2, -1

15. Middle Circle Boundary ideas if you “act in” • No active sabotage of my physical appearance to wall off sexual attention (weight gain, neglecting grooming, cutting hair to severe style, shapeless dress) • Deprivation/Neglecting my need for food, water, rest, boundaries, love, prayer/meditation, medical care, fun and emotional support, money, creativity, sexuality • No perfectionism, control, telling others what to do or what’s right for them • No chronic avoidance of fun, play; not cultivating/nurturing intimate friendships • No avoidance of situations that would expose me to healthy touch, possible romantic/sexual relationships

16. Shame Shake-Up ! ! ! Let’s take a break, move around, dance, and shake.

17. SOLUTIONS! ! !

18. Tool #2: 7 Daily Self-Care Tasks to boost self and sexual self-esteem

19. Checklist for “Mind Health” • Regularly relating to others in a trusting, loving, safe way • Nourishing sleep • Nourishing nutrition • Aerobic exercise (to get cardiovascular detoxing happening) • Novelty/fun • Close paying attention/focus

20. Outer Circle, AKA Personal Care “GO!” Pillar • This is a list of things you do to take care of yourself • When you do these, you feel happy, joy, relieved, and/or loved—though they may be VERY hard to make yourself do! • These are healthy rituals that loving parents would put in place for their children

22. Now let’s talk about making love with yourself, aka masturbation…

23. Possible structure to support healthy self-loving/masturbation • Intention is aligned with your values, not to avoid feelings/escape/reenact trauma • Focus concentration on sensations, past positive sexual experiences, sexual imagery • No fantasy about people in my life/without permission

24. Possible structure to support healthy self-loving/masturbation • Ensure privacy • Ensure enough time • Feeling of love, nurture toward self—if negativity persists, STOP! • Mindful of frequency—checking in re: above • Where else in your life are you experiencing passion?

25. Visions for Inspiration! • FIRST THINGS FIRST: What are your OVERALL goals for yourself? These become your foundation for passion, of which sex is only a part. • Things you wish for and desire but haven’t been able to achieve yet? • Choose at least one that relates specifically to your authentic sexuality.

27. My vision To continue work with survivors of extreme abuse and our allies to heal our sexual wounding and live fully authentic, abundantly sensual . Great resources at www.healthysex.com Sex problems/concerns? www.sexhelp.com To support the transformation of global consciousness with the power of love-based, authentic sexuality.

28. fin