Language Review (1)

Language Review (1) 2005 Fall

Outline • [usage] • it and that—overuse • Wordiness and repetition • [Sentence Structure—which, parallelism, two verbs, participial phrase, conjunction.] • [THESIS STATEMENT] and [transition] • [wordiness][preposition][Sentence Structure][quotation]

[usage] • Today; on that day; • [transitive verb] & [intransitive verb] mention/discuss about • More – than • So – that • e.g. There were so many Christian teachers and preachers in the school, who tried very hard in preaching the word of god to the students. • Correction:  In our school, there were many Christian teachers and preachers, who tried very hard to preach the words of god to the students.

4. it and that—overuse or unclear reference. • Danielle: Whenever I see the color yellow, what comes into my mind is always nothing else but the fruit banana. It is not because of the preference to (prep) this sweet fruit, but because it reminds me of one of the sweetest memories and I view it as a milestone of my changing from the past to the present.

4. it and that—overuse or unclear reference. • Danielle: Correction: Seeing the color yellow, the image of banana comes right into my mind. It is not the taste of it, but the sweet memory hides in it that attracts me so. The memory of banana is a milestone of self-change, which marks a great transition in my life. (vague)

4. it and that—overuse or unclear reference.--Correction • Whenever I see the color yellow, what comes to my mind is always banana. I thought of the fruitnot because of my preference for it, but because of its central position inmy memories: it marked a turning point when I became more mature.

[misplaced modifier] • gives a professional, calm impression; • male-centered idea • We were able to use the class time of almost every subjects but also some major ones for practicing. • Correction:  We were able to use for practicing the class time of almost every subjects but also some major ones.

[wordiness]; [repetition] • Peter: • The CF on hotpot sells the food for hotpot. It conveys[word choice] the image of the deliciousness of the hotpot and even uses the feeling of family togetherness and warmth between people to sell the food, seducing people to buy the product, have the hotpot so that they can enjoy the warmth like people in the CF do, too.

[wordiness]; [repetition] • Peter: • 1. Correction: The CF on hotpot sells the food for hotpot. It creates the image of the hotpot being delicious, and the warmthin which the unity of family gives, as a strategy to seduce costumers to buy the product.

[wordiness]; [repetition] • Correction 2: • The Kuei-Kuan Hotpot Food commercial film presents images of delicious hotpot foods, warmth and family togetherness to sell the food, thus seducing its target customers to buy the product and have hotpot as the characters in the CF do.

[Sentence Structure--which] • Helen: • Moreover, today’s show was the story adopted from the Red Chamber which is my favorite literary novel so I must go! • Correction 1: Moreover, the show today was the story adapted from the Red Chamber, which is my favorite literary novel so I must go. • Correction 2: Moreover, the show shown on that day was adapted from the Dream of Red Chamber, which is my favorite, so I must go!

[Sentence Structure--parallelism] • Judy: • Lori carried all her birthday presents and with smile on her face, thought I could tell there is a little tiredness in it. • Correction 2: •  ? •  Lori carried all her birthday presents in her arms and a smile, though mixed with tiredness, on her face. •  (with a different emphasis) For all her tiredness, Lori looked all her birthday presents in her arms and smiled at us.

[Sentence Structure--parallelism] • 2. We are young, full of energy and having hopes. • Correction: We are young, full of energy and hope.

[Sentence Structure--parallelism] and; not only . . .but also (2) • Veronica: • In my opinion, the former ad about the engagement cookie was much more male-centered than the other film due to not only its dressing and setting, but also particularly the way it presented and the creativity of the punch-line.

[Sentence Structure--parallelism] and; not only . . .but also (2) --Correction •  In my opinion, the former ad about the engagement cookie is much more male-centered than the latter one about cars due to not only their different supportive details such as dressing styles and settings, but also, more importantly, their stories and slogans.

[Sentence Structure--parallelism] and; not only . . .but also (2) --Correction •  In my opinion, the former ad about the engagement cookie is much more male-centered than the latter one about cars due to not only their different stories and slogans, but also the supportive details such as dressing styles and settings. (different order)

[Sentence Structure--parallelism] and; not only . . .but also (2) --Correction  In my opinion, the former ad (about [brand-name] engagement cookie) is much more male-centered than the latter one (about [brand-name] car) due to such various factors as the characters’ dresses, the stories and their settings, as well as their slogans. (listing)

(6) [dangling modifier] • 1. Thinking of this, our eyes were full of tears. • Correction: Thinking of this, we have our eyes filled with tears.

[Sentence Structure: participial & subject] (7) [Sentence Structure: participial] • If observe the indoor scenes carefully, hotpot food is the main focus. • Correction:Observed closely, the indoor scenes have the hotpot food as their main focus.

[Sentence Structure: participial & subject] (8) Wayne [Sentence Structure—Subject?] • By observing the man runs in the rain, the woman in the advertisement, are anticipating for something at that moment. • Correction:Both the man runs in the rain and the woman in the advertisement are anticipating for something at that moment by observing. • Correction 2: Both the man’s running in the rain and the woman in the advertisement seem to suggest that something is going to happen at that moment.

(9) [Sentence Structure: two verbs] • Only the scenes of a woman enjoys the hot spring is quite different from other outdoor scenes. • Correction: Only the scene of a woman enjoying the hot spring is quite different from the other outdoor scenes.

[Sentence Structure--conjunction] • (10) Clarissa • There was no denying that the first film gave us the image of a doll whom was sweetly loved and looked after by a responsible and authoritative man where we could see the woman in the first film wore a pure white dress— purity, cleverness, and obedience.

[Sentence Structure--conjunction] • (10) Clarissa • Correction (1):There was no denying that the first film gave us the image of a doll sweetly loved and looked after by a responsible and authoritative man; furthermore, we could see the woman in the first film wore a pure white dress--purity, cleverness, and obedience.

[Sentence Structure--conjunction] • (10) Clarissa • Correction (2):The first film gives us the image of a doll--in a pure white dress suggestive of purity and femininity--who is sweetly loved and looked after by a responsible and authoritative man.

[Sentence Structure: would rather ?] • (11) Maggie: • What is more, about the setting [transition], the first film would rather let the audience consider [word choice] in a more male-centered waythat the man gave his commitment to his beloved woman. [misplaced modifier: the audience more male-centered?]

[Sentence Structure: would rather ?] • (11) Maggie: • Correction: What is more about the setting is the first film would rather make the audience think in a more male-centered way than the man gave his commitment to his beloved woman.(?)

[Sentence Structure: would rather ?] • (11) Maggie: • Correction (2): In terms of setting, moreover, the first film lets the audience feel that the man, who does all the narration about his doll in white dress, is one of commitment.

[Sentence Structure: would rather ?] • (11) • Correction (3):  [transition] Besides the difference in their images of the female protagonists (those of a doll and a career woman), the two films present their men differently. (*The settings should be analyzed together with the women’s images.)

[sweeping generalization] It – sentence; • (12) Angela (comp) • It is not healthy for people who have higher fat. This will make their blood hard to go through their blood vessels. • Correction (1): • It is not healthy for people who have more fat and will make their blood go through the blood vessels hard.

[sweeping generalization] It – sentence; • (12) • Correction (2): • It is not healthy for people to have too much fat in their bodies, since, among other disadvantages, fat will get turned into cholesterol to accumulate in and even block their arteries.

(13) non-standard English (or Chinese-English) • Evelyne • The idea of this CF is easy to understand. (which is? Didn’t you talk about it in the previous sentence?) It actually can be divided into tow parts, structure and the background music. First of all, let’s view it from its structure. • Correction (1): • The CF conveys an idea which is easy to understand. It can be divided into two parts, including the structure and the background music. First of all, we can view it from the sturcture

(13) non-standard English (or Chinese-English) • Correction (2) • Here I will examine how this main idea of the CF gets presented both through its structural and musical arrangements. First of all, let’s examine the film’s structure.

(14) [transition & style]: use verb • It [the car] is considered as the perpetual companion for human beings. Just as the punch line is the reinforcement of ideas in the commercial(use verb), the main idea is also the correspondence of the punch line itself, which gets to be revealed in the storyline.

(14) [transition & style]: use verb • Correction 1:  It is considered as the a perpetual companion for human beings. Just as the main idea gets reinforced by the slogan of the commercial at the end, it is revealed (embodied) in the storyline of the film.. • Correction 2: [. . . ] While the slogan presents the main idea of the commercial at the end, the whole film embodies it with images of the brothers’ relationships from childhood to adulthood.

(15)b[THESIS STATEMENT] and [transition] • Leslie: • The concept in this commercial, that women should be treated equally and trusted, is a good example of bashing[word choice] the male-centered idea. We can dissect [word choice]this commercial from two aspects: that is, the theme, and the elements that support the central idea (supportive details). • In the first place, the commercial sharply portraits the unequal trust between male and female by using three contrasts, making fun of the snobbish [word choice] husband and emphasizing the wife’s ability. There’re three contrasts here, containing the switching of roles, the idea of housekeeping vs. driving, and the different objects they trust.

(15)b[THESIS STATEMENT] and [transition] • Leslie: • Correction (1) Throughout this commercial, the idea that women should receive equal treatment and trust as men is strongly delivered, and, through the analysis of this CF’s theme and elements, it further attacks the concept of men being all self-centered. • As shown in this CF, apparently there’s an unequal trust between the husband and the wife (or male and female), which is sharply contrasted in three ways– the switch in roles, the original roles they usually play, and finally, the difference in values in regard to the things they each put their trust into. All of theses contrasts ultimately are directed in order to illustrate the capability of the wife and to make fun of the conceited husband.

(15)b[THESIS STATEMENT] and [transition] • Correction (2) The concept in this commercial, that women should be treated equally and trusted, critiques male-centeredness. We can analyze this commercial both in terms of its theme and its supportive details. • Thematically, the commercial sharply contrasts the man and the woman in three ways—showing how they switch gender roles, how they perform their roles, and what they each trust--in order to make fun of the car—and--self-centered man and confirm the capable and sensible woman.

[wordiness][preposition][Sentence Structure][quotation] • (16) Zenobia: [. . . ] It is hard for them to control and change things, and they lack strength in their lives. • In the first verse of the lyrics, “can't get the stink off, he's been hanging round for days. Comes like a comet, suckered you but not your friends,” we might first be confused that “he” is referred to whom. I think “he” is not necessary [word form] a person, and maybe it is kind of personification. I interpret “he” as the feeling of existential anxiety, and this feeling has been bothered [active voice] you for a long time.

[wordiness][preposition][Sentence Structure][quotation] • (16) Correction: The lyrics, right from its first verse, expresses the sense of helplessness: you “can't get the stink off, he's been hanging round for days./Comes like a comet, /suckered you but not your friends.” Who is the “he”? Not necessarily a person, he may be existential anxiety personified, a sentiment that the “you” evade without success.

[wordiness][preposition][Sentence Structure][quotation] • (16) Correction (2): The ‘you’ in the lyrics, is helpless because “you” is haunted by a “he,” who “comes like a comet” and suckers him, and there is no way you can “get the stink off.” Who is the “he”? Not necessarily a person, he may be existential anxiety personified, a sentiment that the “you” evade without success. (integrated quote)

Language Review (1)