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Love in Interpersonal Relationships

Love in Interpersonal Relationships. Lecture by Dr. Alan D. DeSantis. My Favorite Romantic Drama. Six Types of Love From Lee (1976). My Favorite Classic Romance. The Theory of Love Types. 1. We have all of these 6 “love types” in our relationships

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Love in Interpersonal Relationships

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  1. Lovein Interpersonal Relationships Lecture by Dr. Alan D. DeSantis My Favorite Romantic Drama

  2. Six Types of LoveFrom Lee (1976) My Favorite Classic Romance

  3. The Theory of Love Types • 1. We have all of these 6 “love types” in our relationships • 2. What separates us is the degrees of each (each person is different) • 3. Degrees can change with time • In 10 years, #6 is largest / #4 is smallest • 4. Every relationship we have may differ: • In your first relationship, you are insecure & passionate • (Because s/he was non-committal & sexual) • In your next, you are calm & relaxed • (Because s/he was nurturing and warm) • Key: Others make us who we are in relationships 6 1 5 2 4 3 My Chart

  4. 1) Eros Love • Highly passionate, sexual, & intense • Often Believe in: • Love as Magical • Love as fate • Love at first sight • Very “American” • Movie: Titanic / Romeo and Juliet / Ghosts / Sweet Home Alabama / Natural Born Killers / Princess Bride / Sleepless in Seattle / Snow White, Sleeping Beauty & Cinderella • Hollywood loves eros love!

  5. 2) Ludus Love • The “Players” love • Will often: • Keep their passions in check • Avoid trouble and intensity • Feel uncomfortable about commitment • Keep secrets • Have affairs • Remember, we all have a little ludus in us • When a relationship gets too intense (or is no longer fun), they leave • Movie: Great Expectations / St. Elmo’s Fire / Cruel Intentions / Dangerous Liaisons • Hollywood’s Formula: Ludus plays with Eros--Eros is crushed

  6. 3) Storge Love • Peaceful and slow • Not passionate and intense • Friendship is key • Difficult to separate from friendships • This love . . . • Develops over time • Endures long periods of inactivity or excitement • Lacks the heat of eros and the games of ludus • Movie: Harry Met Sally / The Wedding Singer / My Best Friends Wedding / Shrek / You’ve Got Mail / Beauty and the Beast / 2 Weeks Notice / How To Lose A Guy / Tootsie

  7. 4) Pragma Love • Practical • Looking for “types” • Parents, $, race, nationality, family, etc. • Love is logical & More stable • Not magical, but rational • Movie:Pretty Woman / Bridges of MC / As Good As It Gets / Shakespeare in Love / Big Fat Greek Wedding / Grease / Maid in Manhattan / Notting Hill • Hollywood Formula: Woman settles for pragma love--but is unhappy

  8. 5) Mania Love • Extreme highs and lows • Jealousy • Obsessive • Self-worth comes from the relationship • Nothing else matters • Movie: Fatal Attraction / Something About Mary / American Beauty / The Crush / Memento / Taxi Driver / Swim Fan • Hollywood Formula: slashing tires, stalking, going into exile, drinking, etc..

  9. 6) Agape (Alan) Love • This love is . . . • Compassionate • Selfless • Egoless • No concern for personal reward or gain • Want the best for the other person • Movie: Forrest Gump / Man Love a Women / John Q / Casablanca /

  10. Test Time • Take out pen and paper • Number your paper from 1 to 24 • Select one relationship to analyze • Past or Present • Be honest---these will NOT be collected! Love It!!

  11. 1) My lover and I have the perfect physical chemistry between us • 2) I feel that my lover and I were truly meant for each other (fate) • 3) My lover and I really understand each other (soul mates) • 4) My lover fits my ideal standards of physical beauty (my idea of a “10”) • 5) I try to keep my lover a little uncertain about my commitment to him/her • 6) I believe that what my lover doesn’t know about me won’t hurt him/her (I keep secrets) Love??

  12. 7) It is important that our relationship is fun and exciting • 8) When my lover gets too dependent on me, I want them to back off • 9) To be genuine, love must develop over time (not an over-night thing) • 10) I expect to always be friends with my lover • 11) Our love is really a deep friendship, not a mysterious, mystical emotion • 12) Our love is the most satisfying because it developed from, and is based on, a deep caring relationship Too Sappy

  13. 13) In choosing my lover, I believed it was best to love someone with a similar background • 14) A main consideration in choosing my lover was whether my family would approve • 15) An important factor in choosing a partner is whether or not he/she would be a good parent • 16) One consideration in choosing my lover was what career he/she selected • 17) When things aren’t right with my lover and me, my stomach gets upset • 18) Sometimes I get so excited about being in love with my lover that I can’t sleep I Don’t Get It?

  14. 19) When my lover doesn’t pay attention to me, I feel sick all over (emotionally, physically, etc.) • 20) I cannot relax if I suspect that my lover is with someone else • 21) I try to always help my lover through difficult times • 22) I would rather suffer myself than let my lover suffer • 23) When my lover gets angry with me, I still love him/her fully and unconditionally • 24) I would endure all things for the sake of my lover Gotta Love the 80s

  15. Calculating the Results: • Statements • 1-4 are Eros • 5-8 are Ludus • 9-12 are Storge • 13-16 are Pragma • 17-20 are Manic • 21-24 are Agapic • Highlight your high and low brackets • 3 to 4 “Trues or Falses” are Markers Not All Love Is Healthy Love

  16. Now What? • 1) What do these findings tell you about yourself? • Illuminate Mistakes? • Illuminate Successes? • Do you wish you could make different decisions about love? • 2) Do it again with another “love” in mind • See how they differ • 3) Have your boy/girlfriend take the test with you I’m Embarrassed

  17. General Findings • I. National Findings on Love Test • A. Men: Eros and Luduc • B. Women: Manic, Pragma, and Stroge • C. Age and Evolution • Eros and Mania are “young” loves • In time, couples grow into Stroge and Agape love YUK!!

  18. General Research • II. National Statistics on Love and Sex • A. Infatuations • First infatuation (W: 13 / M: 13.6) • First love (W: 17.1/ M: 17.6) • B. Gender and Virginity—Women Sooner • Average age for 1st time sex: 16 W / 17 M • % of virgins 18-24 years: 6.2% W / 10.8% M • Notice: Sex comes before love • Note: Since “oral sex” is not considered “sex,” figures are misleading • Many still consider themselves “virgins” even after multiple oral partners

  19. General Research • III. Romantic Love(believe it or not) • A. Married men have a more romantic concept of love than their wives • Men believe in love at first sight more • More men believe love can overcome anything • B. Twice as many women would marry for reasons other than love • In 1965, 75% of women said they would marry a man they did not love if he fit the bill in other ways • Today, only about 10% of American women say they would (Whitehead, 2003) • 49% in Indians • 51% in Pakistan

  20. III. Romantic Love (cont.) • C. After divorce, Men are more likely to get re-married • And sooner • D. Married men are psychologically and physically healthier, but not so for women • Reason 1: Without their wives, most men have no support system and no one to talk to about life’s stresses • Men are 8 times more likely to commit suicide after divorce • Reason 2: Women do most of the work in most relationships (even when both are working outside the home)

  21. General Findings • IV. Age, Love, and Sex(1999 AARP Survey) • 60% of couples 45-60 years old report having sex once a week (the average for all couples) • 20% over 75 report having sex once a week • After 50 years of age, men become more romantic; women become more sexually assertive • Majority of couples over 55 report finding their significant other more romantic and attractive Beautiful Film

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