Mediate To Motivate Reaching Out to Youth

1. Mediate To MotivateReaching Out to Youth Mindy Turner, 4-H Youth Development Specialist NM 4-H Forum for Adults November 5, 2011

2. Introductions • Name • County • Years involved with 4-H • Hot Buttons • Post-It Buttons

3. Today’s Lesson • Conflict • What Mediators Do • Learning & Mastery • Attitude & Mindset • Tools • Acknowledgment • Restating • Reframing • Summarizing

4. CONFLICT!!!! • Defining Conflict • Causes of Conflict • Values related Conflict • Relationship related Conflict • Structural or Positional related Conflict • Data related Conflict

5. Conflict • What have you learned about conflict? • How was conflict handled in your family? • What happened when there was conflict at school? • How are you affected by culture, religion and other influences?

6. PUSHING • People position themselves in various patterns, like an ATTACH-DEFEND Cycle, when in conflict. Blaming language, entrenching, emotionalism and other behaviors add to being stuck in the pattern. Learning strategies for cutting through the patterns is an invaluable skill in working with youth.

7. PUSHING • When you push on someone, they are inclined to push back. *we don’t always know what constitutes a push to someone else. • Our intentions behind words and actions may be very different than their impact on another person. • Blaming is sometimes the easiest way to avoid responsibility • We sometimes operate in reaction, based on old patterns, instead of creating responses based from thoughtful consideration.

8. PUSHING • Our listening is distorted when we are in conflict, we hear through filters like assumptions, expectations and emotion. • We may lack perspective and/or skills to work things through collaboratively. What will you remember from the pushing activity?

9. Learning & Mastery

10. What Mediators Do • Create a safe environment • Listen and elicit information • Assist parties as they clarify meaning and define issues • Problem solve through option generation • Facilitate negotiations • Record agreements

11. More than Going from Dispute to Resolution • Uninformed • Agitated/Angry • Confused • Misunderstood • Nobody • Blame • Huh? • Informed • Calmer • Clear • Understood/Accepted • Somebody • Responsibility • Aha!

12. Attitude How we THINK influences what we SAY and Do

13. Mediation Mindset • Objective • Non-judgmental • Accepting • Trust in the youth • Re-define Control • Does not “assume” • Check our own baggage • BE FULLY PRESENT!

14. Can You Let Go of Your Own Needs… …and Listen?

15. Listening Like a Mediator • Remain detached mentally and emotionally • Refraining from advice giving, agreeing or disagreeing • Maintaining an awareness of your body language • Patience • No judging or blaming • Sincerity

16. Mediation Toolbox Bridging Differences Listening Responding To acknowledge and clarify by Paraphrasing Summarizing Questioning Reframing Reflecting • To promote understanding • Summarizing • Questioning • Reframing • To hear • Content • Emotions • values

17. Acknowledgement • Listen and hear others where they are • Let them know you have heard them • Acknowledging is not agreeing • Acknowledging does not mean you give up your view point • Requires recognizing where you differ and where you might agree

18. Why Acknowledge? • Can soften an attitude enough to change stubborn to willing • People want to know you have heard them • Prevents escalation in a conflict • Encourages conversation and avoids blame

19. Acknowledging Skills • Acknowledge both feeling and content as appropriate • Use objective clear language • Start with a variety for statements: • So for you • If I’m hearing you • From your point of view • You sound • You seem

20. Restating and Paraphrasing • Say back exactly what someone said or say back in such a way to retain the meaning with minor word substitutions

21. Restating and Paraphrasing • Why? • Translate • Clarify • Facilitate Negotiation • Acknowledge • Create Movement • Elicit More Information • Model Objective Language

22. Reflecting • Reflecting is acting as the objective mirror. • Why? • Provide those involved with an opportunity to: • Agree and say more about what is going on for them • Help them feel acknowledged • Let them agree or disagree and clarify • Allow them the opportunity to explore their feelings • Validate their feelings • Create movement • Facilitate negotiation

23. Reflecting & Emotions • If you hear “I feel like…” or “I feel that…” you are getting something other than a feeling level response. “I feel like he is wrong” is an opinion. Try reflecting back what you may hear underneath the thought – maybe you can uncover the emotion. • Sometimes people are not willing to resolve the issue until both their thoughts and emotional content have been acknowledged.

24. Reframing • A person frames his or her point of view by describing issues, creating context, choosing language and defining meanings. • Reframing is a skill. By putting a statement in a new frame we can make it more constructive, less offensive or negative and more approachable. • Reframing restates negative statements without changing the intent and interest.

25. Reframing FROM TO Positive A Joint Problem A Level of Concern Future • Negative • An Individual Problem • A Threat, Blame or Attack • Past Without Changing Its INTENT!

26. Summarizing • Review • Acknowledge • Clarify • Negotiate shared understanding • Re-Focus • Buy Time • Tactfully Interrupt • Translate

27. Helpful Phrases • When you need more information • When you want to reflect feelings • When you want to summarize • When you want to generate options • When you decide to do a “reality test”

28. Summary • Conflict • What Mediators Do • Learning & Mastery • Attitude & Mindset • Tools • Acknowledgment • Restating • Reframing • Summarizing

29. Questions