Mindful Listening

1. Mindful Listening By Donna Brown

3. What is mindfulness? • A way of focusing your attention that can produce significant benefits • Opposite of multi-tasking

4. Rebecca Shafir writes “our environment with its constant bombardment of stimuli challenges your innate ability to relax and focus on one task at a time.”

5. Why do we listen? • We listen to obtain information • We listen to understand • We listen for enjoyment • We listen to learn • Listen Effectively from “Hitch” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TQzduf9GH8M

6. We remember 25% to 50% of what we hear. • That means when you talk to your boss, colleagues, customers, or spouse for 10 minutes, they pay attention to half of the conversation. • Good communication skills require a high level of self-awareness

7. By understanding your personal style of communicating, you will go along way towards creating good and lasting impressions of others • The average person speaks at 125 words per minute, yet we can process up to 500 words per minute

8. How to be a good Listener

9. What is active listening? • The process of listening, clarifying, giving feedback, and self-disclosing. • It involves the participation of both parties in verbal and non-verbal ways. • The use of “I” statements is imperative.

10. Make eye contact • Look the speaker in the face most of the time, especially look at his/her eyes • If you forget to make eye contact, speaker may think you are bored, withdrawn, or simply not listening • Be culturally sensitive: some individuals may be uncomfortable with too much direct eye contact

11. Take a listening position • Sit or stand in a comfortable position • Aim your body in the general direction of the speaker • Try to be relaxed • Be aware of other non-verbals: placement of arms, leaning forward when necessary, head nodding, degree of personal space, smiling

12. Effective Listening: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FTr7mRs1ixg

13. Paraphrase the speaker’s message • State in your own words what someone has just said • Some common ways to lead into paraphrases are: • What I hear you saying is…. • In other words…. • So basically how you felt was… • What happened was… • Sounds like you’re feeling… • The speaker has the chance to make the message more clear if he/she doesn’t think you really understood

14. Ask clarifying questions • If something the speaker said is unclear, ask him/her a question to get more information • Asking questions make you an active, interested listener • The speaker can tell you have been listening enough to have a question and care enough to ask • Ask open ended questions: • Could you give me an example…

15. Make comments, ask questions • When the speaker stops or pauses, make comments about the same subject • If you change the topic suddenly, she/he may think you weren’t listening • If the speaker asks a question, your answer can show you were listening • Use silence to your benefit versus attempting to fill the conversation with constant talk

16. Provide appropriate feedback • Feedback should always be given in an honest and supportive way • Empathy: identify with the speaker’s feelings. It can be difficult if you have different life experiences or would try a different solution • Openness: be a supportive, but neutral listener. Be careful of judgments. • Awareness: be aware of your own biases. We all have them, it’s human nature

17. Eight Barriers to Effective listening

18. 1. Knowing the answer • You think you already know what the speaker wants to say, before she actually finishes saying it. You might then impatiently cut her off or try to complete the sentence for her. • Even more disruptive is interrupting her by saying that you disagree with her, but without letting her finish saying what it is that you think you disagree with. • By interrupting the speaker before letting her finish, you're essentially saying that you don't value what she's saying. Showing respect to the speaker is a crucial element of good listening. • The "knowing the answer" barrier also causes the listener to pre-judge what the speaker is saying -- a kind of closed-mindedness. • A good listener tries to keep an open, receptive mind. He looks for opportunities to stretch his mind when listening, and to acquire new ideas or insights, rather than reinforcing existing points of view.

19. Overcoming this barrier • Wait for three seconds after the speaker finishes before beginning your reply. • Three seconds is a good thing, because it gives the speaker a chance to fully vent his or her feelings. • Another strategy is to schedule a structured session during which only one person speaks while the other listens. You then switch roles in the next session.

20. 2. Trying to be helpful • The listener is thinking about how to solve what he perceives to be the listener’s problem • He misses what the speaker is actually saying

21. Overcoming the barrier • Schedule a separate session for giving advice • Politely ask if you may offer a possible solution • Wait for the speaker to clearly invite you to go ahead before giving advice

22. 3. Treating discussion as a competition • Agreeing with the speaker during a debate is a sign of weakness • Feel compelled to challenge every point

23. Overcoming this barrier • Debating should be scheduled for a separate session • Avoid dismissing the speaker’s statements • Instead affirm the points of agreement

24. 4. Trying to influence or impress • A person with an agenda will not simply listen • People can understand language 2-3 times faster than they can speak • Therefore the listener has time to think about other things while listening • The listener will use this time to plan their “next move”

25. Overcoming this barrier • Make note of your internal motives while listening • You’ll eventually become conscious of your ulterior motives • They may unravel allowing you to let go and just listen

26. 5. Reacting to red flags • Words can provoke a reaction in the listener • Red flag words trigger an unexpectedly strong reaction in the listener’s mind • The speaker may not have meant the word in the way the listener understood

27. Overcoming this barrier • Ask the speaker to confirm whether she meant to say what you think she said • Try to stop the conversation, if possible, so you don’t miss anything else the speaker has to say

28. 6. Believing in language • A misplaced trust in the precision of words • Language is a guessing game • Meaning must always be actively negotiated • Words have unique effect in the mind of each person • Words work by pointing at experiences shared by speaker and listener

29. Overcoming this barrier • Practice mistrusting the meaning of words • Ask the speaker supporting questions to cross-verify what the words mean to him • Don’t assume the words mean exactly the same to you as they do the listener • You can stop the speaker and question the meaning of the word

30. 7. Mixing up the forest and the trees • People pay too close attention to detail • They miss the overall meaning • “trees” people-name characteristics in no particular order • “forest” people-sweeping, abstract, bird’s eye view • Good explanations usually provide both: the big picture and specific view

31. Overcoming this barrier • Explicitly ask the speaker for the overall context or specific details as needed • Cross-verify by asking how the trees fit together with the forest • An accurate picture of how details fit together is crucial in understanding the speaker’s thoughts • Ask open ended questions

32. 8. over-splitting or over-lumping • “Splitters”-how things are different • “Lumpers”-how things are alike • Different mental styles can cause confusion • A listener who is an over-splitter can inadvertently signal that he disagrees with everything • That can cause noise and interfere with the flow of conversation • Achieve a good balance is important

33. Overcoming this barrier • Ask questions to determine more precisely where you agree and disagree • By voicing points of convergence and divergence the listener can create a more accurate mental model of the speaker’s mind

34. Conclusion • It takes a lot of concentration to be an active listener • Be deliberate with your listening • Your goal is truly hear what the other person is saying • Concentrate on the message; do not let your mind wander • Ask questions, reflect, and paraphrase Is anybody listening? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=poAUNIQsTJI