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Steps to Revising

Steps to Revising. Content/Audience Organization Sentence Structure and Word Choice Grammar and Voice. 1. Content/ Audience. Title “Eating Eyeballs”—a little informal but catchy Uses a light example to demonstrate a larger personal trait—willingness to try something new Highlights travel

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Steps to Revising

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  1. Steps to Revising • Content/Audience • Organization • Sentence Structure and Word Choice • Grammar and Voice

  2. 1. Content/ Audience • Title “Eating Eyeballs”—a little informal but catchy • Uses a light example to demonstrate a larger personal trait—willingness to try something new • Highlights travel • Demonstrates personality

  3. 2. Organization • Too long • Cut a little in each paragraph

  4. 3. Sentence Structure/ Word Choice I first became aware of food when I wasabout six years old. /Yes, I already knew that you putfood in your mouth, chewed and swallowed, and that it tasted either good or bad. /But I wasn't really aware of food until I noted that while my friends had dinner like macaroni and cheese, my parents were making chicken cacciatore. /Iwas crushed; I wanted to be normal./So I retaliated by refusing to taste the wonderful meals my parents would make./ Iwould only agree to try the dishes if my parents would let me eat peanut butter afterwards. /My fall back plan was a little odd, as I didn't like peanut butter, so I would usually eat the dinner my parents had prepared after acting dismayed at the foreign sounding name of the dish. Key: first words- green; verbs- blue; slash between sentences

  5. What can we tell about the first paragraph… • Lora does not repeat any sentence start: that’s good; however, transitions such as “But” sentence 3 and “So” sentence 5 are not the best but do help make the tone light. • 3 long sentences followed by a short one: “I was crushed; I wanted to be normal” adds emphasis to the short one.

  6. What can we tell about the first paragraph cont… • Lots of was verbs- tend to be passive and wordy. Instead of “I first became aware of food when I was about six”: “I first became aware of food at age six”

  7. Now you try with paragraph 2…. • Draw slashes between sentences • Circle verbs • Underline first words • What would you change?

  8. Your Turn Choose one paragraph in your college essay to look at the way we looked at Lora’s: • Draw slashes between sentences • Circle verbs • Underline first words • What would you change?

  9. 4. Grammar and Voice • Read aloud to check for voice. It should all SOUND like the same writer. • Read backward sentence by sentence to check grammar. Because they smelled like a particular savory pasta sauce my parents would make, I decided they must be mushrooms, and that even though I didn’t like mushrooms, at least they weren’t eyeballs.

  10. 4. Grammar and Voice • Sophisticated grammar • Proper use of colon [I forged my way through three of those little fish: eyes, tongue, bones, imagines brains, and all.] in a list • Proper use of parentheses [the four books that my mother had allowed me to take 9I had wanted more).] to insert aside • Proper use of dash [Patrice explained the best way to eat these sardines was to eat the whole thing—bones, skin, eyes, and all.] to emphasize a comment/phrase that could use commas • Use of a list and bold for emphasis

  11. Lora's Application Results CollegeAdmission - Decision Bard College - Accepted w/merit scholarship Brandeis University - Accepted Gettysburg College - Accepted w/merit scholarship Hamilton College - Waitlisted Haverford College - Waitlisted Kenyon College - Waitlisted

  12. Top 5 College Essay Pointers from the POINT: • 1. Show, Don’t Tell: Tips on showing: • Give examples of the telling statement • Use sensory details: sight, sound, smell, etc... • Write a simile or analogy

  13. 2. Keep to the Main Point: Ways to revise focus: • Don’t tell every detail of the story, keep focus on how the even changed you • Keep focus on paragraph’s topic sentences

  14. 3. Avoid Padded Sentences: Ways to correct a padded sentence: • Use active verbs (not am, is, are, was, were) • Avoid phrases starting with “this” and “that” • Avoid redundancies like “next” and “upcoming”

  15. 4. Avoid the Weak Passive: Ways to make verbs active: • Circle all verbs in your essay; be sure to use a variety • Put the subject first then the verb • Keep verbs present, not progressive

  16. 5. Avoid Shifts in Person or in Tense • Keep verbs all preset or all past • Match pronouns: one or “a person”= he/she and him/her you=you (avoid this one) I= we or me • Make lists parallel

  17. Homework Don’t turn in this draft….Take it home, review it, use the rubric and the goals list, and write 1 specific skill you plan to work on and 1 question for me to answer. Turn that in on Tuesday.

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