The One

1. The One Is there anybody out there??

2. Before we begin... • No “Dr Phils” here! This is only one particular approach and perspective to this topic. • This topic is a sensitive and personal one. • Developed with a lot of surveying, study, reflection and prayer. • We’re going to lead into a bit of a discussion and reflection on the topic then break open for discussion round the room.

3. In the minds eye... • How we understand this idea in popular media?

4. Our Experience Of It • There are a lot of questions:

5. Is there really only one perfect person out there whom you are supposed to marry? • How do you know who that person is? Let alone find them in the first place? • What if “The one” doesn’t like me!? • I can’t find anyone. Should I lower my standards? • What about falling in love with a friend? • “...Well, he’s not the one as I hoped for... but I can change him into “the one”!...can’t I??” • I found the one, she was everything I hoped for but she left me (or I messed it up), I guess I’m destined to be alone for the rest of my life. • I’m terrified that the one is out there and I only get one shot at getting this right. I could get married to the wrong person and spend a lifetime in misery!!

6. (St Anne) “Why does God make this so hard!!??” - “Ask and you shall receive...” ???

7. How do I decide? • The world is full of different and unique people! • “you’ll just know when its the one!!!” • (“...you’ll feel your heart drop down, splash into your stomach and explode into butterflies!!!”) • Falling in love!

8. Attraction: • This is the natural way God designed us. • I would not recommend to ever get married if you are not attracted to each other. • Attraction can draw out what is best in us. • True attraction is not only to ones physical beauty but also to their inner beauty. • “Charm is deceptive and beauty fleeting; the woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.” (Prov 31:30)

9. Inspecting the foundations... • A relationship stands on whatever foundation you choose. If its foundation is pleasure, or character or virtue, then the marriage will stand and fall on how enduring these qualities are. • The question then becomes, does the covenant of marriage hold on a mutual and equal giving of love?

10. The Nature of Love • “Love is not merely a sentiment. Sentiments come and go. A sentiment can be a marvellous first spark, but it is not the fullness of love.” - Pope Benedict XVI, Deus Caritas Est, 2007 • To place their welfare above our own comfort, is the true depth of love.

11. The deeper nature of love • Ultimately one must ask themselves: “Am I ready to give my life for this person to become good?” • Here we see a key nature of love: it is a choice! • “Even if they are a “doozy”?” • This decision to love does not rest on looks, character or virtues, or even perfect mutual love... it is based on the unchanging value of a person.

12. “It (love) is put to the test most severely when the sensual and emotional reactions themselves grow weaker... Nothing then remains except the value of the person, and the inner truth about the love of those connected comes to light. If their love is a true gift of self, so that they belong to the other, it will not only survive but grow stronger, and sink deeper roots. Whereas if it was never more than a synchronization of sensual and emotional experiences it will lose its reason for existence and the persons involved will suddenly find themselves in a vacuum.” - JPII Love & Responsibility

13. Assessing a potential spouse: Fr Anthony Percy: Theology of the body made simple: • Do I see myself marrying this person? • Do I see myself having children with this person? • Does this person love God more than me?

14. Assessing a potential spouse:Jason Evert • How is your friendship? • Can you disagree lovingly? Or are there issues of manipulation, anger or guilt involved? • Do you think that your prospective spouse would make a good parent? • If you died, would you be happy for your spouse to raise your kids on their own without any correction from you? • Are you prepared for your son to turn out exactly like his father? And daughters like their mothers? • How is your prospective spouse’s faith? • The church allows mixed marriages but advises against them because of the difficulties they present within marriage. • Are you financially ready? Is your career stable? • What do your friends and families say? They often know you the best!

15. The best guide is the other persons character and virtue. • Similar faith often ensures more unity in important values. • Trust, Communication, Apologising/Forgiveness • A successful marriages are not the result of finding the perfect person, but of loving the imperfect person that you have chosen to marry.

16. Practical Advice and Pointers • The Problem of Singleness: Loneliness • There’s no one waiting at the airport, • no one with whom to discuss problems, • no one to call when you backed your car into a tree! • Often self-pity, despair and resignation make us quite vulnerable and trapped in ourselves. • Being single does not have to mean being alone. In fact it is important that you invest in good friendships.

17. Tip #1 – Embrace your singleness. • Give yourself unreservably to the Lord • Become content in this: “I have learned in whatever state I am, to be content.” – St Paul writing to the Phillipians • Before we become happily married, we need to become happily single. Marriage won’t change you internally. • Develop and invest in good friendships • God may be allowing you your time of singleness specifically to form you into the husband, wife or parent that you will need to be.

18. Tip #2 - Become the best version of you! • A happy, content and secure woman or man is going to be far more attractive. • What areas of our life may we need to be working on in some of these areas? • The best husband and father will be a guy who is single-hearted for God. The same applies for women. • If you want a man of God, become a godly woman. All these great qualities I look for in a guy, do I live according to the same expectations? Like attracts like. • Pray for him/her, for their wellbeing and good. You are already loving your future spouse today!

19. Tip#3 - Go to where the good ones are! Go fishing where the “good fish” bite! - Youth groups/Church groups - Cenacle or prayer groups - Retreats, Conferences - Volunteering - Birthday parties, going out and having fun in general!

20. Tip #4 -Don’t settle for less • All of us deserve a spouse who is single-heartedly focussed on God. • A life without a spouse is actually far more tolerable than a life married to someone who is insensitive, puts you down and otherwise utterly selfish. • The character of the men a woman attracts rests largely in her hands. Set high standards and you will attract the kind of men prepared to meet these standards. “He will be as much of a gentleman as she requires.” Men seek out to please and court a lady, you have incredible power to influence him. • When it comes to “changing” a person; minor flaws yes, but major flaws no!

21. Objection: “Where will I find a guy like that? I’ll be in a nursing home by the time he shows up.” Place this in the hands of God.

22. 1st Reading of Christ the King Ezekiel 34:11-17 The Lord says this: I am going to look after my flock myself and keep all of it in view. As a shepherd keeps all his flock in view when he stands up in the middle of his scattered sheep, so shall I keep my sheep in view. I shall rescue them from wherever they have been scattered during the mist and darkness. I myself will pasture my sheep, I myself will show them where to rest – it is the Lord who speaks...

23. ...I shall look for the lost one, bring back the stray, bandage the wounded and make the weak strong. I shall watch over the fat and healthy. I shall be a true shepherd to them.

24. Do we believe this? • Christ wants to guide us to good pasture... to good things... Our Father in Heaven wants to give us good things. “What father would give his son a stone when he asked for bread?” - Matthew 7:9 • Where are you at with this? Do we give God a free hand to move in our circumstances? Do we let God in? • What is the difference between sheep and goats?

25. “Know that I have plans for your welfare, to give you a future and a hope.” (Jer 29:11) • “We know that in everything God works for good for those who love him.” Romans 8:28 • For almighty God..., because he is supremely good, would never allow any evil whatsoever to exist in his works if he were not so all-powerful and good as to cause good to emerge from evil itself. - St Augustine.

26. Is there really only one perfect person out there whom you are supposed to marry? • How do you know who that person is? Let alone find them in the first place? • What if “The one” doesn’t like me!? • I can’t find anyone. Should I lower my standards? • What about falling in love with a friend? • “...Well, he’s not the one as I hoped for... but I can change him into “the one”!...can’t I??” • I found the one, she was everything I hoped for but she left me (or I messed it up), I guess I’m destined to be alone for the rest of my life. • I’m terrified that the one is out there and I only get one shot at getting this right. I could get married to the wrong person and spend a lifetime in misery!!

27. Summary: • The first step to finding “the one”, is that we must become the right one –an ongoing work!- • The second step is to hang out where the good young men and women are. • Who is “The One”? When we choose a person to love forever, they become “The One” for us.

28. Trust in God “Do not worry and say “What are we to eat?” or ‘What are we to drink?” or “What are we to wear?”... Your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you besides.” Matt 6:31-33