Homework to Do Before Our 1 st Class

1. Homework to Do Before Our 1st Class • Read at least through page 25. However, we also encourage you to read ahead to get a start on understanding your “power” and parenting styles. • Be prepared to discuss these topics: • What improvements do you want to see in your home? • What struck you as you read the book? • Did you already resonate with the ideas? • Did you disagree with any of the ideas? • From your reading, what are some of the roots the author gives for the lack of parental leadership?

2. Strengthening Parental Leadership“Background and Origins of Today's Struggles” Barry and Debbie Mattox Class 1

3. Preface • As we describe the problems with kids and parenting, we are going to be generalizing. We are not necessarily talking about your child or your parenting, although certainly some of the material will apply. • Children are different. Each has his own in-born disposition. The position in the family (only child, first-born, middle child, “baby of the family”) will have some affect on a child. Even within a family, some children may be more challenging than others. • Even if some material does not seem to be particularly applicable to you and your family, it will most certainly be true for another family in the church, your relatives, or your neighbors and acquaintances. You may be able to be helpful to others. • Help one another in this class. Share your experiences and appropriately share your observations of one another. • Correct poor behavior that you see at church (running in church, one child bullying another, etc.)

4. How We Will Be Conducting the Class • We expect you to have read at least the assignment for each class, but we encourage you to read ahead. • We will have discussion in each class. We encourage you to … • Ask general questions • Ask questions about why what you attempted to put into practice did not seem to work as well as you had hoped • Share your successes with putting into practice what you are learning • Be on-time. Continental breakfast is at 8:30 each Saturday. • At least one of the parents should attend each week. • Be creative with babysitting. Start coops among class members and/or with other parents. Increase your list of babysitters. This, by itself, will improve your family life!

5. You know the only people who are always sure about the proper way to raise children? Those who've never had any. -Bill Cosby

6. What Is True for Almost All Parents • Love their children • Want their children to succeed • Want their children to learn self-control, respect for others, and cooperation • Want others to like their children • Want their children to be happy and secure • Want their children to learn how to be unselfish and empathetic towards others • Want to be loved and respected by their children • Want to create a loving, respectful, peaceful, and enjoyable family life • Want to prepare their children for adulthood • Willing to sacrifice for their children • Feel the great responsibility of being a parent • Do not like to see their children suffer • Want to give comfort when their children are hurting or sad • Need help to figure out practically how to accomplish all of the above

7. We Need Continual Learning and Getting Advice

8. What improvements do you want to see in your home?

9. What struck you as you read the book? Did you already resonate with the ideas? Did you disagree with any of the ideas?

10. Changes Since Your Parents Were Raised • Up through the 1950’s, parents’ concerns were that their children not become “spoiled” by too much attention, too many toys, or too little discipline. A common teaching was “Children should be seen, not heard.” Children were taught to speak politely, never to interrupt, and to show respect to all adults. The “greatest generation” came from this upbringing. • The last 50 years of parenting “experts” have emphasized self-esteem, parents giving children lots of attention, becoming involved in their activities and sports, giving children a role in family decisions, and making sure their kids felt loved and “special.” As a result, the family has become child-centered, and children have become self-centered.

11. Evolution of Societal Parenting Philosophies In the early part of this century, parents didn't worry about shoring up their children's self-esteem or sense of autonomy, and they didn't feel called upon to provide them with "unconditional love." They worried that their children might become spoiled, self-centered, or disobedient. In those days, spankings were administered routinely, often with a weapon such as a belt or a ruler. Kisses were exchanged once a day, at bedtime. Declarations of parental love were made once a lifetime, from the deathbed. The gradual but dramatic change in parenting styles over the past 50 years occurred mainly because more and more parents were listening to the advice of the "experts," and the experts' advice gradually changed. Nowadays parents are told that spankings will make their children more aggressive, that criticism will destroy their self-esteem, and that children who feel loved will be kinder and more loving to others. As a result of this advice, most parents today are administering far fewer spankings and reprimands, and far more physical affection and praise, than their grandparents did. But that's only half the story. The other half is the results, or lack of results, of this change in parenting styles. Are today's children less aggressive, kinder, more self-confident, or happier than the children of two generations ago? If anything, the opposite is true. Rates of childhood depression and suicide, for example, have gone up, not down. And certainly there has been no decline in aggressiveness. http://www.edge.org/3rd_culture/story/9.html

12. Why We Need This Training • It is natural for parents to love their children. • It is not natural to know how to go about parenting children. • Parenting styles for most parents are derived from • Their own parents’ values, styles, and practices • Their friends, movies, TV, etc. • What they learn from books or the internet • Our present culture, as reflected in the media, our neighbors, our children’s friends and classmates, and many parenting books, is moving away from Biblical principles and produces obviously bad results. • If we do not actively train ourselves to parent according to godly principles, we tend to conform to what our culture teaches us.

13. It’s Important to Continue to Read and Learn

14. God’s Plan Is for the Parent(s) to Lead When parents are unprepared and relinquish leadership, their children . . . When parents retain their parental leadership, their children . . . Are a joy to be around Are secureand generally happy Can be content not getting their way Are loving and friendly to others Cooperate with others Adapt well to change Have fewer toileting, eating, and sleeping problems Learn and mature faster Are part of a family that is a shining light to the community • Control a lot of the decisions • Are insecure, whining, tantrums • Are uncooperative, disobedient • Are overly demanding • Hold the family hostage to their demands and poor behavior • Aren’t easy to like and are not fun to be around • Cause stress that affects the whole family, including a marriage relationship that suffers

15. The Need to Test Our Parenting Principles • Parenting books abound, each with its own ideas and emphases. Most books offer at least some insight, while not necessarily being 100% reliable. • Through recent centuries and decades, various parenting philosophies alternately prevail and then fall out of favor in society (and this is reflected in parenting books). • Scriptural principles are timeless. Let us test any approach to parenting using clear scriptural principles. • The practical applications of good principles to specific situations are best learned by taking advantage of the experience of others who have gone before. This includes good books, as well as those who have demonstrated success in their own parenting.

16. Why We Chose This Book • Although the author does not claim to get her ideas from the Bible, her teaching follows sound principles of leadership, training, and right attitudes, which do correspond to Biblical principles. • The book teaches that we, as parents, must look to our own lives, attitudes, and parenting abilities, rather than excusing our children’s bad behavior by saying • They are going through a stage • They’re hungry, or tired, or disappointed • They’re overly strong-willed • They’re just a difficult child

17. This Class Will Teach You the “Practicals” • You probably already subscribe to the Biblical principles. • This class will cover the specifics of “What do I do when . . . ?” • We are going to use the book, Beyond Time Out - from Chaos to Calm, by Beth A. Grosshans. • We will test the lessons given by Grosshans to see that they are generally in accordance with Biblical principles. • The author focuses on giving you the knowledge of what to do, so that you can remain consistently in the parenting role, rather than giving up control out of frustration, fear of doing the wrong thing, or just plain getting worn down. • As we will see, Grosshans incorrectly rigidly associates corporal discipline (spanking) with anger, frustration, retaliation, and other negative authoritarian motivations. Although a parent could have such attitudes with or apart from the use of spanking, the godly parent must be careful to use spanking only in love for training his child.

18. Is Spanking OK? • We believe the author has the misconception that spanking is bullying out of parental anger, frustration, and lack of proper parental relationship to the child. • The Bible teaches “the rod” as a way to discipline and training. • The Bible instructs that the “the rod” is used out of love and concern for the child - not frustration, anger, or retribution (payback) for what the child has done. • Proverbs 13:24 Whoever spares the rod hates their children, but the one who loves their children is careful to discipline them. • Proverbs 22:15 Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline will drive it far away. • Proverbs 23:13-14 Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you punish them with the rod, they will not die. Punish them with the rod and save them from death. • We believe that it should be possible to train children with little or no spanking. • When spanking is used, the parent should be trained to administer it for the right reasons, with the proper attitude, and with respect for the child.

19. Leadership and “Power” in the Family • God’s plan is that the parents lead and direct the children. God has designed the family so that the parents naturally have the power to lead their family. The key is not to give up this power! • You are bigger and stronger than they are. • You have abilities, they start with almost none. • There are two of you. • A child does not know what is good for him or even what will make him happy. It’s your job to lead and train him towards maturity. • From age 0 to 18, your child starts as a helpless infant, totally dependent on you, and becomes an adult, who needs to have developed good character, faith in God, education and skills, and the ability to make wise decisions. • From age 0 to 18, you are to gradually transition from your making all of the decisions for the child to his being trained to make good decisions for himself. • Proverbs 29:15 The rod and rebuke give wisdom, but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother. • Establish your leadership as early as possible. Changing “who is in control” becomes more and more difficult the longer a pattern exists.

20. How to View Your Child’s Drive for Control • Your child is not evil; he’s just a child and he is hard-wired to want to take control, whether the control benefits him or not. • It is the parent’s job to maintain leadership and control and not give it up to the child. • Getting control leads your child to push even harder for more power. • It is the parent’s job to lead, to train, to retain the control and not give it to the children, who are not equipped to use it constructively. • Children enjoy life, are secure, and have energy to learn when their parents lead and do not give control to the child. • Your child picks up on any weakness, tentativeness, and compromise as an opportunity. • Parental anger or frustration is perceived as weakness by the child, who will exploit it. • If his tactics get you to give in, your child will continue to exercise those tactics. • Getting control leads to insecurity and tactics such as crying, whining, and defiance, which are unpleasant for both the parents and the child.

21. What a Parent Must Understand • Read page 17 (halfway down) through page 18 (2/3-way down) • The question your child is asking isNOT “What are you going to say about it?”BUT “What are you going to do about it?”

22. From your reading, what are some of the roots the author gives for the lack of parental leadership?

23. Homework to Do Before Our 2nd Class • Read at least through page 41. However, we also encourage you to read ahead to get a start on understanding your parenting styles. • Be prepared to discuss these topics: • Talk about discussions you have had since our last class with your spouse or others about the material you’ve been reading or learning in the 1st Class. Were there any exciting revelations, epiphanies, or even disagreements. • Discuss the concepts of power, domination, authoritative, and authoritarian. How do these ideas relate to the parent-child relationship. • What causes you most to give into your child versus sticking to your original direction. • What are the negative outcomes of allowing your child to have too much power. • How much do you tend to reason with your child, respond to objections or questions, or otherwise verbally interact following giving him direction? • What are the indicators that you are giving your child too much power?