Homework to Do Before Our 2 nd C lass

1. Homework to Do Before Our 2ndClass • Read at least through page 41. However, we also encourage you to read ahead to get a start on understanding your parenting styles. • Be prepared to discuss these topics: • Talk about discussions you have had since the 1st class with your spouse or others about the material you’ve been reading or learning in the 1st Class. Were there any exciting revelations, epiphanies, or even disagreements. • Discuss the concepts of power, domination, authoritative, and authoritarian. How do these ideas relate to the parent-child relationship. • What causes you most to give into your child versus sticking to your original direction. • What are the negative outcomes of allowing your child to have too much power. • How much do you tend to reason with your child, respond to objections or questions, or otherwise verbally interact following giving him direction? • What are the indicators that you are giving your child too much power?

2. Strengthening Parental Leadership“ABCs of the Parent-Child Power Struggle” Barry and Debbie Mattox Class 2

3. Discussion Have you had any “epiphanies”since our last parenting class?

4. Who is the Most Power Person in the World • to a child? • to an adolescent? • to a teenager? • Being a parent naturally gives you power, including the power to determine what you will DO with your power. • This is true no matter how good or bad a parent you are. • Example: Rusty on the show “Major Crimes” Proverbs 17:6 Children’s children are a crown to the aged, and parents are the pride of their children.

5. Discussion • Discuss the differences between power and domination/oppression. • What is the difference between “authoritative” and “authoritarian”? Ephesians 6:4 Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger,but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

6. How Do You Feel about the Power Hierarchy? • How do you feel about taking the place at the top of the family power hierarchy? • How does the way your parents used their power affect the way that you think about your power? • How does the way your spouse uses their power affect the way that you think about your power? • If you are a grandparent, how does the way your grandchild’s parents use their power affect the way you think about your power? Proverbs 3:12 because the Lord disciplines those he loves, as a father the son he delights in.

7. God Gives You the Power to Do Good • Biblical principles and this book will help you to exercise your power in a loving manner that leads to secure, respectful, and cooperative children with a bright future. • Do not react to examples of parental abuse of power by abdicating your position of leadership and letting your child “run the show.” • Children almost never use inappropriate power well. • Do not make the mistake of being fearful to lead your child. You will not lead perfectly, but the alternative is giving your leadership power to your child, and that does not go well. Hebrews 12:8 If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline) you are illegitimate children and not true sons.

8. What You Are Up Against • All children seek power in service to what they think will give them immediate pleasure and gratification. • Children figure out what gives them power – in other words, what helps them to get their way. They figure out how they can influence their environment, particularly the people in it. • Some children have strong power drives; others have more easy going temperaments. • At what age do children usually first realize that they can influence what you do? Colossians 3:20 Children, obey your parents ineverything, for this pleases the Lord.

9. There Is a Natural Struggle Children RESIST parental leadership Children don’t use their inappropriate power well Children have a drive to gain power/control and to test limits Your child will resist baths, eating well, sleep, brushing, etc. • Children NEED parental leadership • Parents are mature, equipped to use their power wisely • Parents must provide limits and boundaries • You, the mature one, must lead, not accommodate, your child Proverbs 23:24 The father of a righteous child has greatjoy; a man who fathers a wise son rejoices in him.

10. Discussion What are the negative outcomes of allowing your child to have too much power?

11. One Result of Poor Parental Leadership

12. Giving a Child Inappropriate Power Harms Him • The more power a child has, the more he will push to get more • Giving a child inappropriate power derails his capacity for self-control, respect, and cooperation. • When a child is used to getting his way, his energy is largely focused on that goal, and he has less energy and focus for learning and maturing. • This can show up in his potty training, eating skills, sleeping habits. • He is delayed in learning to play well with other children and to obey adults. • He will suffer from fewer friends or mainly the “wrong types” of friends. • His inappropriate control is likely to cause family resentments and conflicts. • When kids RULE the family, they will RUIN the family. Proverbs 13:24 Whoever spares the rod hates their children, butthe one who loves their children is careful to discipline them.

13. Indicators of Inappropriate Power in the Child • The more a child’s power dominates the relationship with his parent, the more outrageous, and even destructive, his behaviors can be. • Children with too much power display these types of behaviors: • Impulsive • Unruly • Disorganized • Anxious • Fearful • Angry • Insecure • Tantrums • Whining • Disobedient Proverbs 17:25 A foolish son brings grief to his fatherand bitterness to the mother who bore him.

14. What People Used to Call “A Spoiled Kid”

15. Discussion What typically causes you to give into your child versus sticking to your original direction?

16. Worn-Out Parenting • There is friction and discord in the home withan Imbalance of Family Power (IFP). • Because everyone is weary and worn down, a“path-of-least-resistance parenting” style is practiced and creates a vacuum of parental authority and standards. • Does this sound familiar in your home? Proverbs 29:17 Discipline your son, and he will giveyou rest; he will give delight to your heart.

17. Even Great Parents Get Weary Sometimes

18. Two Primary Ways Children Refuse Direction The two primary ways for children to refuse their parent’s agenda and assert their own are the behaviors of . . . OPPOSITION and ANXIETY

19. Opposition • Whining, crying, talking back, arguing • Opposition can tend to “push our buttons” and get us upset, frustrated, angry, and generally not in the best frame of mind to lead. • How do you respond to opposition from your child? • Any lack of firmness and leadership in the face of opposition is perceived by the child as a means of gaining influence and power. • If an opposition tactic works to achieve what the child wanted, he will certainly use it again. Proverbs 29:15 A rod and a reprimand impart wisdom,but a child left undisciplined disgraces its mother.

20. Anxiety • You might think that a parent should rush to the aid of their child at the first sign of fear, anxiety, worry, or other distress. • It is very natural for a parent to want to protect and comfort their children. • However, children key off our responses to their anxieties. If we join them in their unfounded fears, etc., we are confirming them. • When parents are TOO REASSURING or SOLICITOUS of their anxieties, their children perceive a means of gaining influence and power for themselves. Heb 4:11 No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, itproduces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.

21. What a Child Really Needs • Children need to learn to rely on a parent’s better judgment. • How can this affect their childhood? • How will this affect them as adults? • How will this affect them in their faith? • Children need to learn how to be content rather than to demand life on their terms. • How will this affect how well they do in school? • How will this affect a future job? • How will this show up in their marriage relationships? • How will this affect their other close relationships? Proverbs 22:6 Train up a child in the way he should go;even when he is old he will not depart from it.

22. We Want Them to Succeed in Life

23. We’re Preparing Them for Adulthood

24. Discussion How much do you tend to reason with your child, respond to objections or questions, or otherwise verbally interact following giving him direction?

25. What Children Hear When You Keep Talking

26. The Problem with Talk • The art of successful parenting and establishing a healthy balance of family power is more about what you DO than what you SAY. • The power drive in children is modified more by parental ACTION than by parental conversation. • One of the worst byproducts of talking too much is the mounting frustration and the feeling of craziness that ensues when it yields so little results. Proverbs 29:19 Servants cannot be corrected by mere words; though they understand, they will not respond.

27. Appropriate Power • What are some examples of times that it would be good for children to have the “power” to make a decision (make a choice)? • What are some examples of decisions that require the judgment and experience of an adult? Proverbs 22:15 Folly is bound up in the heart of a child,but the rod of discipline drives it far from him.

28. Excuses Parents Make for Poor Behavior • What are some of the excuses parents make for their children’s poor behavior? • He’s hungry • He’s tired • He’s off schedule • He’s upset because his father is traveling • He’s had too much sugar • Children quickly learn how to exploit these excuses so they can avoid being accountable for their own behavior. Proverbs 20:11 Even a child is known by his actions, by whether his conduct is pure and right?

29. Or this one . . .

30. Discussion What are the indicators that you are giving your child too much power?

31. Homework to Do Before Our 3rdClass • Read at least through page 90. However, we also encourage you to read ahead to get a start on what to do when your child challenges you. • Be prepared to discuss these topics: • Describe the characteristics of each of the four poor parenting styles described in the book. Do any of these describe your parenting style? • Describe the power hierarchy for each of the four poor parenting styles and for healthy parenting. What problems does an improper power structure present? • Give examples of the parental language used by each of the four parenting styles. What should have been said or done instead? What types of things should you stop saying? • What are the detrimental effects on the character of the children from each of the poor parenting styles? If you identify this type of damage in your child, what should you do to heal that damage?