Homework to Do Before Our 3 rd C lass

1. Homework to Do Before Our 3rdClass • Read at least through page 90. However, we also encourage you to read ahead to get a start on what to do when your child challenges you. • Be prepared to discuss these topics: • Describe the characteristics of each of the four poor parenting styles described in the book. Do any of these describe your parenting style? • Describe the power hierarchy for each of the four poor parenting styles and for healthy parenting. What problems does an improper power structure present? • Give examples of the parental language used by each of the four parenting styles. What should have been said or done instead? What types of things should you stop saying? • What are the detrimental effects on the character of the children from each of the poor parenting styles? If you identify this type of damage in your child, what should you do to heal that damage?

2. Strengthening Parental Leadership“Identifying Your Parenting Style(s)” Barry and Debbie Mattox Class 3

3. Parenting Styles according to Doug Savage Our term is the “Forcer” Absolute Worst Parenting Style !! Actually,the “Pushover” What We’ll Call the “Pleaser” the “Outlier”

4. This Is More about You than about Methods • The training methods described later in this book will be effective for most children. Certain behavioral, learning, emotional, or developmental problems may present additional challenges for you as a parent. • These methods (the “ladder” and/or spanking) for training your child in “SRC” (self-control, respect, and cooperation) are useful, but they are not the “end-all.” They are just one part of parenting. • It is important that you begin to understand more about yourself and how and why you tend to respond to your child in a certain way. • Recognize in yourself any poor patterns of parenting, understand what’s behind them (e.g., your own upbringing), and train yourself to have a healthy way of thinking about yourself, your child, and the relationships in your family. • Training yourself in right thinking and attitudes will enable you continue to learn and to maintain a clear perspective about what is most important for your children and your family. A good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and an evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of. Luke 6:45

5. Do You Try to Compensate for Your Spouse’s Style?

6. Instead of Reacting, Be Unified on the Right Principles Responsible Over-Protective Reckless Sentimental Softy Harsh, Rigid Respectful, Firm Appropriate Relationship Overly Attentive Uninvolved Do two walk together unless they have agreed to do so? Amos 3:3

7. Dads and Moms Tend to Have Different Parenting Styles

8. But Not Always

9. Strive for Unity with Your Spouse • When you are not unified, you have a tendency to try to compensate by going the opposite direction from your spouse’s style of interacting with the kids. (Typical: forcer versus pleaser or pushover) • Kids pick up on disunity as weakness, and they will play one parent against the other in an effort to get their way. • Lack of parental unity causes a child to be insecure. He no longer perceives that his parents as a stable, knowledgeable authority. I appeal to you, brothers and sisters, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that all of you agree with one another in what you say and that there be no divisions among you, but that you be perfectly united in mind and thought. 1 Cor 1:10

10. Styles that Result in Lack of Parental Leadership • Pleaser – Excessive attention to avoiding his child experiencing disappointments or hurts • Pushover – Is afraid of losing his child’s affection • Forcer – Authoritarian style; strict; heavy-handedly enforces compliance with demands; lacks relationship • Outlier – Too busy or distracted to be engaged relationally with his child

11. Pleasers (the predominant style in our society) • The Pleaser style is reinforced by the popularity of feelings-based parenting and a culture of material excess • The Pleaser’s focus is on how to best serve their children • The Pleaser’s own self-esteem is largely bound up in their being a good parent • Pleasers are very dedicated to ensuring that their children are happy, feel loved, and that their children become high achievers • Fully invested in having a close, loving relationship with their child • Results in endless parental negotiations, accommodations, and too much empathy with their child’s disappointments or hurts • Tend to analyze every nuance and talk about every angle of their child’s life

12. The World’s Best Parents Don’t Make Their Kids the “Center of the Universe”

13. So What Could Go Wrong? • What could be wrong with being generous, considerate, fully invested in a close, loving relationship with their child? • Pleasers go too far: • They over-parent • They over-attend to feelings • They over-protect • They over-explain • They over-negotiate • They over-respond • except, when it comes to enforcing directives and holding their children accountable to being obedient, respectful, or cooperative Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord. Col 3:20

14. The Result of Pleaser-Parenting • The problem lies in the inflated sense of entitlement and power that children develop when they are given such an exalted status. • The result is that the child becomes self-centered and lacks respect and consideration for others. • When a child fusses or acts hurt in response to a parental direction, the Pleaser will do one or more of the following: • Scramble to sooth, solve, or fix the situation (often by giving in) • Try to reason with their child • Try to strike a bargain or bribe their child • Overly empathize with their child • The Pleaser is depriving his child from developing self-control, self-reliance, learning to be independent, and to deal with disappointments and hurts. • Such children are ill-equipped for the real world that they will encounter • They may have problems excelling in school, and later in the work environment • They will have a harder time dealing the complexities of relationships with others

15. Pleasers Tend to Treat Their Child as an Adult • They try to reason with their child. • They attempt to negotiate. (e.g., woman whose child agreed to getting rid of all his other toys if he could get the toy in the store he wanted) • Adults may be entertained and impressed by a child’s use of lofty language and pseudo-maturity, causing them to try to relate to them as they would to an adult. • The child will continue to engage in arguments, objections, negotiations, as long as the Pleaser parent will accommodate him. • This gives the child a greater sense of his own power and relative importance in the family. Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rodof discipline will drive it far away. Proverbs 22:15

16. We Get Fooled into Thinking That OurChild Is Wiser Than He Really Is

17. We’re Not Talking about Being Rigid:Sometimes a Little Bit of Explanation is OK

18. Pitfalls for Pleasers • Give too many or inappropriate choices • Give too many chances (warnings) • Ask for preferences too often • Apologize too often • Have a distorted sense of consideration • Seek their child’s approval for cooperation (e.g., by adding “OK?”) • When giving a directive, uses pronoun “we” instead of “you” • Child perceives that the parent is not comfortable with being assertive in the parent-child relationship • Pleasers over-process/over-sympathize with both the positive and negative feelings of their children. • This exaggerates out of proportion the importance of ordinary, routine events • Reduces the child’s ability to take normal life events in stride

19. Summary Result of Pleaser-Parenting • Both the parents and children are drained from all the daily verbal negotiations. • Children of Pleaser parents are overwhelmed by (and yet are addicted to) all the emotional power they have been given. • The children have little resilience to life’s ordinary frustrations and disappointments, and they deal with them by having melt-downs. • Their children feel entitled to special consideration.

20. Pushovers (also very prevalent in our society) • Pushovers share some common mis-steps with Pleasers, but they are driven more from insecurities and a need to have their child love them or approve of their decisions. • Perhaps because of their own insecurities, they have a lot of anxieties about damaging their child’s self-esteem. • Pushovers are very uncomfortable if their direction provokes strong displays of negative emotion from their child, and thus they usually let the child have his way.

21. Pushovers, It’s Too Much about Themselves

22. The Strategies of a Pushover • Pushovers often refer to the power and authority of others to gain cooperation from their child. • “I’m going to tell your father when he gets home.” • “Your teacher wants you to be in bed by 8:00.” • Rather than using their authority as the parent to give clear directives, the Pushover will use fear or guilt to try to get compliance. • “You will get sick and have to get a shot if you don’t wash your hands.” • “You’ll make Mommy lose her job if you don’t hurry and get in the car.” • The Pushover will try to get cooperation from their child by expressing the own neediness. • “I really need you to help me by picking up your toys.” • “Mommy isn’t feeling well. Can you help me by taking a nap now instead of watching TV?” • Sends the message that a weak parent is pleading with a strong kid. • The Pushover asks permission from the child. • “Will you let Daddy read you a bedtime story tonight?” • Adds “OK?” to the end of a directive. (e.g., “Let’s pick up our toys, OK?”)

23. The Pushover

24. Children of Pushovers • Children of Pushover parents can be very melodramatic and sometimes are heard blaming and insulting their parents. • Pushover parents set the stage for tolerating a considerable amount of disruptive behavior. • Children of Pushover parents require a very high degree of energy and attention, which completely drains the parents. • These children quickly learn the keys to power, and get their way by manipulating their Pushover parents by the parents’ insecurities. • Children of Pushovers will tend use the tools that worked on their parents (guilt, pouting, drama, tantrums) to manipulate future relationships. Discipline your children, and they will give you peace;they will bring you the delights you desire. Proverbs 29:17

25. Children Know How to Manipulate the Pushover

26. Pushovers Need a Healthy View of Parenting • It is unhealthy for you to look to your child to meet your emotional needs. “You made daddy sad” creates at least two problems: • It puts too much pressure on your child to keep his parents happy • It tells your child that this is a key to his gaining power over his parents • A healthy attitude is to remember that you, the parent, are the provider of protection, strength, stability, and emotional nurturing that your child needs to progress normally in this stage of his development. You should not be looking to him to provide your emotional support and happiness. (Where should you be getting your source of strength, emotional support, and happiness?) I can do all this through him who gives me strength. Phil 4:13

27. Forcers • Whereas Pleasers and Pushovers are child-centered and reluctant to act as authorities, Forcers are firm in their commitment that parents need to be the boss and children need to obey. Compliance is their priority. • They may not understand how to harness parental power and authority in an effective, yet gentle and respectful, manner. • The forcer parent can be rigid and tends to use harsh, threatening motivations to force compliance. These methods produce compliance in the short run, but can be devastating to the child’s development. • Forcers are more concerned about their children’s behavior than about their feelings. Their focus is on compliance and performance. • They tend to lack important relational aspects of parenting, and tend to be unaware that their parenting style can be detrimental to their children’s development.

28. Strategies Used by Forcers • Forcers tend to be very critical of their children, and may verbally put down their children. • “You’ll never amount to anything.” • “You’re never going to go anywhere unless you straighten up and work.” • Forcers lack gentleness and empathy in their use of authority. They may use threats, warnings, and harsh punishments to enforce obedience. • “You obey me or I’ll do something that will make you wish you had.” • “Stop playing now or I’m going to throw that toy in the trash.” • Forcers do not develop a respectful, loving relationship with their children. • The Forcer praises his child only when he meets his parent’s expectations. • There is little interaction or relationship that does not relate to compliance. But in your hearts revere Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to givean answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect. 1 Peter 3:15

29. Forcers Tend to Employ Harsh or Inappropriate Actions

30. The Insidious Side of the Forcer • Usually a high-energy, outgoing person, who is easy to hate, but also easy to like. • Has high standards, and may be a very moral person. • For a time, the children may seem to be well behaved. • While denigrating their children at home, Forcers are their strongest defenders and protectors from outside attackers. They will not hesitate to challenge other children or adults if they perceive their children are being unfairly or unkindly treated.

31. Children of Forcers • The authoritarian approach of the Forcer is as ineffective in developing SRC as the lack of power and authority of the Pleaser or Pushover. The child of the Forcer typically reacts in one of two ways: • They may act out secretly in defiant disobedience to the Forcer. • They may go head-to-head in defiance to the Forcer. • Children of Forcers experience feelings shame, hurt, fear, and ultimately become angry and resentful. • Some become passive, unmotivated, and underachieving. • They may sooth themselves by turning to food or electronic media. • They may, themselves, become bullies to other children. • Because they have experienced so much criticism, they develop a defensiveness that makes it difficult for them to accept responsibility for their actions. They make excuses for what they do. • Such excuse-making does not endear them to others, especially teachers or supervisors. Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord. Ephesians 6:4

32. Kids Will Figure Out How to Work the System

33. Outliers • Good-hearted people who care for their children, but from an emotional distance • More comfortable with doing something that having a relationship • Attend primarily to the business and structure of family life • Active, involved parents in most ways • Action oriented, rather than looking for a deeper understanding of causes • Tend to be concerned about respecting people’s privacy and boundaries • Do not provide the emotional support that their children desire and need • Have not learned how to have a real relationship with their children

34. How Outlier Parents Operate • The Outlier is not tuned in to the child’s behavior even when that behavior clearly indicates that something is wrong. Children routinely rely on behavior to communicate their feelings. • Instead, the Outlier will assume such behavior is quirky or just a stage. • Outlier parents will keep their own troubles hidden from their children. • The Outlier is not free with “I love you,” or “I’m sorry,” or “I’m worried about you,” or “I’d really like to talk about it.” • The Outlier gives very little relational empathy to their hurting child. • The Outlier parent does not invite nor tolerate the expression of their children’s intense feelings. The purposes of a person’s heart are deep waters,    but one who has insight draws them out. Proverbs 20:5

35. Children of Outliers • Children of Outliers learn to keep emotions and feelings in, but when they reach a breaking point, the result is often tumultuous tantrums, crying, pouting, and/or flailing. • The child may be highly motivated to please his parent in his pursuit of an ever-elusive emotional connection that he craves. But this cooperation is focused on external actions and does not help him to mature in self-control, respect, and cooperation. • Children of Outliers learn to keep their troubles hidden. They tend to become outlier parents themselves. • Since they have not learned how to deal with their feelings, they turn to something external to regulate and repress their feelings: food, drugs, alcohol, work, or exercise.

36. The Outlier

37. The Outlier

38. Scenario #1 A mother is outside with her 4-year-old son. When she see’s him picking their neighbor’s flowers, she tells him to stop: “Don’t pick Mrs. Taylor’s flowers. She will be so angry with you.” She goes back to weeding, and her son ignores her direction. When she looks up she sees more picked flowers and says, “Oh! Mrs. Taylor will be so upset!” Her son dropped the flowers and ran to the backyard, pouting. The mother says, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you. Are you mad at Mommy? Look, I’ll let you pick some of my flowers, okay?” What style of parenting is this? What problems do you see with this approach? What would the effective parent do in this situation?

39. Scenario #2 Seven-year-old Betty’s younger brother, Billy, was 3½. They had a big back yard with lots of hiding places. Whenever Billy didn’t get his way, he would pout and hide in the back yard. Their mother always got Betty to go find Billy and bring him in for supper. No one ever talked about Billy’s pouting, except for some teasing: “Must be a stage Billy is going through.” What style of parenting is this? What problems do you see with this approach? What would the effective parent do in this situation?

40. Scenario #3 I am so sorry it’s raining so hard. You were really looking forward to playing on the new playground equipment. We’ll just have to play inside, okay? I know this is so disappointing! I would make it stop if I could. I tell you what: If you will stop crying, we can run through the McDonald’s drive-through and I’ll get you some French fries. What style of parenting is this? What problems do you see with this approach? What would the effective parent do in this situation?

41. Homework to Do Before Our 4thClass • Read at least through page 154. However, we also encourage you to read ahead to get a start on opposition and anxiety. • Be prepared to discuss these topics: • Be able to describe the five steps of the ladder and when you would use each one. • In what situations do you anticipate facing the most resistance from your child? How far up the ladder do you think you will need to go? • Discuss when you think that spanking might be a more appropriate method of discipline than one of the steps of the ladder. • Become familiar with Elizabeth Laing Thompson’s Facebook page https://www.facebook.com/tenderyears There you’ll find a peer whom you can relate to and who is learning and practicing a lot of parenting wisdom.