Revising the Essay

1. Revising the Essay

2. Revising Sentences • Do I use parallelism to balance my words and ideas? • Do I have a consistent point of view? • Do I use specific words? • Do I use active verbs? • Do I use words effectively by avoiding slang, clichés, pretentious language, and wordiness? • Do I vary my sentences?

3. Revising Sentences • Parallelism • Use a consistent point of view • Use specific words • Use active verbs • Use concise words • Vary your sentences

4. Nonparallel (Not Balanced) My job includes checking the inventory, initialing the orders, and to call the suppliers. Parallelism • When words in a pair or a series should have parallel structure:

5. Nonparallel (Not Balanced) My job includes checking the inventory, initialing the orders, and to call the suppliers. Parallel (Balanced) My job includes checking the inventory, initialing the orders, and calling the suppliers. Parallelism • When words in a pair or a series should have parallel structure:

6. Inconsistent verb tense: Jean punched down the risen yeast dough in the bowl. Then she dumps it onto the flowered worktable and kneaded it into a smooth, shiny ball. Consistent Point of View Consistency with Verbs

7. Inconsistent verb tense: Jean punched down the risen yeast dough in the bowl. Then she dumps it onto the flowered worktable and kneaded it into a smooth, shiny ball. Consistent verb tense: Jean punches down the risen yeast dough in the bowl. Then she dumps it onto the floured worktable and kneads it into a smooth, shiny ball. Consistent Point of View Consistency with Verbs

8. Inconsistent: One of the fringe benefits of my job is that you can use a company credit card for gasoline. Consistent Point of View Consistency with Pronouns

9. Inconsistent: One of the fringe benefits of my job is that you can use a company credit card for gasoline. Consistent: One of the fringe benefits of my job is that I can use a company credit card for gasoline. Consistent Point of View Consistency with Pronouns

10. A car went around the corner. Use Specific Words

11. A car went around the corner. Use Specific Words • A battered blue dodge careened around the corner.

12. A car went around the corner. Use Specific Words • A battered blue dodge careened around the corner. • Janet quickly ate the main course.

13. A car went around the corner. Use Specific Words • A battered blue dodge careened around the corner. • Janet quickly ate the main course. • Janet devoured the plate of ribs in two and a half minutes.

14. A car went around the corner. Use Specific Words • A battered blue dodge careened around the corner. • Janet quickly ate the main course. • Janet devoured the plate of ribs in two and a half minutes. • The president did things that caused problems.

15. A car went around the corner. Use Specific Words • A battered blue dodge careened around the corner. • Janet quickly ate the main course. • Janet devoured the plate of ribs in two and a half minutes. • The president did things that caused problems. • The president’s military spending increased the budget deficit

16. Use Specific Words (Continued) • It is called the suburbs now, but when black people lived there it was called the Bottom. One road, shaded by big trees, connected it to the valley. Many of the trees are gone now. Generous funds have been allotted to level the buildings on the road from Medallion up to the golf~course. They are going to knock down the pool hall, the beauty parlor, and the restaurant.

17. It is called the suburbs now, but when black people lived there it was called the bottom. One road, shaded by beeches, oaks, maples, and chestnuts, connected it to the valley. The beeches are gone now, and so are the pear trees where children sat and yelled down through the blossoms at passersby. Generous funds have been allotted to level the stripped and faded buildings that cluster the road from Medallion up to the golf course. They are going to raze the Time and a Half Pool Hall, where feet in long tan shoes once pointed down from chair rungs. A steel ball will knock to dust Irene's Palace of Cosmetology, where women used to lean their heads back on sink trays and doze while Irene lathered Nu Nile into their hair. Men in khaki work clothes will pry loose the slats of Reba's Grill, where the owner cooked in her hat because she couldn't remember the ingredients without it.

18. The fatal traffic accident was caused by a drunk driver. Use Active Verbs • A drunk driver caused the fatal traffic accident. • Many unhealthy foods are included in the typical American diet. • The typical American diet includes many unhealthy foods. • Antibiotics are used by doctors to treat many infections. • Doctors use antibiotics to treat many infections.

19. The family picnic was invaded by hundreds of biting ants. Use Active Verbs (Continued) • Hundreds of biting ants invaded the family picnic. • Final grades will be determined by the instructor on the basis of class performance. • The instructor will determine final grades on the basis of class performance.

20. Use Concise Words • Wordiness:Using more words than necessary to express a meaning—is often a sign of lazy or careless writing, and it’s boring to read! Boring!

21. Colloquial: Appropriate Words Formal: boss employer buddy friend deal agreement flop failure kid child snooze nap snoop spy, pry folks parents flunk fail

22. Appropriate Words (Continued) Colloquial: Formal: cop police officer dope narcotics guts courage guy man old man father, husband goof make a mistake broke out of money lousy very poor gyp swindle

23. From Vague to Specific Red Random House Dictionary 3rd Ed. red dictionary book Very Specific or Concrete Very Vague or Abstract Red Random House Dictionary 3rd Ed. with Coffee Stain red book Red Random House Dictionary thing

24. Adjective-type modifiers: Workers in a factory = factory workers Members of a class = class members Adverb-type modifiers: Written in an accurate manner = written accurately Drive in a careful way = drive carefully Avoid Prepositional Phrases

25. Avoid Wordiness • Because of the fact that the watch was inexpensive in price, he bought it.

26. Avoid Wordiness • Because of the fact that the watch was inexpensive in price, he bought it. • Because the watch was inexpensive, he bought it.

27. Avoid Wordiness • Because of the fact that the watch was inexpensive in price, he bought it. • Because the watch was inexpensive, he bought it. • In my opinion I think that the financial aid system at Ellensville Junior college is in need of reform.

28. Avoid Wordiness • Because of the fact that the watch was inexpensive in price, he bought it. • Because the watch was inexpensive, he bought it. • In my opinion I think that the financial aid system at Ellensville Junior college is in need of reform. • The financial aid system at Ellensville Junior College needs reform.

29. Avoid Wordiness • Because of the fact that the watch was inexpensive in price, he bought it. • Because the watch was inexpensive, he bought it. • In my opinion I think that the financial aid system at Ellensville Junior college is in need of reform. • The financial aid system at Ellensville Junior College needs reform. • On October 10, in the fall of 1987, we learned the true facts about the robbery.

30. Avoid Wordiness • Because of the fact that the watch was inexpensive in price, he bought it. • Because the watch was inexpensive, he bought it. • In my opinion I think that the financial aid system at Ellensville Junior college is in need of reform. • The financial aid system at Ellensville Junior College needs reform. • On October 10, in the fall of 1987, we learned the true facts about the robbery. • On October 10, 1987, we learned the facts about the robbery.

31. Avoid Triteness Trite: Something that is worn out by constant use; no longer having freshness, originality, or novelty. • Some people can relate to the hustle and bustle of city life.

32. Avoid Triteness Trite: Something that is worn out by constant use; no longer having freshness, originality, or novelty. • Some people can relate to the hustle and bustle of city life. • Some people thrive on the energy and motion of city life.

33. Avoid Triteness Trite: Something that is worn out by constant use; no longer having freshness, originality, or novelty. • Some people can relate to the hustle and bustle of city life. • Some people thrive on the energy and motion of city life. • This book is worth its weight in gold to the car owner.

34. Avoid Triteness Trite: Something that is worn out by constant use; no longer having freshness, originality, or novelty. • Some people can relate to the hustle and bustle of city life. • Some people thrive on the energy and motion of city life. • This book is worth its weight in gold to the car owner. • This book can save the car owner hundreds of dollars a year in repairs.

35. Vary your Sentences: Coordination Revise by Adding a Second Complete Thought • A clauseis a group of words that contains a subject and a verb. If a clause can stand alone as a complete idea, it is an independent clauseand can be written as a simple sentence. EXAMPLE: The dog barked all night. The neighbors didn't complain. USE COORDINATING CONJUNCTIONS—AND, BUT, FOR, NOR, OR SO, YET—TO JOIN TWO INDEPENDENT CLAUSES TOGETHER. EXAMPLE: The dog barked all night, but the neighbors didn’t complain.

36. Vary your Sentences: Subordination Revise by Adding a Dependent Thought • Two clauses can also be joined with a subordinating conjunction. The clause following a subordinating conjunction is called a subordinate or dependent clause because it depends on an independent clause to complete its meaning. EXAMPLE: We will light the candles when Flora arrives. SOME SUBORDINA TING CONJUNCTIONS: after because since when whenever although before unless whereas as as if if until while

37. Vary your Sentences: Special Openers Revise by Beginning with a Special Opening Word or Phrase • -ed Word Concerned about his son’s fever, Paul called a doctor. • -ing Word Humming softly, the woman browsed through the rack of dresses. • -ly word Hesitantly, Sue approached the instructor’s desk.

38. Vary your Sentences: Special Openers(Continued) • To word group To protect her hair, Eva uses the lowest setting on her blow dryer. • Prepositional Phrase During the exam, drops of water fell from the ceiling.

39. More Ways to Vary your Sentences • Through the use of semicolons: You can join two independent clauses by placing a semicolon between them. The semicolon takes the place of a conjunction: EXAMPLE: She hopes to receive good grades this semester; her scholarship depends on her maintaining a 3.5 index.

40. More Ways to Vary your Sentences (Continued) • Through the use of conjunctive adverbs: A conjunctive adverb placed after the semicolon can help clarify the relationship between two clauses: EXAMPLE: I like the sound of that stereo: however, the price is too high. Some Conjunctive Adverbs: consequently in fact nevertheless furthermore indeed then however moreover therefore

41. More Ways to Vary your Sentences (Continued) • By using complex sentences: A complex sentence contains two clauses: one independent and one dependent. The independent clause is joined by a dependent clause beginning with a subordinate conjunction or relative pronoun. EXAMPLES: When the curtain went up, Diane was alone on the stage. If you have any money, we can go out to dinner. My cat cries whenever I use the can opener.

42. More Ways to Vary your Sentences (Continued) • By using compound sentences: A sentence containing two independent clauses joined by a coordinate conjunction or a conjunctive adverb. EXAMPLES: Elaine brought a casserole, and Carl brought some popovers. My car is broken, so I rode to school with Paul. Delta is offering discounted flights, but Southwest is even cheaper.

43. Areas to Watch Out For • Watch using subordinators as introductory words of sentences. EXAMPLES: I always eat ice cream too fast. Which means I get a headache. I always eat ice cream too fast, which means I get a headache.