Countering Codependency: Building Healthy Relationships in College

1. Countering Codependency:Building Healthy Relationships in College Amy Beyea Heather Browning Creighton Dent Jana McCarthy

2. Learning Outcomes • After this workshop, you will be able to: • 1. Identify and recognize codependent behaviors • 2. Identify unhealthy relationship patterns • 3. Facilitate inter-group dialogues with peers to discuss codependent relationships • 4. Locate campus resources to seek information about codependency

3. Attachment Styles I want to be completely emotionally intimate with others, but i often find that others are reluctant to get close as i would like.  I am uncomfortable being without close relationships, but I sometimes worry that others don't value me as much as I value them. I am comfortable without close emotional relationships.  It is very important to me to feel independent and self-sufficient, and i prefer not to be dependent on others or have others depend on me. I am somewhat uncomfortable getting close to others.  I want emotionally close relationships, but i find it difficult to trust others completely, or to depend on them.  I sometimes worry that I will not be hurt if I allow myself to become too close to others. It is relatively easy for me to become emotionally close to others.  I am comfortable depending on others and having others depend on me.  I don't worry about being alone or having others not accept me.  (Bortholomew & Horowitz, 1991)

4. What is Codependency? "...An emotional and behavioral condition that affects an individual’s ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. It is also known as 'relationship addiction' because people with codependency often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive and/or abusive." (adapted from Mental Health America http://www.nmha.org/go/codependency)

9. College Transition • "Friend-sickness" • the concept of missing old friends - the need to make new friends in a new environment to help reduce feelings of loneliness and alienation (Swenson & Nordstrom, 2008 p. 553) • Positive relationship between social support and emotional well-being in college • Link between quality of peer relationships and adjustment to college • Seeking support through attachment • Secure attachments associated with better social adjustment

10. 85% Male college students considered “High Middle” 76% Female college students considered “High Middle” 50% College students familiar with the term Codependence. Cretser, G., & Lombardo, W. (1999). Examining Codependency In A College Population. College Student Journal, 33(4), 629. Retrieved from Academic Search Premier database.

11. Chickering’s 7 Vectors of Student Development

12. Chickering’s 7 Vectors of Student Development

13. Identifying the "Red Flags" of                      Codependent Behaviors

14. "I take on more than I can handle in most situations." “I am uncomfortable establishing boundaries in my personal relationships.” “It is difficult for me to make decisions on my own.” "I feel responsible for fixing and rescuing the students I'm leading." “I hate being alone.”                  I “I applied to be a student leader because I want people to like me.”                  I "I would do anything to hold onto a friendship, even if that meant sacrificing my own feelings." "Sometimes, I'm so concerned with other's emotions that I fail to consider my own feelings." “When my students tell me their problems, I internalize everything and can’t focus on anything else.”

15. Discussing Attachment Styles "It is relatively easy for me to become emotionally close to others. I am comfortable depending on others and having others depend on me. I don't worry about being alone or having others not accept me.“ Secure attachment • Securely attached people tend to agree with the following statements: • This style of attachment usually results from a history of warm and responsive interactions within relationships (friendships, mentoring, etc).   • Securely attached people tend to: • Have positive views of themselves.  • Report greater adjustments in their relationships than people with other attachment styles • Feel comfortable with and seek independence in their relationships. 

16. Discussing Attachment Styles "I am comfortable without close emotional relationships. It is very important to me to feel independent and self-sufficient, and I prefer not to depend on others or have others depend on me." Dismissive-avoidant attachment • People with this attachment style desire a high level of independence.  • The desire for independence often appears as an attempt to avoid attachment altogether.  • They view themselves as self-sufficient and invulnerable to feelings associated with being closely attached to others.  • They often deny needing close relationships and may see them as unimportant. • Tend to deal with rejection by distancing themselves from the sources of rejection (i.e., their relationship partners).

17. Discussing Attachment Styles "I want to be completely emotionally intimate with others, but I often find that others are reluctant to get as close as I would like. I am uncomfortable being without close relationships, but I sometimes worry that others don't value me as much as I value them." Anxious-preoccupied attachment • People with this style of attachment seek high levels of approval. • They sometimes value close relationships to such an extent that they become overly dependent and clingy. • Tend to have less positive views about themselves • May exhibit high levels of emotional expressiveness, worry, and impulsiveness in their relationships.

18. Discussing Attachment Styles "I am somewhat uncomfortable getting close to others. I want emotionally close relationships, but I find it difficult to trust others completely, or to depend on them. I sometimes worry that I will be hurt if I allow myself to become too close to others."  Fearful-avoidant attachment • People with this attachment style have mixed feelings about close relationships • They may not trust the intentions of their peers, friends, or supervisors. • They may suppress and hide their feelings.

19. Establishing & Honoring Boundaries • In all relationships, you have the right to define your own limits and boundaries so you feel comfortable and safe.  • As a student leader, you can set limits or boundaries around things like: • the amount of time spent with someone and the places you get together • the kind, and frequency, of shared activities • phone call time limits—time of day, frequency, and length • connection with family • topics of conversation (http://mentalhealth.samhsa.gov/publications/allpubs/sma-3716/establishing.asp )

20. Tips for Creating Boundaries • 1. Journal. Record the Feelings of your Life. • 2. Speak Your Mind in an Assertive Way. • 3. Learn to say “NO” • 4. Limit your Time to Serve Others • 5. Avoid Negative People • 6. Exercise Open Communication • 7. Create Space • 8. Be Kind to Yourself • 9. Don’t Feel Guilty • 10. Be the Person You Want to Be

21. Interactive Activity

22. Raising Awareness on Campus First: • Educate yourself about characteristics and consequences of codependency • Establish healthy boundaries in your own life • Collaborate with supervisors and professionals to ensure appropriate programming • Red Flag Campaign: Week long program • Passive Programming • Flags around campus signify red flags of unhealthy relationships • Posters hung above flags identify characteristics of codependency • Panel Discussions and Brown Bag Lunch • Engage students in discussions with professionals about healthy relationships • Panel can be from counseling center, faculty, community organizations, etc. • This should be a safe and open forum for anyone on campus to attend • Provide lunch to create a comfortable environment and to draw interest

23. Raising Awareness on Campus Establish Peer Educator program • Collaborate with staff and Counseling Center to ensure a quality program • Peer educators work with staff to bring educational programming to campus • Topics could include safe relationships, health and wellness, healthy body image • For example, see: http://www.udel.edu/wellspring/pow/ Use Codependency Quiz in programming  • Use to encourage students' self-awareness • Attendees will take quiz for their own knowledge - will not share with others • Talk with supervisors and Counseling Center to generate appropriate and sensitive questions • See questions on handout for example

24. References • Bartholomew, K., Horowitz, L. (1991). Attachment styles among young adults: A test of a four-category model. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 61(2), p. 226-244. • Bradley-Bates, P. (n.d.). Am I a codependent? Retrieved from http://www.patriciabradley-bates.com/co.htm. • Dawn Cove Abby: New Beginning Online. (n.d.). Do you keep quiet to avoid arguments? Retrieved from http://www.dawncoveabbey.org/healing-dysfunction/codependent.html. • Mental Health America. Factsheet: Codependency. Retrieved from http://www.nmha.org/go/codependency. • National Mental Health Information Center: Center for Mental Health Services. Making and keeping friends: A self-help guide. Retrieved from http://mentalhealth.samhsa.gov/publications/allpubs/sma-3716/establishing.asp. • Reinhart, S. (2010, February 22). Women’s Resource Center empowers, educates, and celebrates women. The Clause. Retrieved from http://www.apu.edu/studentlifeoffice/articles/15157/. • Thombs, D. (2006). Introduction to addictive behaviors (3rd ed.). New York: The Guilford Press, pp. 207-210. • University of Delaware: Wellspring Student Wellness Program. (n.d.). Retrieved from http://www.udel.edu/wellspring/pow/ • Wells, M., Hill, M., et al. (2006). Codependency's Relationship to defining characteristics in college students. Journal of College Student Psychotherapy, 20(4), p. 71-84.