Sex and Healthy Relationships

1. Sex and Healthy Relationships Wednesday, October 10, 2012 Trotter Lecture Hall

2. What Do We Believe • Experimentation with some physical relationships is a healthy and normal part of a teen’s adolescence. • We define “sex” as intercourse or oral sex. • We believe that high school students should not engage in sex – especially in their earlier high school years – both from a moral and an emotional immaturity standpoint. • Not everyone is “doing it” and we believe it is necessary to explain your beliefs to your sons and daughters. • Open communication and clear sharing of moral values is the only way to encourage healthy relationships amongst our teens. • What does scripture say?

3. Exercise Take a moment to write down what you believe your high school student should and shouldn’t be doing sexually.

4. Kids Today… • Know more about sex than we think they do • Know about sex earlier than we think they do • Get their information about sex from their friends, friend’s older siblings, and media (Internet, TV, movies) • Are dealing with more public relationships and breakups than generations past • Do not operate under the same gender roles; females are often initiating sexual activity. • As parents, you must be the counter-weight to what society is showing and telling your kids. • Research shows that they want their information from YOU!

5. Facts and Stats • 10% of sixth graders have had sex • 50% of all teenagers have had sex by the time they enter the 10th grade • 70-90% of teens have had sex by 12th grade • One in every five teenage girls will become pregnant during high school • Half of all teenagers don't believe oral sex is sex

6. What are they doing? • “Hooking up” • Friends with benefits • Oral sex • Intercourse • What they aren’t doing: dating, participating in monogamous committed relationships

7. Oral Sex • Kids tend to not think this is sex • Almost exclusively girls performing on boys, almost never vice-versa • STIs can be transmitted through oral sex, not as safe as kids think it is • Why are they doing this?

8. Physiologically • Dopamine • Males and females experience a 150% increase in dopamine during sex • This is the same neurotransmitter involved with drug addiction • Oxytocin • Released in females during breastfeeding and childbirth, causes mother to attach to child • Also released during sex, causing a biological attachment to sexual partner

9. The link between sex and alcohol • Many adolescents report using alcohol or drugs before sexual intercourse. • When under the influence of alcohol, the frontal lobe is not functioning at it’s highest level. Executive functioning skills like judgment and decision making go out the window.

10. Sex and The Internet • “Pornspeak” • Learned communication skills from Internet porn • Distorted ideas about sex • Desensitization to actual physical contact

11. What’s the difference? Boys Girls • Suffer in silence • Need strong meaningful relationships • Can easily and often have their heart broken • Are encouraged to be mean through technology • Can be intimidated by girls who are competent • Fear public humiliation • Share about their problems but are labeled as drama queens when they do • Are socialized to not have strong convictions • Change their behaviors to be accepted by males • Confront others with a group to feel supported, but it is received as being ganged up on • Anticipate being blown off for being uptight

12. Societal ExpectationsGirls World vs. Boy World Femininity Masculinity • The quality of nature of the female sex • You have a great body, guys like you, you’re not a prude but not a slut, you’re in control, you’re not uptight, and you’re smart enough to get people to do what you want—preferably without them noticing. • The qualities or appearance traditionally associated with a man; for example, strength and aggressiveness • Nothing is ever serious. You don’t make an obvious effort for anything, especially not for the right style or a great body, you laugh off emotional and physical pain, the right girls like you and you like all attention girls give you, you’re competitive about everything, and you can discuss professional sports with authority.

13. The Dos and Don’ts DO! DON’T! • Openly communicate your beliefs, values and expectations: respect • Start early! • Establish standards of acceptable sexual behavior • Talk to them about love and sex • Spend time with your kids! • Help your child be confident in who they are and the choices they make. • Listen • Make assumptions • Lecture, interrupt or give advice • Think they already know it all • Think they are learning it in school or from their friends • Let them date anyone 3 years older • Subscribe to the saying, “Boys will be boys.” • Assume girls are always victims

14. Moms • Mom’s tend to have the “sex talk” or dating conversation with their sons and daughters • Model appropriate behaviors such as self-respect and assertiveness • Set clear expectations for how women should be treated by men • Offer your son the female perspective • Have the conversation with your kids regardless of their gender

15. Dads!!! • Tell your children what confused you about girls and how you figured things out. • Invite your children to ask questions about what a boy or girl might be thinking. • Tell your children how you believe women should be treated by men and model that behavior.

16. Boundaries, Boundaries, Boundaries • Your role as a parent is to communicate your values and ethics on the subject, help your child clarify his or her own, and teach him or her how to communicate his or her boundaries to others and act on those principles.

17. Discuss with your kids: • How well do you have to know someone before you do something sexual with them? • How do you define knowing someone well? • What do you feel comfortable doing with someone sexually? • What do you not want to do? • How can you communicate that to the person you are with? • What would make it more difficult for you to say what you want and don’t want?

18. Relationship Bill of Rights • What does he/she want and need in a relationship? • What are his/her rights in a relationship? • What are his/her responsibilities in a relationship? • What would a friend have to do or be like for him/her to end the relationship? • Under what circumstances would he/she go to an adult for help with a problem with a relationship? • What are his/her friends’rights and responsibilities in the relationship?

19. Teen Safety Plan • I will not go out alone, especially at night. • I will keep my cell phone with me and program it with emergency numbers. • I will use a code word or phrase to use with friends and family to alert each other if I am in danger and need help. • I will keep in touch with someone I trust about where I am or what I am doing. • I will be aware of how to leave safely in case of emergency. • I will leave if I feel uncomfortable, no matter what my friends are doing. • I will ask my friends to keep their cell phones with them in case we get separated. • I will spend time with people who make me feel safe, supported, and good about myself. • I will call 911 if I feel my safety is at risk.

20. SO…What decreases the likelihood my kid will have sex? • Clear moral and spiritual guidance and foundation • Being sober • Connectedness with family • Boundaries – setting and understanding them • Involvement in worship, small groups, church activities • Involvement in school activities

21. References • UT Health Science Center • http://www.utteenhealth.org/parents_tips.asp • Queen Bees and Wannabes • Rosalind Wiseman • SexEd • A sexual health primer for teens and young adults • Dr. Phil • http://drphil.com/articles/category/4/17/

22. We can help! • Adam Greene, Dean of Spiritual Life: (713) 512-3409, agreene@ehshouston.org • Jill Ahrens, Choices Counselor: (713) 512-3481, jahrens@ehshouston.org • Lauren Weiner, Choices Intern: lweiner@ehshouston.org • Beth Fowler, School Psychologist:(713) 512-3404, bfowler@ehshouston.org