TODAY- Part II of Differences &Behaviors, Joint Agreements and Boundaries

2. TODAY- Part II of Differences &Behaviors, Joint Agreements and Boundaries May 10th- “Six Characteristics of Spirituality without Jesus --a lesson from Colossians 2” HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY May 17th- “The Lord gives so much. What does He wants from us in our lives and marriages.” 1045 in Chapel + Cardboard Testimonies, + Picnic on the grounds

3. New Couples • Mentoring • Summer get-togethers, J-J-A • August 16th Immersion Baptism • Class fund • New Small Groups Team Leader Couple -Shawn and Kristen Hallinan -A big Thank You To Joey and Ashley • Prayer

4. What is a major common theme running through these 4 areas? Roles and Responsibilities Joint Agreements and Boundaries Communication & Behaviors Conflict Differences

5. The need for JAs and Boundaries are rooted in Unity from Phil 2 There are some threats to unity, that cause us to slip into conflict and worse : • Basic personality differences • Annoying habits • Behaviors that drain our love for each other

6. Turn to your mate 1.One minute each: I’m so glad we agree (agreed) on_______, _____, and ______. 2. One minute each: I (still) wish we had an agreement on _____, _____, and __________.

7. Joint Agreements--what’s that about? • A meeting of the minds • …..on various issues that arise that cause conflict and reduce unity, peace, progress and growth, safety, and purpose in marriage. • Scale from informal joint agreements like which side of the garage he/she parks • All the way up to behavior around the opposite sex to reduce the chance of an affair; how we approach our children (ours, yours, mine) with unity; our shared financial condition and future; our goals and objectives • Holiday celebrations and traditions with family • Your gifts to others, each other and the work of the ministry • Amount of time together and alone • The bathroom door • All the way down to gross habits around your mate! • There can be too few (chaos, conflict and withdrawal) • There can be too many (un-spontaneous, rigorous behavior that bores us and gets really old, really fast) • Accountability is key, without policing, with trust and well-defined boundaries, with grace and freedom, and response • Are established ahead of time and in the heat of the moment

8. The need for Joint Agreements • Basic differences • Annoying habits • Behaviors that drain our love for each other

9. The Differences--You can either study, know, capitalize and celebrate, OR Major on the differences, or Not accept your spouse for whom they are, or Not accept them as God’s specific prescription written for you, or Not adhere to the Spiritual exhortation to “agape” love them unconditionally, or Pick and nag about every perceived fault, or Be so performance driven that you drown in unfulfilled expectations, resentment and bitterness, or, Not pay close attention to the “One-anothers”

10. Our marriage is like a bank account---we can give into it, and take out of it as givers and takers The 100% GiverDo whatever it takes to make the other person happy and avoid doing anything that will make them unhappy, even if it makes you unhappy.Build-up/encourage/look out for best interests of the other/not filled with self

11. The 100% TakerDo whatever you can to make yourself happy and avoid anything that makes you unhappy, even if it makes the others unhappy.Selfish, own best interest, own pleasure, purpose

12. Bank Account Balances(The 3 States of Mind in Marriage) +$The Intimate BalanceGiver’s Circle ____________________________________ The Conflict BalanceTaker’s Circle ____________________________________The Withdrawn Balance Nothing to give, no energy to take

13. Giver or Taker? 1. Which are you in your marriage….mostly the giver or mostly the taker?2. Which is your spouse in your marriage…mostly the giver or mostly the taker?3. What happens in your relationship when it gets out of balance?4. Share this now with your spouse

14. The need for Joint Agreements • Basic differences • Annoying habits • Behaviors that drain our love for each other

15. What are Annoying Habits? • Repeated behaviors by a spouse, usually innocent, usually not intended • Foul language and tone of voice; loud and incessant talking • Picking teeth with fingers; polishing/clipping fingernails • Leaving clothes laying around---ignore domestic responsibilities • Never putting toothpaste, shavers, etc., away • Chewing ice and spitting it back into the glass • Leaving the bathroom door open • Licking the knife at the table; and, other poor table manners • Stuffing chips into your mouth before swallowing the last 15. • Eating like you are starved…spread-out on the table…like a dog. • Having to be told like a child to ……….. • Wearing the same clothes all week after work…..or for a whole season • Slouching around

16. Privately, as a couple, at your table • Each share 1 annoying habit the other person has. 30 seconds each, no arguments

17. What do you do when you are confronted with your annoying, irritating habits? • Realize that your annoying habits are small withdrawals by your taker-side that accumulate over time and slip your spouse into conflict. • Elevate the priority of eliminating them. • Avoid overly pointing-out annoying habits and criticism so frequently…..show your good faith in your spouse’s efforts if there is a JA. • Each take a step toward the other: eliminate your own annoying habits, while accepting both your mate and your mate’s efforts to do the same. Joint Agreement = We will clip our nails and pick our teeth and our nose in private, and close the bathroom door when we’re doing our business….with the exhaust fan on….. and don’t use that sweet smelling spray stuff!!!!!! Joint Agreement = We will eat dinner with the TV off, sitting at the table, talking to each other, with no mags/newspapers/laptops…unless 24 is on TV, and we’ll use lap trays in the family room in front of the TV….and agree to not answer the phone when “24” is on.

18. The need for Joint Agreements • Basic differences • Annoying habits • Behaviors that drain our love for each other

19. Bank Account Balances(The 3 States of Mind in Marriage) +$The Intimate BalanceGiver’s Circle ____________________________________ The Conflict BalanceTaker’s Circle ____________________________________The Withdrawn Balance Nothing to give, no energy to take

20. Behaviors that drain our love for each other from Willard Hartley’s “Love Busters” • Selfish Demands • Disrespectful Judgments Last week • Anger • Dishonesty and Manipulation Today • Independent Behavior

21. How about you and Selfish Demands? • Commanding your spouse to do something that would benefit you at your spouse’s expense, with the implied threat of punishment if they refuse. • Your Taker side is in charge(do whatever makes you happy, even if it makes your spouse unhappy) • What was your last selfish demand?

22. Make Thoughtful Requests the norm, not Selfish Demands…and put a little forethought, maturity and grace into your relationship--JA • “It would really mean a lot to me if you would…..” • “What would you think if I…….? • “Let’s sit down and get a strategy and agreement on this” • “I need to talk and you need to listen for a moment and just let me get this out” • Be ready to withdraw the request in it’s current form (and restate with more of what it would mean to you) if met with resistance. • Adopt a zero tolerance to selfish demands. • The Policy of Joint Agreement-never do anything of consequence together without the enthusiastic agreement of both spouses in the decision.

23. How about you and Disrespectful Judgments Attempts to “straighten-out” your spouse’s attitudes, beliefs, and behavior by trying to impose your rigid way of thinking through lecture, ridicule, threats, or other tasteless means. Generally comes from our taker’s unchecked, selfish control side.

24. How about you and Disrespectful Judgments? • Does your spouse try to straighten you out? • Does your spouse lecture you instead of respectfully discussing issues? • Does your spouse seem to feel that his or her opinion is superior to yours? • When you and your spouse discuss an issue, does he or she interrupt you or talk so much it prevents you from having a chance to explain your position? • Are you afraid to discuss your point of view with your spouse? • Does your spouse ridicule your point of view? JA= We will have no disrespectful judgments, and have full freedom to express our view without criticism, and we will call each other out when one of us violates this.”

25. Anger • Old Testament Hebrew =flaring nostrils • New Testament Greek =passionate outbursts, or, solidified or lingering frame of mind. • All stem from our defense mechanisms-natural to animals and natural to our TAKER side • Deliberate attempts to hurt your spouse because of your indulgence in selfish, child-like temper tantrums at their expense-verbal and physical.

26. Our Arsenal of Angry/Aggressive Weapons • Ridicule • Sarcasm • Over Control of even minor situations • Contention on even minor issues • Loud, sharp monolog/dialog • The “poor me” martyr, or, overly pessimistic attitude; • Flash behavior, unpredictable • Shoving, Hitting • Throwing things—dishes, books, lamps…… • Slapping • Violent, rough, sometimes non-cooperative sex • Knifes, guns………

27. Obvious causes, and underlying causes • Tired, rushed, harried, too many things on your mind • Workload- low capacity for lots of tasks at once • Depressed; substance abuse • Hungry; low blood sugar • Perfectionist • Suspiciousness- we misinterpret the motives of others • Too high expectations of others • Ignored, unappreciated, taken advantage of……. • Single event- fired, passed-over, no raise • Unemployed, loss of hope • Insignificant feelings; insecure feelings • Wounded deeply in the past; low self esteem • Unresolved conflict – from the past and present • Me against everyone else- no one really understands • Lack of Joint Agreements on important issues, like anger

28. How Do We Deal With Anger? 1. Admit our anger honestly and accept full responsibility for it! Be a real woman/man and own your behavior. 2. Deeply examine its cause….both long term and short term, event driven anger. Add a step to your explosive habit of thinking- ask: “Why am I feeling this way?” 3. Forgive your God-given spouse for their inability to meet your high expectations. 4. Express your needs and wishes openly- and, listen carefully to your spouses needs and wishes…resolve expectation fixation. 5. Decide, and commit to each other, to control your angry outbursts….you do not have the luxury to go off on each other. JA= “When we anger one another, we will not burst-out, and we will decide to control ourselves like adults, not 2 year-olds. We will not explode, and we will explain our case and find out the cause. We will cool off before we discuss it, and we will never discuss any issue after 9 PM. And, I will always ask---what’s really bothering you?”

29. Dishonesty and Manipulation • Why are we dishonest with others? ……..and, especially our spouse? • What are the various types of liars? • Story-teller liars • Protector Liars • Trying-to-look-good Liars • Avoid Trouble Liars • Trying to get the situation at hand more favorable to your selfish wants • Habitual Liars • Born Liars • But, what kind of HONESTY are we talking about here???

30. Just how Honest do we want to be, anyway? • Emotional Honesty- reveal your emotional baggage and reactions, both positive and negative, to the events in your life, and to your spouse’s behavior. To know and be known. • Historical Honesty-reveal information about your personal history, events that demonstrated personal weakness or failure, as well as successes. • Current Honesty-reveal info about the events of your day….provide a calendar of activities, with special emphasis on those that might affect your spouse. • Future Honesty-reveal your thoughts, dreams, ambitions, purpose, objectives • JA = We will speak the truth in love at the right time, and grow together as the truth is known about each other. I’ll tell you everything you are interested in, and some things you’re not---in a straightforward, non-manipulative way, accepting and honoring you. We will strive every day to know and be known.

31. Independent Behavior • Independent Behavior is conduct of one spouse that ignores the feelings and interest of the other spouse…..inadvertently or on purpose. • Examples = schedule, work commitments, travel • JA example= We never ask others over or commit to an event w/o consulting the other’s schedule, whether it is a single or a couple event. • JA example= We will always tell the other when we need to be alone and re-charge, and we will be mature about agreeing. • JA example=We never greet each other or part without an acknowledgement. • We don’t talk on the phone around the TV.

32. Interdependent Behavior • Limit your events or activities to those that benefit both of you simultaneously. You are both happy and neither of your suffers when you behave interdependently, making decisions with each other's interests and feelings in mind, coupled with healthy balance. • You can be alone and act independently and still be interdependent. • JA= You go alone with your friends to the Gettysburg Bluegrass Festival, and you go to some plays with me. • JA= We very rarely do anything that the other strongly opposes. • JA= We usually go along with the one who feels very strongly about the matter, without lots of contention. • JA= We are together financially, have a budget, and have a $____ limit on individual spending w/o consultation. • JA= We agree on money we give to ministry. • JA= We agree on how to have unity dealing with everyone else--children, family, friends.

33. Have any Boundaries in Your Marriage? Well, what do you mean, Boundaries?

34. Things you hear about Boundaries • Define property and ownership • Legal Nation-State lines of demarcation • “I like to ski out of bounds.” • “I don’t want to be bounded by anything or anyone.” • “We are a nation/world of laws.” (Driving, IRS, ethics, credit score, grades, gravity) • “The weight limit for this bridge is 10 tons!” • “I feel hemmed-in by all these office rules.” • “Inflate tire to 36 pounds PSI”

35. Things you hear about boundaries • “Our boundaries change as we get older and mature, and as trust increases.” • “My wife pressures me every time we balance the check book - I dread it!” • “She moves and thinks so fast I can’t keep up with her.” • “He deals with change so readily---I can’t easily process that much change.” • “My mate is so anxious and jealous, he/she invades my privacy and tracks me down---that just crosses the line!” • “I wish my parents would just mind their own business---do they think we are dumb---we can make our own way!!!” • “He gets as close to out-of-bounds with God as he can.”

36. Things you hear about boundaries • Boundary Layer Conditions • Area of feasibility • Out of bounds behavior -- “Time out” • Having boundaries can give us security: e.g., life/work; travel; social; sexual; hobbies; friends • Our definition and acceptance of boundaries somewhat defines us, and perhaps defines the character of our marriage • Boundaries are a fluid mixture of Freedom and Responsibility • The concept of Max Q = maximum dynamic pressure on a fast moving object

37. Max Q = Max dynamic pressure Q = 1/2( Pressure at the boundary layer x Velocity squared) “Go at throttle-up”

38. What’s Up With Boundaries in Marriage? • Boundaries strengthen and better define JAs, and accommodate your spouse’s personality and tolerance. • Your JA may be that travel is ok apart, but not more than X days at a time. Max might be X+1 days, but not often--and, expect trouble when you get home! • Company travel is ok, but not alone with the opposite sex--and if you must, I’ll go with you, and if I can’t, find someone else to accompany you. • Our JA is to honor our parents and see them regularly, but no more than once a week.

39. Examples of JAs in Marriage where a discussion of boundaries might help • A coordinated schedule • Worship, Spiritual condition and intimacy • Domestic support • Sexual conduct, intensity and frequency • Conflict intensity and process-- do we solve it, sweep it, or fight to the bitter end and never give up on it? • Parental influence and intrusion • Financial- debt load, common resources, budget • Language • Children--ours, yours, theirs---how are we going to integrate and behave with all the children • Behavior in front of others • Alcohol, drugs, music, magazines, movies, TV, internet • Recreation and hobbies--together/alone/expense • Time to ourselves and time with friends

40. Getting it out on the Table • What are some examples of the boundaries in your marriage? • Do you know the “boundary layer conditions” of your marriage, and what behavior is inside/outside the “area of feasibility”? • What is one boundary you need to establish or strengthen inside a joint agreement? • And, do you know each other’s Max Q?