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The Map

T. H. E. C. O. M. M. U. N. I. C. A. T. I. O. N. M. A. P. The Map. The Criteria. Immediate impact Learn it USE it Effective Independent. Functioning First. History Avoidance Resentment. Give People Structure. Challenges: Issues Problems Feelings Reasons

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The Map

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  1. T H E C O M M U N I C A T I O N M A P

  2. The Map

  3. The Criteria Immediate impact Learn it USE it Effective Independent

  4. Functioning First History Avoidance Resentment

  5. Give People Structure Challenges: Issues Problems Feelings Reasons Motivations History       Opportunity? Enhancing

  6. Universal Qualities Easy to Learn Easy to Use Universal Application

  7. The Map

  8. Before You Start Challenges: The Issue? When? Where?

  9. Rules of the Road Issues = Unmet needs ALL issues are valid Needer ‘Owns’ the Issue

  10. Needs and Issues No Issue is Universal Some are unshared Don’t indict “Came home late without calling” Ownership = Empowerment Get past “Right” and “Wrong” Give Sender Ownership For the Sender: For the Receiver:

  11. Focus and Dialogue One issue at a time Take turns Speak with moderation Listen with curiosity Win‑Win, not War-War Structure is EVERYTHING Nurture the ‘space between’

  12. Receiver Qualities Attitude Curiosity Empathy Compassion Coach

  13. The Background Home from work two hours late Didn’t call beforehand Dinner Spoiled Waiting partner upset and been worried

  14. Round One "Where have you BEEN?” ”You ALWAYS call. Why didn't you call THIS time?” “You are late, and you didn't call, and I'm REALLY upset.” ”You know what? You are just a jerk, and you're inconsiderate, and I can't believe you didn't call me”. ”DINNER'S COLD - AND IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT." “I've been so WORRIED”

  15. The Wall Judgement Interpretation Defensiveness Reactive emotion.

  16. Primary Emotions Mad Sad Glad Fear Shame

  17. Disconnected "Oh, OK. I'm in judgment right now” “Right now, I'm wrapped up in my interpretation of why you're doing this” “Right now, I'm feeling defensive” "I'm in a reactive emotion right now"

  18. The Sender Experience Is it clear? Discomfort Thoughts Judgements Back up Identify Communicate

  19. Talkers and Thinkers If you understand which you are If you know which your partneris You will know what their needs are Opposites attract but challenge

  20. Help me Understand Talker needs to talk about it Receiver needs to listen Don’t Pre-judge Find the REAL issue Sender Experience Issue (It’s all about YOU) 1 Hit Wall (Or Not) 2 3 Identify Issues (Talkers v Thinkers) 4 Communicate Issues (Get/Give Validation/Confirmation) Make request (Let go of How/Outcome) 5 Negotiate 6 Request 7 8 Follow through

  21. Beat the stereotype Don’t assume you KNOW the ‘Issue’ ‘Facts’ vs. ‘Issue’ Build dialogue Seek confirmation Sender Experience Issue (It’s all about YOU) 1 Hit Wall (Or Not) 2 3 Identify Issues (Talkers v Thinkers) 4 Communicate Issues (Get/Give Validation/Confirmation) Make request (Let go of How/Outcome) 5 Negotiate 6 Request 7 8 Follow through

  22. Step 4 Late and no call Is my lateness the issue? No, worried and anxious when you didn’t call No, cooked a great meal and it’s spoilt. Is the Call the issue? Sender HAS to communicate Receiver HAS to facilitate

  23. Make a request Clarity is the first hurdle Validating is the second Mirror or ask Sender Request Issues Unmet Needs Relationship Drivers Sender Experience Issue (It’s all about YOU) 1 Hit Wall (Or Not) 2 3 Identify Issues (Talkers v Thinkers) 4 Communicate Issues (Get/Give Validation/Confirmation) Make request (Let go of How/Outcome) 5 Negotiate 6 Request 7 8 Follow through

  24. Ugly Alternatives Complaining Demanding Threatening Coercing Criticizing Entitlement Mind Reading Requesting

  25. Step 5 What can I do? Non-Prescriptive The result counts The two routes Sender Experience Issue (It’s all about YOU) 1 Hit Wall (Or Not) 2 3 Identify Issues (Talkers v Thinkers) 4 Communicate Issues (Get/Give Validation/Confirmation) Make request (Let go of How/Outcome) 5 Negotiate 6 Request 7 8 Follow through

  26. Negotiation Negotiation isn’t compromise Demand Win/Win Find Third Option If it doesn’t work for both of you it won’t stick Sender Experience Issue (It’s all about YOU) 1 Hit Wall (Or Not) 2 3 Identify Issues (Talkers v Thinkers) 4 Communicate Issues (Get/Give Validation/Confirmation) Make request (Let go of How/Outcome) 5 Negotiate 6 Request 7 "You don't know WHAT you don't know" 8 Follow through

  27. Outside the Box Plan Network Patience Stay Open Minded Sender Sorry. Be late Experience Issue (It’s all about YOU) 1 How long? Hit Wall (Or Not) 2 Couple hours. 3 Identify Issues (Talkers v Thinkers) 4 Communicate Isues (Get/Give Validation/Confirmation) Viability Compassion and Mirror Make request (Let go of How/Outcome) 5 Negotiate 6 Request 7 8 Follow through

  28. Be Positive Never Say “No” Counter-propose Pact Positive Trusting Safe Listening Sender Experience Issue (It’s all about YOU) 1 Hit Wall (Or Not) 2 3 Identify Issues (Talkers v Thinkers) 4 Communicate Issues (Get/Give Validation/Confirmation) Make request (Let go of How/Outcome) 5 Negotiate 6 Request 7 8 Follow through

  29. Final Steps Negotiated Solved Follow-through Commitment Promise Intentions Actions Bad agreements break Sender Experience Issue (It’s all about YOU) 1 Hit Wall (Or Not) 2 3 Identify Issues (Talkers v Thinkers) 4 Communicate Issues (Get/Give Validation/Confirmation) Make request (Let go of How/Outcome) 5 Negotiate 6 Request 7 8 Follow through

  30. Mutuality You won’t know until you give it a go! One you CAN keep One you WANT to keep Go round again Forgiveness Patience Learn Sender Experience Issue (It’s all about YOU) 1 Hit Wall (Or Not) 2 3 Identify Issues (Talkers v Thinkers) 4 Communicate Issues (Get/Give Validation/Confirmation) Make request (Let go of How/Outcome) 5 Negotiate 6 Request 7 8 Follow through

  31. Practice Perfection doesn’t exist Not a panacea Structure Clarity

  32. Practice Issue = Sender Identify Communicate Request Receiver = Support Keep it handy! Don’t recycle failure

  33. Top Five Communication Tips No. 1 - “Is there More?” Don’t ‘pingpong’ Keep Listening Invite Dialogue Spoken Magic

  34. Top Five Communication Tips No 2: “It’s NOT about You! Their issue is THEIR issue Personal = Defensive Defensive = Negativity

  35. Top Five Communication Tips No. 3: “It’s ALL about You! The 90/10 Formula Need to clear and separate: Facts Judgments Feelings

  36. Top Five Communication Tips Facts: You were two hours late You didn’t call Dinner is spoiled Judgements: “You're wrong” “You're bad” “You're inconsiderate” “You're a jerk” “You shouldn't do that” Emotions: Anger Anxiety Fear Abandonment

  37. Top Five Communication Tips No. 4: Turn complaints into requests. Many needs Impossible to meet all Request respectfully Create the “Win/Win” Avoid the Uglies

  38. Top Five Communication Tips No. 5: Tell YOUR Truth Thoughts Feelings Needs Wants “In to me I see” Respect and love us for who we are No truth = No connection

  39. Top Five Communication Tips No. 5: Tell YOUR Truth Conflict Pain Arguments Fear Use the Map Structure Practice Simple – Effective - Practical

  40. Create Your Future Together We need to survive before we can thrive. Build on this. Thank you for listening.

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