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The Top 10 Rules for Civil Behavior

The Top 10 Rules for Civil Behavior. Presented by Tim Tucker. Theory Introduce Dr. Forni Paradigm shift Call to Action. Application Defined Notions exercise Principles Assertion exercise Rules Discussion. Agenda. P. M. Forni, Ph.D.

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The Top 10 Rules for Civil Behavior

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  1. The Top 10 Rules for Civil Behavior • Presented by Tim Tucker

  2. Theory Introduce Dr. Forni Paradigm shift Call to Action Application Defined Notions exercise Principles Assertion exercise Rules Discussion Agenda

  3. P. M. Forni, Ph.D. • Teaches Italian literature at Johns Hopkins University • Studied at the University of Venice, the University of Pavia (’74) and UCLA (’81)

  4. Credits • P.M. Forni, Choosing Civility, The Twenty-five Rules of Considerate Conduct, New York, St. Martin’s, 2002 • Robert Bolton, People Skills, New York, Simon & Schuster, 1980

  5. Paradigm Shift

  6. How Can We Be Better People? Tim’s self-help formula • Some deficit seems obvious • Usually involves discomfort • Works against our preferences • Ends (goals) justify the means • It’s hard to be successful • There is always guilt and it’s easy to quit

  7. Civility As A Paradigm Shift • Easily overlooked • Awareness as distinguished from effort • Kindness is natural • Like unlearning some of the “isms” • Changed my behavior cognitively, dedication more important than work • I don’t think I can go back

  8. Call to Action

  9. Why Is Civility Important • I think we are all experts in civility • I think incivility seems inevitable • I think we can repossess civility • I think we need to • For ourselves • For our students • I am making a call to action

  10. The Baltimore Workplace Civility Study • Random sample of 400 Baltimore area workers with 130 (32.5%) responding • 67% felt society had become less civil in the past year • 25% felt the workplace was less civil than a year ago • 83% said it was “very important” to work in a civil environment

  11. The Baltimore Workplace Civility Study The most agreement of “Uncivil” Workplace Behavior was on the following • Taking, without asking, a co-worker’s food • Refusing to work hard on a team project • Shifting blame to coworker for mistake • Reading someone else’s mail • Neglecting to say please/thank you

  12. The Baltimore Workplace Civility Study “Violent Workplace Behavior” • Pushing a co-worker, heat of argument • Yelling at a co-worker • Firing a subordinate, heat of argument • Harshly criticizing a subordinate in public • Using foul language

  13. The Baltimore Workplace Civility Study Responses to Incivility • Discussed outside of workplace (88%) • Discussed with co-workers (85%) • Contemplated changing jobs (70%) • Felt less commitment to company (63%) • Confronted the instigator (44%)

  14. The Baltimore Workplace Civility Study Effects of Incivility • Quality of life drops • Quality of service drops • Quality of product drops • Stress rises • People feel rushed • Accident rates (W/C) rise

  15. The Baltimore Workplace Civility Study Cost of Incivility • Decreased work effort (37%) • Work loss due to illness (9%) • Healthcare/EAP (13%) • Dr. Forni’s point is that “being good is good for you.”

  16. Definitions and Notions

  17. Defined • From the Latin civitas, city • Life in the city was to have a “civilizing” effect

  18. How Civil Are We? • We are experts • It’s a great message even if the messenger is conflicted

  19. What Does Civility Mean to You? • List the notions

  20. Respect for others Care Consideration Kindness Fairness Self-control Tolerance Etiquette Peace Community Service Tact Equality Sincerity Honesty Awareness Trustworthiness Listening Compassion Abiding by rules Some Popular Notions of Civility

  21. Civility is in the Realm of Ethics According to Dr. Forni • Being civil means being constantly aware of others….” • Civility is benevolent and thoughtful relating to others • Civility includes the well-being of our communities, and the • Health of the planet

  22. Examples • Interpersonal • Community • Environment

  23. Interpersonal • Please and Thank you • Lowering our voices • Considering our response • Acknowledging a newcomer to the conversation • Listening to understand and help • Acknowledging our mistakes • Disagreeing with poise

  24. Community • Welcome a new neighbor • Respect those who differ from us • Refuse to participate in gossip • Raise funds for a neighborhood • Stand on the right of an escalator • Make new coffee after taking last cup • Yield with grace when losing argument

  25. Environment • Proper disposal of pollutants • Proper disposal of trash left by someone else • Following traffic laws (safety, courtesy) • Kindness to animals • Turning out the lights • Turning off the faucet

  26. Principles and Assertion

  27. Principles • Relationship • Respect • Self-expression • Restraint • Assertion

  28. Appeal To The Best in People • Building relationships • Consider the feelings of others • Consider the comfort of others • Treat others the best way we know how

  29. Respect in Action • The “everyday practice” of “respect for persons.” • “Harmonious and caring relationships foster a happy life.”

  30. Civility and Self-Expression • “Restraint offers a space between intention and action and the opportunity to protect others from actions or reactions that should exist only in your imagination.” Stephanie Dowrick

  31. Restraint • “Sometimes we confuse having fun with being happy.” • “Restraint is the art of feeling good later” • Do I really want to do this? • Is anybody going to be hurt by this? • Will I like having done this?

  32. Assertion Message (Robert Bolton, 1982) • Is it in my space? • Using non-polarized (charged, value-laden) words, describe the behavior • And, tell how it made you feel • (State the cost/impact, if identifiable) • Repeat, if necessary

  33. Assertion Exercises • The driver of a car parked next to you bumps your door • A presentation runs over • Your boss makes a highly challenging assignment and you are already busy • Your child bounces in your favorite chair until it breaks • A group of students are noisy in the halls when you are giving a tour

  34. Rules • In the texts of all religions • Renaissance ideals • Philosophy works • Self-help books • Forni condenses these into 25 “rules”

  35. “Top 10”

  36. 1. Pay Attention • Awareness of surroundings, students colleagues • What is or could be happening? • How will we make it different? • Ex: Salt shaker

  37. 2. Acknowledge Others • We monitor our relationships • The invisibility game dismisses the presence of others • Ex: Cutting in a line

  38. 3. Think The Best • What do we expect? • Goodness • Honesty • Could the young man standing in front of the large home own it? • Tempered with the realism that your opinions can change

  39. 4. Listen • How much time do we have for each other? • Value the messenger • Pay attention • Value the message • Make sure we understand

  40. Active Listening • Make listening the goal of the moment • Demonstrate your attention • Eye contact • Reflection • Restatement • Co-operative • Separating priorities • Critical thinking, concluding questions

  41. 6. Speak Kindly • At the heart of civil behavior • Improves the lives around us • Are our words an improvement over silence? • Permit others to speak in turn • Be aware of your non-verbals • Never yell at anybody • Never use profanities

  42. 7. Don’t Speak Ill • “Nobody ever gossips about other people’s secret virtues.” Bertrand Russell • “Politics on campus are so fierce because the stakes are so small.” George Brelsford, Rowan University • Response: Depart, silence, defend, challenge

  43. 11. Mind Your Body • Remember non-verbal communication • We can offend with our bodies • Is our cologne a problem? • Keep fingers at a safe distance from your mouth, ears and nose. • Keep your mouth closed when chewing • Never spit • Don’t scratch yourself

  44. 13. Keep it Down(and Rediscover Silence) • Thinking about silence as a choice, not as a void waiting to be filled • About preserving another’s peace • TV, CD’s, Cell phones, computers, leaf blowers, car horns, • Places of worship, libraries, restaurants, theaters • Campus, office, halls, classrooms

  45. 17. Assert Yourself • Expect to be treated in a civil manner • Saying “no” to someone may be saying “yes” to yourself No phrases: • No, thank you. • No, I don’t think that would be a good idea. • No, It’s not what I had in mind. • No, I’m not comfortable with that.

  46. 19. Care for Your Guests • Guests need not earn our hospitality • What is the ethic of care in our offices? • What expectations do we have of staff? • How important are the people we work with? • Guests can feel “at home” when expected to take care of themselves.

  47. Critical Thinking • Arrival

  48. Is formality suspicious? • What is the state of altruism? • How prevalent is restraint today? • Is achievement at odds with civility? • What happens if we wait for civility?

  49. The Rest of the Rules

  50. 5. Be Inclusive A mindset • How long have we held our beliefs? • Choose conversation topics that can be enjoyed by all • Summarize for a newcomer • Welcome a new neighbor • Develop and demonstrate an interest in other cultures

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