Balancing Love and Limits with your Ever-Changing Middle Schooler

1. Balancing Love and Limits with your Ever-Changing Middle Schooler John Walker, Ph.D., LMFT Family Connections: Loudoun County Department of Family Services

2. They Grow Up Fast!

3. Scrappy, hyper & forgetful Bikes to mopeds Goal oriented; Cutting lawns Loved Gilligan’s Island, Dukes of Hazard and being independent Class clown “Shattered” by the Rolling Stones Thrived on attention from friends At any expense Girls were wonderful and magical Tried to defy puberty Swim class and locker rooms Love the honesty, silliness, and awkwardness of pre-teens

4. Getting in Touch with Your Inner Middle Schooler • What were you like at 12 or 13? • What is your most salient memory of that time? • How did you handle puberty? • How did you think about adults and peers? • How about the opposite sex? • What did you feel most awkward about? • Were you under a lot of pressure? • How were you acting like a child, but wanting to be mature? • What is it about the age of your middle schooler that you like?

5. Middle School: A Developmental Roller Coaster • A lot of work to do: cognitive, physical, and psychosocial development • Most important characteristic is “uneven development” • Behavior may swing from childlike to adult-like • Physical characteristics may be adult-like while behavior is childlike • Lack of fit between adults’ expectations of preteens, preteens’ expectations of themselves, and preteens’ capabilities • Peer oriented, but still need parents (e.g. values) • Makes it confusing to them and frustrating to adults

6. Normal Developmental Challenges & Annoyances • “I am SPECIAL” Personal fable (David Elkind)– belief in own uniqueness; feeling of invincibility • You’re not so perfect”: Welcome to de-idealization • “It’s all about me” – • They assume others are thinking about them all the time • Highly sensitive to judgments/opinions: Imaginary peer group is far more critical than actual peers (who are preoccupied with own selves) • Idealistic: Can think about abstract ideals, but lack actual experience and are often unable to accept failure of school, family, and society to live up to ideals • “It won’t happen to me”: Don’t fully understand cause-effect structure of world due to lack of experience; often feel it doesn’t apply to themselves“

7. What is Different in the World of Today’s Teens? What was normal then, is not “normal” now • Child oriented • Over-scheduling; parents become agents • Perfection Trap; school, sports, body image, etc. • More parent friends • Fast tracked sexuality • Accessibility of drugs and alcohol • Difficulty delaying gratification

8. What is Different in the World of Today’s Teens? • Internet/texting/e-mail: • Less inhibition, fewer boundaries, less pressure from the conscience, more exploration of alternative selves • Cyber-bullying • Violent media • Harassment and bullying • False self • Social skills • Physical danger/exploitation

9. Connection and Limits: Our Biggest Challenges • Technology isolates: I-pods, internet, cell phones, my space, etc. • Disconnection from extended family and community • Disconnection/isolation among teens • Teens can feel empty and with no purpose or mission • Entitlement: Our kids expect more than we did • Parents can feel guilty, overwhelmed, and tired

10. Top 3 Strategies to Set Limits

11. Limits: Button Pushing Starts Early • Children... the masters of process • Who is controlling the mood and direction? • How does the parent’s age drop? • Who is bringing out the worst in whom?

12. Top 10 Teen Button-Pushing Tactics (Sells, 2001) 1) “You never let me do anything” 2) Lying 3) “You don't care about me.” 4) “You're not my real mother/father.” 5) A disgusted look or improper gesture 6) Finding your most vulnerable area and preying on it 7) “ You play favorites.” 8) “ I hate you! ” 9) “ I’ll do it later …... ” 10) Chronic, unbearable whining

13. Top 10 Parent Button-Pushing Tactics (Sells, 2001; Walker 2004) 1) Preaching or Using Clichés 2) Talking in Chapters 3) Labeling 4) Futurizing 5) Instant Problem-Solving 6) “You’re so moody!” 7) Not tolerating experimental behavior (e.g. clothes, hair,etc) 8) “When I was your age…….” • Collecting criticisms • Hovering

14. Strategy #1: Button Busters: Managing the Mood (Sells, 2001) “Discipline problems decrease as the overall climate of the family improves” 1) Don’t take it personally 2) Exit and wait 3) Short and to the point 4) Deflectors • Nevertheless; regardless; the rule still stands 5) Secret Signals

15. Strategy #2: Couch criticism A. Make positive intention known B. Give the criticism C. Make sure they hear your confidence in them • Remember to Privatize it!

16. Strategy #3: Family Agreements • In-home accountability training • Encourage responsibility with teen input • Involve choices • Focus on behavior, not person • They are easier to accept than punishments • Helps teens build internal locus of control

17. STEP 2 Parents & Teen negotiate • Top 10 things teens care about • Negotiate Rewards and Consequences • Troubleshoot Family Agreements STEP 1 . Parents Unite • Rank order the problems • Check your gas gauge • Convert problem into a rule • (Family Agreement sheet)

18. Can You Tell They Didn’t Troubleshoot?

19. Top 6 Strategies to Get Connected

20. Strategy #1: Assess your Connection (Steinberg, 2004): • Can you name all of your child’s teachers? • Do you know who your child’s best friends are? • Do you know what he/she likes to study in school? • Do you know what book he/she is reading? • Can you name your child’s favorite athletes, celebrities, movies, music, TV shows? • Do you know how she/he spends time after school, in the evenings, & on weekends? • How does he/she spend their money? • Do you know if you child is happy, sad, popular or lonely, anxious or untroubled? • What are they most worried about? • Who does your child go to when they are upset? Ask them why. ( it’s a roadmap for what you can do).

21. Strategy #2 Slow Down the Race to Maturity • Relieve the pressure to be perfect • Provide opportunities to achieve competence and success • Support and accept bouts of immaturity • Monitor dating • Encourage group dates • Friend them on Facebook • Casually meet the girlfriend/boyfriend

22. Strategy #3 Befriend their friends • Get to know them • Make sure you spend time with them • Make your house the place to be • Get to know the parents

23. Strategy #4 Monitor the Computer • Put it in public • Limit time • Check history • Get access to My Space, Face Book, etc.

24. Strategy #5 Insist on Tech-Free, Quality Time • In the car • In the hot tub • During a meal and 20 minutes after

25. Strategy #7: Find a mutual interest • Unconditional one on one time • Prioritize it and schedule it • Special Outings Handout

26. Strategy #5: Accept feelings • Separate behavior from feelings • “I know you feel that way” • “I can see why you think that” • “No wonder you feel that way” • “Oh, I get it, that makes sense”

27. Strategy #6: Praise in Public & Private • Nurturing notes • Positive reports

28. Discussion John P. Walker, Ph.D. Family Connections Loudoun County Department of Family Services John.Walker@loudoun.gov (571) 258-3071