As usual, The Greeks started it all;-)

WHATTHE %^#%DID YOU SAY?The Discipline of ConversationsTwitter @ChuckPapaGBlog http://chuckpblog.ideasphere.comc.papageorgiou@ideasphere.com

Thucidides - THE MELIAN DIALOGUE (Circa 400BC) History of the Peloponnesian War As usual, The Greeks started it all;-)

And the rest of the world followed! • Business • Dialogue and TQM – mid-80’s • A plethora of books on dialogue skills required for Total Quality Mgmt • Crucial Conversations - 2002 • Over 20 months on Business Week’s Best Seller List • Crucial Confrontations - 2005 • New York Times Best Seller List • Life • How to Win Friends and Influence People – 1936 • In Paperback – 2009 - 7 months on Business Week’s Best Seller List • You Just Don't Understand: Women And Men In Conversation - 1990 • Multiple editions in many languages

Absent the brain of a genius or the family fortunes of a mogul;The ability to manage interactions, negotiations, tough conversations, and touchy situations has been a characteristic of successful people since the beginning of time

And it’s not getting any easier! • Increased pressure • Timely results require highly effective and efficient communication • Educational systems • Do not deliver practical tools for effective, efficient, high speed communications • Multiculturalism and Globalization • New dimensions to “denotations and connotations” • Political Correctness • Discussing tough subjects is a risky proposition

Business Conversations that matter • WHAT’s at STAKE? • HOW MANY OPINIONS? • HOW DO WE FEEL ABOUT IT? • Only 10-20% of our daily conversations have meaningful organizational impact and are defined as the ones with: • High Stakes, with • Many Differing Opinions, driven by • Strong Emotions

Discipline of Conversations! • Understand • “The Universal Model” • Prepare • “The Six Primitive Interrogatives” • Frame • “STATE” • Tools • Rehearsal • I Language • Contrast • Verbal Jiu-Jitsu

A UNIVERSAL MODEL • I See/Hear/Read Something • I Tell Myself a Story • I Feel an Emotion • I Choose an Action Violence Indifference Silence

Actions and Reactions • Silence • Physical – Stop talking • Emotional – Retreat or the Frozen Smile • Political – Yes or Agree to Disagree • Behavioral – Ignore person talking • Violence • Physical – Violence such as hitting or pushing • Emotional – Sarcasm or Intentional Hurtfulness • Political – Reframing of argument • Behavioral – Loudness or Chest Puffing • Indifference • Physical –Shrugging, Not paying attention • Emotional – No feelings attached to response • Political – Defining as not-relevant, Ignoring • Behavioral – Disengagement

First Things First! • Know your natural tendencies • More often than not and generally consistent • Depends on the stories we tell ourselves • Outward display depends on the situation • Learn to recognize the reactions of others • Regular Patterns or Disruption of regular patterns • Cultural and Gender differences play a role • Manage these simultaneously when in conflict • Yours and Theirs!

The Six Primitive Interrogatives • Why? • Why am I having (planning to have) the conversation? • What? • What do I want to get out of the conversation? • How? • How would/should (not) the conversation progress? • Who? • Who is/should be (not) part of the conversation? • When? • When will/should (not) the conversation occur? • Where? • Where will/should (not) the conversation take place?

The STATE Framework • S – Share your facts • What did I see or hear? • T – Tell your story • What are/could be my conclusions? • A – Ask for their path • How do they see it? • T – Tentatively propose • What if (solution)…?Where am I wrong? • E – Encourage testing • Even if it is different from mine, what is your perspective? Adapted from Crucial Conversations

Some simple tools (but not easy) • Rehearsal • It prepares you for a variety of responses • I-Language and Open Ended Questions • It helps avoid triggering defense mechanisms • Contrast • It sets boundaries and avoids spiraling conversations • ‘Verbal Jujitsu’ • It helps you to redirect the unreasonable

Rehearsal • Play the conversation out in your head • Imagine the dialogue, both yours and the other person’s • Say it out loud, test how it sounds • Especially helpful in email conversations • Examine the path of the conversation • Consider the other person’s viewpoints • Follow/create alternate paths based on varied responses • Plan your responses • Respond don’t react! • Avoid reacting to “fighting words,” triggers, or surprises

I-Language - Open Ended Questions • I-Language is a way to express how we feel about a situation without triggering a defensive response • I feel….is neither defensive nor offensive • There is only one person you can control, YOU • Open Ended Questions focus on the process • What was the outcome? vs Did you do it? • If the answer can be Yes or No, it’s closed ended • It’s not easy to DO every day and requires practice • It requires engaging brain before engaging mouth

Contrasting • What I Want - What I Do Not Want • I want to understand why this term is included • I do not want to re-negotiate our deal • What I Mean - What I Do Not Mean • I want to review inefficiencies • I do not mean to imply anything about competence • I am asking, I am not challenging • What I Believe - What I Do Not Believe • I believe your promotion was well deserved • I do not believe we have set you up with the tools to succeed

Verbal Jiu-Jitsu • Help others to hear their unreasonable statements • Address generalizations or incendiary comments • ‘They’re all incompetent’ • ‘That will be a waste of billions of dollars’ • ‘He/She/They are Evil’ • Attach implied actions to unreasonable statements • Well, Let’s do something about it • Let’s kill all the Lawyers • Requires ‘amused detachment’ • Sometimes people are just funny! • Take the work seriously, not yourself • Can be used to counter ‘sound bites’ • But don’t engage in sound-bite-exchange

Why be disciplined about this? • Tangible Costs Of Entry • Less friction in daily interactions • More effective in reaching bottom-line objectives • Reduces drama! • Intangible Leadership Qualities • Become known as a “smooth operator” • Build relationships as part of getting results on the task at hand rather than “personality or social compatibilities” • Lower level of stress by avoiding over-reaction

And if you can only remember…. • Conversations that occur in high-pressure situations, can and will significantly impact your organization. Don’t take them lightly • The fundamental models have stood the test of time. Focus on creating a framework for conversation – the rationale, the dialogue, and the structure • Pick a number of techniques that work for you and can be used to diffuse high-pressure situations and to effectively engage and manage conversations • Your ability to influence, and your personal brand, are significantly impacted by your ability to effectively engage in conversation.

Q&A Session and Selected Quotes • God gave me the stubbornness of a mule and a fairly keen scent • Albert Einstein • Management goes only so far, it stops a step short of genius • Fortune magazine 11/99 • A visionary is supposed to have a vision of the future. I think I was right most of the time • Ted Turner 1997 • Chuck, What the &*&# were you thinking? • People, Frequently

As usual, The Greeks started it all;-)