Attachment and Behaviours

1. Attachment and Behaviours

2. ‘Children are not slates from which the past can be rubbed by a duster or sponge, but human beings who carry their previous experiences with them and whose behaviour in the present is profoundly affected by what has gone before.’ J Bowlby, 1951 ‘Attachment has implications for how one views oneself and others. It acts as an organiser of behaviour towards others that persists into adult life affecting later relationships and choices’ Grossman & Grossman, 1991

3. We are going to talk about……. What attachment is Secure and insecure attachment Factors that affect attachment Problems poor attachment can cause Three main types of attachment difficulty and what they look like What can be done to help - general and specific ideas

4. Note to self….. We all have, or have had parents/carers and many of us are parents ourselves, so thinking and talking about attachment can stir up strong and unexpected feelings

5. ..….is the capacity to form and maintain healthy emotional relationships. An attachment bond has unique properties. The capacity to create these special relationships begins in early childhood… Perry 1991 ..…a close emotional relationship….characterised by close affection and a desire to maintain proximity Schaffer 1993 So attachment is all about special bonds with key people

6. Many views on what attachment is and how you diagnose attachment difficulties • There is no treatment as we usually understand it, but of course we can help • Attachment problems are not confined to Looked After Children (who almost always have them) • There is still lots that can be done to help children with these kinds of difficulties and you are ideally placed to do just that

7. Every child has a need for safety, stability and security to develop well • Children learn a lot about their own value and the way the world works from their parents and carers attitudes and actions towards them • A parent needs to provide ‘good enough’ care which involves tuning in to, dealing with and satisfying the child’s basic needs at least adequately most of the time (Winnicott 1964) • This allows the child to develop the sense of security and confidence that enables them to deal with the world effectively

8. ‘Good enough’ parenting leads to a secure attachment • A secure attachment is most obvious at times of stress - the child can cope because he feels safe and loved - he has a secure base

9. Summary so far…. • Forming an enduring bond with a special person or persons • Bonds that develop over time - we all have an attachment history • It involves soothing, comfort - physical and emotional, and pleasure • And therefore provides the safety and security of a safe base • When attachments develop well they are said to be secure

10. What does safety mean? What does security mean?

11. Think about a child you have taught who appears happy and well adjusted. What is is about their responses that leads you to think this? Can you interpret their responses and behaviours in terms of their likely attachment history?

12. Secure child’s working model: ‘Adults are reliable and helpful. I know that I can trust them to look out for me and to meet my needs. I can trust you and other people. I am okay if you are with me or if you are busy doing other stuff and you find me quite easy to get along with’.

13. The child with secure attachments: • Physical and emotional needs are adequately met • Feels physically safe • Feels cared for and that he will be protected • Knows and feels that he is noticed, valued, important and special, that he matters and so do his needs and wishes • Feels he can rely on a predictable and caring, if not always positive response

14. Feels he is a good person who deserves to be noticed, listened to and loved and so becomes effective, resilient and confident • Feels able to explore and express strong emotions because they will be allowed and contained by someone he trusts • Is able to think about others because he himself is safe • Is able to explore his world and his feelings because his special person will make sure that he is okay even when things are very hard - he has a secure base from which to explore • Is clear that he is the child and you are the adult and that these are different roles

15. Levy (1998) found securely attached babies and young children do better in: Self esteem Independence and autonomy Resilience in the face of adversity Ability to manage feelings and impulses Long term friendships Relationships with parents, teachers, authority figures Coping skills Trust, intimacy and affection Positive belief systems about self and society Empathy, compassion and conscience Success at school

16. Terminology…. • So we experience secure attachments which are good and insecure attachments which can be problematic • The term ‘attachment’ can be misleading - in fact secure attachment allows separation, resilience and independence, not a gluing together as the term might imply ‘the aim of attachment is detachment’ (Rutter 1981)

17. What factors help secure attachments develop? What might predispose insecure attachments to develop?

18. At risk factors typically, but not always, include: • Difficult birth and/or neonatal period that involves separation and difficulty bonding • Maternal post natal depression • Child’s temperament • Mental heath difficulties of main care giver • Unwanted pregnancy, mental health problems during pregnancy • Sudden and poorly managed separation from mothers (e.g. death, maternal illness) • Neglect, physical, emotional or sexual abuse (e.g. Looked After Children) • Very erratic parenting • Either very neglectful or over-controlling parenting • Protracted illnessesand painful, distressing, undiagnosed illnesses in the child • Multiple home and school changes in early years • Child having a disability Such factors make it harder but not impossible for special bonds to develop Attachment problems are not in the child

19. Some cautions………………… • Every child is different so we can never assume the consequences of the same set of circumstances on any two children. • Children in the same family who have suffered the same neglect or trauma can be affected differently • Some children who have suffered extreme trauma may have some secure attachments • Attachment is not about difficult circumstances - a child may have very secure attachments even if the family is experiencing hardship • Attachment problems are on a continuum; a diagnosed ‘attachment disorder’ is usually applied to more severe cases

20. Why are poor attachments such a problem? The quality of attachments affects neurological development permanently • Size and structure of the brain • Density of the ‘wiring’ • Cortisol - stress hormone If the child has a prior developmental problems, the effects of poor attachments can be much more profound and persistent It can be hard to separate the effects of an existing developmental problem from the effects of attachment difficulties - simple explanations are unhelpful

21. Interpreting children’s behaviour It is unwise and shows lack of insight to interpret behaviour simplistically - it may be the wrong interpretation and it may be only part of a more complex set of reasons behind the response The more difficult or different behaviour is, the more likely it is to have an emotional basis and the more important it is to reflect on what might be behind it

22. The child with insecure attachments: • Believes that their needs and they themselves are irritating, unimportant or overwhelming • Is not designed to understand their parents’ limitations or violations as we might and they cannot cope • Must develop their own strategies to survive

23. Coping Strategies - ‘Attachment Styles’ • When you are helpless adaptation can be a matter of life and death • Children find ways of responding that maximise the chances of their needs being met • Responses are child specific and include giving up, not expressing needs, suppressing needs, demanding needs met- these are attachment styles • They are ways of communicating distress • These are distorted responses to the distorted view and behaviour of the parents • They may work in the short term, they can be bad news in the longer term

24. Three attachment styles Avoidant Ambivalent Disorganised

25. Avoidant Attachment Working Model Grown-ups are rejecting or intrusive so I will ignore you and look after myself. I won’t bother asking you for help. You have no idea what I need. Leave me alone.

26. Liam ‘I am no good at my work. Everyone else is. I like to make my pencils and stuff look neat on the table because it makes me feel better. My teacher says I am a really good tidier. Sometimes I stay back at break to tidy things up for my teacher’ ‘Liam keeps getting up to sharpen his pencil and he is always rubbing out his work. He never seems to get his work finished. He loves to tidy up and always asks to help but he doesn’t make eye contact and he is deep- hard to read. He gets a bit obsessed with things like his equipment. He never seems content’.

27. What’s going on here? • Child is meeting his own needs as a way of coping with the parent ignoring or finding the child irksome • Child shuts down, blanks out, tries to disappear but is still needy • Achievements and getting it right are more important than relationships • Child is task orientated • Compliant but highly anxious • Helping is a way of keeping you at bay and avoiding responsibilities • An effort to get control leads to obsessiveness/perfectionism • May be a high achiever but emotionally fragile • Avoiding connecting with others which can lead to sadness and flashes of aggression

28. Ambivalent Attachment Working Model Grown-ups are unpredictable so I have to make a lot of fuss to make sure they notice me and give me what I need. I can’t trust them to spot it. I know I’m in your face but I can’t stand it if you ignore me, it terrifies me and I feel like I don’t exist

29. Aimee ‘Mainly I like school and I like my teacher because she listens to me and she helps me with my work. I think she really likes me. I don’t like it when she talks to the other girls on my table - it can make me really angry like she’s letting me down. Sometimes I make a right fuss and shout a bit just to stop her talking to anyone else’. ‘Aimee can really irritate the other children and causes lots of minor disruption that wears you down. She makes silly noises or hums when I’m trying to talk to the whole class. She’s always got a problem or a question or wants to tell things that are irrelevant. She needs to understand that there are 30 children in my class and that school is for learning’.

30. What’s going on here? • The child has never been kept in mind by an adult • Needs to be noticed to feel that she exists and is important • Will do anything to make sure that she is visible and bad attention is fine • Is very anxious • The child pretends to need help • The child cannot bear it if other children get attention as it makes her feel unsafe • Resentful and angry if not attended to and has no mental space left for learning • Exhausting to teach

31. Disorganised Attachment Working Model Adults are really weird - they can be really frightening and horrible or they can seem like they are scared and helpless themselves. So I feel really confused and I don’t know how you will react and I’m never sure how things will end if I ask you for anything. It makes me feel bad.

32. Connor ‘Nobody likes me at school and I hate the teachers as well. Well there’s one okay one but sometimes he’s really moody so I don’t know. It’s best to look after yourself at school, stick up for yourself cos nobody else will. Well they might but you can’t be sure. Sometimes I get really really mad and scream and throw stuff about I’m so mad and it all makes me scared. I think the teachers are frightened of me’. ‘Well it’s one long battle with Connor. Small problems turn into major dramas and he can really lose it. He’s had a few exclusions that haven’t helped. At other times he seems really nervous and just won’t engage. He could do much better with his work if he would calm down’.

33. What’s going on here? • Very erratic and extreme responses that are very challenging to manage • Child is highly anxious and desperate for control • Can both demand and reject help • Extreme behaviour can seem to have no trigger • Seems designed to shock and places the child at risk - often need risk assessment • Fear, panic, helplessness and lack of trust lies behind the defiance • Child is hyper-vigilant and too preoccupied to learn or make relationships

34. So the child with unmet attachment needs develops a very particular set of beliefs about how the world is and can: Feel anxious and Stressed Have problems Trusting and empathising Have problems controlling their Impulses and emotions Feel and show Rage Feel Shame The STIRS model - unmet need stirs up the child who stirs up other people

35. Now for the good news…. ‘School life, with its rich environment of new relationships and tasks, presents children with occasions to identify, develop and establish fresh, more robust and more socially valued aspects of the self’ (Howe et al 1999)

36. Remember…. • You have the ability and power to make a big difference to children’s lives • Positive and appropriate relationships with teachers and support staff can be a powerful way of repairing a damaged attachment history • Small insights and kindnesses can go a very long way and be long remembered • Getting it right is not hard or time consuming- often it is not specialist work • If it’s not good enough for your child it’s not good enough

37. Can you think of a time when the words or actions of a teacher had a negative impact on you? Does that incident still affect you? (Do you think that teacher still remembers it?) Can you think of a time when the words or actions of a teacher had a positive impact and does it still affect you?

38. Differentiating for Attachment Difficulties • Differentiate by emotional state or developmental stage and readiness to learn as much as ability • Make sure they can do it • Make sure they believe they can do it • Make sure they feel safe enough to do it • Provide ‘supportive scaffolding’

39. Supportive scaffolding means: • Engaging the child’s interest • Simplifying the task and breaking it down • Be ready to step in and intervene if any problems are anticipated or arise - avoid failure • Show you are pleased when they succeed - they will learn pleasure and pride in their own success

40. Think about the way we understand & relate to the child • Understand the emotional level the child is at and treat them accordingly - a child behaving like a toddler is stuck at that stage • Much behaviour comes from anxiety which shows itself in many ways that may not look like anxiety • Behaviour modification programmes may be unsuccessful because they increase anxiety and require emotional maturity • Shouting at or criticising or excluding a child who already hates himself and is anxious if unlikely to be helpful • Tasks involving complicated group dynamics are likely to be challenging • Offer the child time with a key adult who can build a relationship, make the child feel better about himself and more resilient and more able to respond as you might wish

41. The language we use • The worst question ever…. ‘Why do you do that?’ • Avoid phrases that assume emotional intelligence and a shared view of the emotional world - ‘behave yourself’ ‘be kind’ ‘calm down’ ‘concentrate’ etc • Avoid saying ‘you know perfectly well what you have done wrong’ • Use clear language that says what you mean and explain it - ‘talk quietly to Ben, it gives him a shock when you shout in his ears’ • Draw attention to desirable behaviour being modelled • Encourage reflection rather than ‘say you’re sorry’

42. Allocating a Key Adult - highly recommended! Necessary mainly for children who have an incapacitating level of difficulty • An alternative attachment figure whose main role is to establish a relationship rather than getting the child to do their numeracy • Allows the child to be dependent until they are able to be independent • Choose the right person - role boundaries are important • The key adult needs to be well supported • Back up adult?

43. Key Worker Person Specification ???

44. Other things you can do: • Provide structure, routine, predictability, good organisation and clear rules - ‘uncertainty can be an unbearable threat’ (Geddes 2006) • Remember that anxiety does not always look like anxiety • Be predictable and reliable and trustworthy - say what you mean and mean what you say • Be patient with demanding acting out responses - change can be very slow indeed, be calm, be warm • Hold or contain and do not over-react to strong emotions - don’t raise the emotional heat or the child will feel increasingly anxious and out of control • Watch out for tasks with complex social demands

45. Be clear with role boundaries - you are not a friend but you can be trusted • Stay connected with the child - find small ways to show the child that he is held in mind, notice him, check on him, use his name in a positive way, often • Provide personal greeting and departing routines • Find opportunities to talk about feelings and reflect on them - your own as well - ‘wonder aloud’, share and make acceptable, emotions of any kind • Sit the child with others who are likely to be supportive • Allow and develop a range of calming activities • Deal with conflicts and poor behaviour without shaming

46. Avoid public humiliation from several staff • Use humour but carefully and avoid taking offence yourself • Link praise to what the child has done or said specifically • Create an ethos where mistakes are considered normal and acceptable – your own included • Use programmes designed to support with EWB such as Getting Along, Therapeutic Storywriting, Connecting with Children

47. Watch out for anxiety triggers like: • Transitions including changes of school • Having to wait and interruptions • Social activities • Start and end of the lesson / day / week / term • Special events- mother’s day, Xmas, parents evening • Exciting events • Staff changes • Physical contact • Over praise/public praise • Emotion laden situations or scenarios

48. It is our duty to promote children’s physical and psychological recovery from traumatic experiences (UN Convention on the Rights of the Child) We are ‘in loco parentis’ which means trying to make up for less than great parenting Children want to please and be accepted

49. Further Resources Guidance document for school – Jackie Sharpe Guidance document for carers - Lyndsay Craig Full Circle ‘Inside I’m Hurting’ Louise Michelle Bomber, 2007, Worth Publishing ‘Attachment in the Classroom’, Heather Geddes, 2006, Worth Publishing TheYellowKite.co.uk

50. Thank you Have a good year!