Conflict and Negotiation

1. Conflict and Negotiation Most of this material is from Beyond Reason, by Fisher and Shapiro.

2. Three ways to get what you want • Love • Force • Trade

3. Negotiation is Trade • We negotiate to get what we want • “You can shear a sheep a hundred times but you can only skin it once.”

4. Emotions are Powerful • They are also always present and often hard to handle. • Negotiation involves both reason and emotion. • What is an emotion? Everyone seems to know until asked to define it. It is a felt experience.

5. Emotions as obstacles to negotiation • Divert attention from substantive matters • Damage a relationship • Used to exploit you

6. Emotions as an asset • Positive emotions can help find common ground • Positive emotions can enhance a relationship • Positive emotions need not increase your risk of being exploited

7. Dealing with emotions • You can’t stop them • You can’t ignore them • Dealing directly with them is complicated

8. Five Core Concerns • Appreciation • Affiliation • Autonomy • Status • Role

9. Appropriateness • We want each of the core concerns to be met appropriately, not to little, not too much. • Fairness • Honesty • Consistently with circumstances

10. Unmet core concerns • Make us angry, anxious, jealous, disgusted, guilty, sad, etc. • Result: tendency to react negatively, withdraw, think rigidly, act deceptively

11. Met core concerns • Make us enthusiastic, happy, hopeful, affectionate, proud, and calm • Result: Cooperation, creativity, trust

12. Appreciation • Find merit in what others think and do, and show it. • Ben Franklin’s technique • Failure to understand other point of view • Criticism of the merit of their viewpoint • Failure to communicate any merit we see • Sincerity is crucial • Act like a mediator

13. Three elements • Understand their point of view • Find merit in what they think, say, or do • Communicate your understanding

14. Meta-messages • I like this proposal • I like this proposal • I like this proposal • I like this proposal

15. Communication • Reflective listening • Ask how the other person feels • Role reversal exercises • Help others understand your point of view • Help others find merit in your position • Use of metaphor

16. Affiliation • Turn an adversary into a colleague • Prisoner’s dilemma • Actual or possible differences with someone else • Word means to receive into a family; implies connectedness

17. Personal connections • Look for common interests • Look for common beliefs • Look for personal similarities

18. Structural connections • Age • Rank • Family • Background • Religion

19. Build new links • Treat the other as a colleague • Informal setting • Introduce yourself informally • Importance of interests • Make yourself indebted to the other • Plan joint activities • Exclude with care

20. Reduce personal distance • Connecting at a personal level • Meet in person • Discuss things you care about • Allow others space • Keep in contact

21. Protecting yourself • Check the proposal with your head. • Check it with your gut

22. Autonomy • Expand your own autonomy • Don’t impinge upon theirs

23. Expand yours • Making recommendations • Invent options before deciding • Conduct joint brainstorming • Too much autonomy can be overwhelming

24. Don’t limit theirs • Avoid unilateral decisions • Invite input from invisible stakeholders • ICN bucket system • Inform • Consult, then decide • Negotiate joint decision

25. Status • Status can enhance our esteem and influence • No need to compete over status • Treat every negotiator with respect • The “argument from intimidation”

26. Particular status • Education • Skills • Experience • Big-picture thinking • Connections • Social skills • Etc.

27. Recognize their status • Recognize that each person has high status in some area • Ask advice

28. Acknowledge your status • Take pleasure in your area of status • Be confident about what you know

29. Know the limits of status • Give weight to opinions where deserved • Clarify status roles • Beware of spillover • Status can be raised or lowered

30. Choose a Fulfilling Role • Clear purpose • Personally meaningful • Not a pretense

31. Make conventional roles more fulfilling • These include: Academic, actor, analyst, chef, child, client, customer, doctor, executive, programmer, student, professor, technician, writer, etc. • Redefine the activities in your role • Name your current role • Add/change/remove activities to make your role more fulfilling

32. Temporary roles • Includes: Listener, Arguer, Problem Solver, Leader, etc. • Become aware of temporary roles you automatically play (Jake LaMotta as victim) • Adopt a temporary role that fosters collaboration • Appreciate temporary roles others play • Suggest a temporary role for them

33. On strong negative emotions • They can sidetrack a negotiation • Check the current emotional temperature • Have an emergency plan ready • Diagnose possible triggers • Formulate your purpose

34. On being prepared • Prepare • Prepare • Prepare

35. Seven Elements of Negotiation • Relationship • Communication • Interests • Options • Criteria of fairness • Best Alternative to a Negotiated Agreement • Commitments