What is Conflict ?

1. What is Conflict ? • An unsolved problem • A disagreement between two people that may be the result of different: • Ideas • Perspectives • Priorities • Preferences • Beliefs • Values • Goals

2. Checking your attitude towards conflictWhat words come to mind when you think of the word conflict? There is no one who can help Overwhelming HELP! I can do this I am on my own It’s their fault It’s my fault It’s ok to ask for help Scary A challengeConfusing

3. Checking your attitude towards conflictsome factors to consider: Setting Events • Divorce & Two household routines • Domestic Violence/Substance/Verbal abuse • Lack of routine or support • Economic stress/anxiety • Culture/Modeling at home- • How are disagreements handled? • How is stress handled? • What type of respect & communication is modeled? • What coping skills are taught/used by parents

4. Checking your attitude towards conflictreframe perceptions Problems can be seen as: Challenges to overcome Puzzles to be solved Opportunities to grow There are benefits to conflict/problems: • Your children learn not to be afraid of problems • You teach an optimistic attitude toward problems by modeling a “can do” attitude • Your children’s self esteem will be enhanced • Your positive attitude will build a positive relationship with your child

5. Problem Exploration & Conflict ResolutionSteps Involved Problem Exploration • Define the problem- What? Where? When? How often? • Is it challenging a Norm? • Who owns the problem? • How acceptable is it?

6. Step One: Define the Problem • How often is he late? • He has been late 4 of the last 5 times • Under what circumstances? • He went bike riding after school • To what extent? • Once by 5 minutes and three times by 20-30 minutes

7. Step Two:Is it challenging a norm? The behaviors are part of a child doing the job of a developmental task Eleven year olds typically: • Can tell right from wrong, but don’t always do the “right” thing • Likes to argue and prove parent wrong • Has a strong conscience • Is concerned with self-protection • Does not approve of cheating, but still may do so Is it challenging a Norm? Is it still a problem? YES

8. What is Normal? 5 year olds 6 year olds • Children begin to articulate their feelings. ex: “I’m sorry” or “I’m mad at you” • More self-control & periods of attention • May point out differences in others • Can be self-critical & fall apart when frustrated • Proud of being a “big kid” • Goes between desiring independence and needing to be babied and reassured • Begins to experience more things independent of parents but will still seek reassurance. • More awareness of their own and others’ emotions • Need to be taught the fine line between confidence and boasting • Perfectionistic • Difficulty accepting criticism or punishment • See things in black and white • Need for security and routine while still “calling the shots”

9. What is Normal? 7 year olds 8 year olds • More guidance than supervision: food choices, leisure time, chores etc. • Need routine for security but can handle changes • Own worst critic/desire to fit in • Will desire down time or alone time • May begin “collections” • Quick changing emotions • Critical of others and self • Compares self to others • Desire for privacy • Desire to be part of a groups such as sports, scouts, clubs etc… • May gravitate towards friends of the same gender • Developing understanding of “wrong” & “right” can lead to group conflict • Developing empathy & perspective

10. What is Normal? 9 year olds 10 year olds • Developing emotional maturity: delayed gratification/helping others • Begin to form their own opinions • Better able to resolve conflict w/friends • Susceptible to stress/anxiety • Begin to form strong attachments to friends • Desire to win: hate to lose • Strong sense of right and wrong/fair • Need for distance from parents and desire for social experiences • Peer pressure/desire to fit in • Insecurities/appearance • Entering adolescence • Body image and changes • Mood swings/volatility • Need for self-confidence • Thinking independently about who they are. “I’m a vegetarian” or “I’m a Yankees fan”

11. Step Three: Who owns the problem? When something our child does directly effects us in a negative way, then we own the problem When something our child does only affects him and does not directly effect us, then the child owns the problem Sometimes, both own the problem Who is bothered? Mom

12. Step Four: How Acceptable is it? • Differs by person • Varies by our mood • Depends on the age of the child Is it still a problem? YES

13. Conflict Resolution Child Involvement Introduce the topic: • Talk about child’s feelings • Talk about your feelings • Summarize the problem • Generate possible solutions

14. Conflict ResolutionGenerating Solutions • Invite your child to brainstorm mutually acceptable solutions • Let the child come up with the first few ideas • Refrain from commenting • Write down all the ideas

15. Conflict ResolutionGenerating Solutions • Connor gets to stay out longer- C • Connor will ride by the house and tell Mom if he wants more time-C • Connor will do his homework while riding his bike.-C • Connor completes his homework, before he can ride his bicycle.-M • Connor will go out later when his friends are out.-M • Connor gets a cell phone so he can call when he will be late.-C

16. Conflict ResolutionEvaluate Options & Generate Solutions • Decide which ideas you like, which you don’t and which you want to put into action. • You want to be careful about criticizing or putting-down ideas or suggestions you don’t like. Generate Solutions Choose the feasible options or create compromises

17. Conflict ResolutionImplement a Plan Make a specific plan • What steps do we have to take to get this plan in motion • Who will be responsible for what • By when will it be done It is critical to insist that your child follow through on agreements.

18. Conflict ResolutionImplement a Plan • Connor will complete 15 minutes of homework before he rides his bike • He can go out for 30 minutes • If he wants more time, he will ride home to ask his mom if it is ok for the schedule for him to stay out for another 30 minutes. If Connor does not abide by this agreement, he cannot ride his bicycle the next day

19. Conflict ResolutionImplement a Plan EVALUATE • Set a specific time to evaluate the effectiveness of the plan • Make changes as needed

20. Problem Exploration & Conflict ResolutionOn your ownSteps Involved Problem Exploration • Define the problem- What? Where? When? How often? • Is it challenging a Norm? • Who owns the problem? • How acceptable is it? • Generate and Evaluate Solutions • Implement a Plan • Evaluate and adjust the plan

21. Suggested Resources on Child Development • Ames, Louise Bates, and Frances Ilg, • Your One Year Old,YourTwo Year Old, Your Three Year Old • Brazelton, T. Berry, Touchpoints • Fraiberg, Selma, The Magic Years • Gessell, Arnold, and Frances Ilg, The Child From Five to Ten • Hewitt, Deborah, So This is Normal Too? • Ilg, Frances and Louise Bates Ames, Child Behavior • Medina, John, Brain Rules for Baby: How to Raise a Smart and Happy Childfrom Zero to Five

22. Suggested Resources on Discipline For Older Children (ages three or four yearsand above) • Clarke, Jean Illsley, Growing Up Again • Coloroso, Barbara, Kids Are Worth It • Crary, Elizabeth, Kids can Cooperate • Kurcinka, Mary Sheedy, Kids, Parents and Power Struggles • Nelsen, Jane, Positive Discipline • Silberman & Wheelen, How to Discipline Without Feeling Guilty • Silberman, Mel, Confident Parenting • Swift, Madeline, Discipline for Life: Getting it Right With Children