How to Discipline Without Feeling Guilty: Part 2: The Necessity of Assertive Adult Authority

1. How to Discipline Without Feeling Guilty: Part 2: The Necessity of Assertive Adult Authority Rosemary E. Cullain Ph.D. Colorado Training Associates Inc. 303-429-0345

2. Conflicts Between Adults and Children Exist For Everyone • Adults and children have differing perspectives on almost everything • Children are naturally egocentric • Children with ASD are even more so • High value on doing what they want

3. Interrelationships • Adults and children have difference on interrelationships among family members • Children naturally see only their own immediate wants and needs • They have difficulty seeing how their behaviors affect others, seeing another persons viewpoint • Not really possible until well into adolescence • For kids with ASD – think of the impact!!!

4. Conflicts are Normal Natural and Necessary • If we avoid conflict with children by indulging their impulses they do not learn to deal with the realities of life. • If you are the Master (teacher, mentor) you will help by teaching them valuable lessons • Children have to figure out how to learn from their parent’s wisdom and how to challenge adult authority • Parents need to know how to deal with the challenges.

5. Salvador Minuchin • “Parents cannot protect and guide without a the same time controlling and restricting. Children cannot grow and become individuated without rejecting and attacking. The process of socialization in inherently conflictual.”

6. Children Must Learn Responsibility • Create the need to learn • Resist helping, bailing them out, over indulging monetarily and/or tangibly • Dressing – often we do it for them for the sake of time and for a more pleasing result. • If we help they never learn • If money is available to give to adolescents there is neither reason nor motivation for them to seek a part time or summer job. • The result in either case – no preparation for the real world.

7. Results of Non Assertive Parenting • Research by Coopersmith found that low self esteem and poor adjustment to school is directly related to nonassertive parenting • Same result with kids with special needs! • Over time non assertive parenting puts tremendous pressure on kids – they don’t know what the expectations are or what the consequences may be

8. Reactions to Non Assertive Parenting • They react in one of two ways. • Playing it safe: becoming secretive about doing what they want • Take what they can get deflecting and/or absorbing adult reactions by outwitting, out-arguing, and outlasting the adult.

9. Aggressive vs Assertive Parenting • We sometimes think they are one in the same. • Aggressive parenting is rigid and demanding of children and results in inhibiting learning and the development of self esteem. • Example: Demanding that a child be totally quiet in church for the duration of the and adult oriented event.

10. Aggressive Parenting • Result: • Little mutuality • Little dialogue • Kids unaware that they are appreciated for anything they do.

11. Assertive Parenting • Setting firm limits that are based on realistic expectations. • Giving kids an opportunity to explore reasonable alternatives based on expectations of their age • Helping them learn how the real world works.

12. Adults have Power over Children • Authoritive parenting is necessary when children’s behavior needs to be controlled or restricted. • Children are more stubborn and less guilt ridden that adults • When parents don’t take necessary action it is because of our own resistance based on guilt for the most part. • Sometimes parents feel it is catrostophic results if they say no when the child is demanding yes.

13. Powerful Adults • Children appreciate powerful adults although they don’t always appear to be so. • They want to be told no in situations when their impulses tell them yes and their fragile sense of self tells them no. • When adults are not strong their children feel compelled to supply their own strength.

14. Negative Power Over Children • Intimidation – frightening a child into doing our will. “Do it or you will wish you were never born” • Results in: submission, passive-aggressive, retaliating in other ways • Guilt – inducing guilt to make them behave • Usually guilt is used when parents feel guilty. “You make me so sad when you do this” • Result in: frustration – hard to be angry when you have supposedly hurt them – hard to say no to an unspoken request.

15. Responsible Adult Power • Research (Diana Baumrind) suggests that adults who parent with a balance of warmth and high control and high demand with clear communication of what is expected enjoy less dissention or discord in their home. • Spirited conflict will arise and that is healthy. • The result of such parenting are generally more friendly , self controlled, and assertive than children who are parented by permissive or authoritarian adults.

16. Assertive Parenting and Personal Judgment • Assertive adult authority involves thinking about what we want and how we behave and consideration of the child’s behavior, age, and situation. • Introspective approach helps in our choices of how to act or not, if we act what methods to use. • These decisions are personal ones and cannot be made by others.

17. Assuming Responsibility • If you choose to assume responsibility you must be willing to see it through • You must be willing to absorb children’s displeasure without intimidating them, using guilt, or more so changing your mind out of fear of the conflict. • Instead assuming responsibility enables us to giving children real control over a matter. • Tell them your point of view and your expectations and allow them to absorb the consequences of their decisions

18. Action Plan • In the following weeks we will examine the following “ingredients” of developing assertive relationships with children • Influence on our authority style • Our presentation to children through words and actions • Strategies we have developed to prevent conflict • Techniques we use to deal with conflicts when they arise,\ • Our understanding and responses to developmental struggles of children • Type of relationship we have with children • How we relate to other adults and gain support • How we deal with our own resistance to change.

19. Future Parent Evenings • Moved to 4th Wed of the month at 7 pm • Next meeting: • February 22nd 7 pm