CHILDREN AND DIVORCE

1. CHILDREN AND DIVORCE Zaid B. Malik, MD Asst. Residency Training Director Medical Director, PYA Director C&L Service, ACH

2. INTRODUCTION • Recent demographic trends indicate that approximately one-half of marriages in the United States end in divorce, with increasing numbers of children living with an unmarried or single parent .

3. Approximately one-third of American children will experience significant family instability and grow up living with only one parent, especially if they are poor and minority children

4. The Impact of Divorce on Children • While some parents may think or hope that their conflicting or untoward behavior may have little impact on the child, our clinical experience with these children reveals the heartfelt sensitivity and anguish that the child may feel.

5. Example • one 5-year-old boy when discussing with the child custody evaluator his experience in his family, apprehensively stated, “My parents are having a tug of war and I am the rope.” An 8-year-old girl, after overhearing part of her mother's angry telephone exchange with her father, anxiously asked her mother, “Do you hate the part of me that is Daddy?”

6. Psychological risk to be at approximately two times greater for children of divorce families as compared to children from intact families. • About 10% of children in married families had serious psychological and social problems compared to 20–25% of children from divorced families

7. Short- and long-term effects of divorce on children • The initial period of separation is immensely stressful for the majority of children and adolescents, partially due to the fact that most children are uninformed by their parents about the separation or divorce

8. A large number of children are unprepared for their parents' separation and react with an acute, intense sense of shock, disbelief, distress, sorrow, anxiety, and anger

9. Developmental factors • Preschool children :can experience regression, intensified anxiety, fears and neediness, sleep disturbances, and increased aggression. • Middle school–aged children: may experience anxiety, loneliness, and a sense of powerlessness. They may also struggle with feelings of responsibility for the divorce, conflicts of loyalty between the parents, and have fantasies of reconciliation. Their school performance and peer relationships may also be negatively affected.

10. Adolescents: may experience acute depression, intense anger, and anxiety about their own future relationships. They may also withdraw socially and accelerate their separation and individuation process from the family.

11. Important To Remember: • This acute response diminishes or disappears over a period of 1 to 2 years. • Interestingly, the initial responses of children do not necessarily predict the longer term consequences for psychosocial adjustment .

12. Longer term consequences • Children of divorce are significantly more likely to have externalizing problems such as conduct disorder and antisocial behaviors, relationship problems with peers, parents and authority figures, academic problems, and internalizing symptoms such as depression, anxiety, and low self–esteem

13. Other potentially long-term negative effects of divorce include a significant decline in the economic stability of their family and the loss of important relationships with close friends and extended family members, including nonresident parents, who are typically the fathers. As young adults, these children are at risk for weaker marital relationships, earlier pregnancies and lower socioeconomic attainment

14. The psychological impact of the divorce on any individual child is dependent on a number of risk and protective factors

15. High levels of interparental conflict— whether in the conflict of the marriage or in high conflict divorce situations— appear to have an especially negative influence on the psychological adjustment of children

16. Protective factors include a good relationship with at least one parent or caregiver, parental warmth, and the support of siblings and peers

17. Interparental conflict, the psychological health of the parents, and the quality of the parent–child relationships appear to be among the most important predictors of a child's adjustment to divorce

18. A Role for Child Psychiatry and Allied Disciplines In this regard, the knowledge of how divorce affects children and parents should be disseminated not only among mental health professionals but also among other professionals who work with children

19. Teachers, for example, need to be alerted to these findings so they can be sensitive to any changes in children's behavior and offer them and their parents support and counsel about ways they can cope with the changes in their lives.

20. Psychological support for parents and children should be made available immediately when the divorce proceedings begin.

21. Do's And Don'ts: • The Do's • ·       Do love your children as much as possibleShow them your love through words and actions. • ·       Do tell your children divorce is not their faultTell your children this repeatedly, they need to hear it more than once. • ·       Do reassure your children that they will be safeAnd let them know both parents will continue to provide for them to the best of their ability.

22. Do let your children know it is okay to love both Mom and Dad as they did before the divorceLet kids know the love they have for both parents doesn't have to change. • ·       Do support your children's relationship with their other parent.Inform the other parent of special events, school functions or extracurricular activities whenever possible. • ·       Do listen to your children.Honor their feelings without judging, fixing or trying to change how they feel. Remember, your children's' feelings don't have to reflect your feelings

23. ·       Do let children know it is okay to express those feelings.Remember your children will need help learning safe and healthy ways to express their feelings. Be sure to provide them with appropriate options. • ·       Do reinforce that children are members of two homes.Children should not be made to feel guilty or as if they have to choose  which is their "real" or "better" home. • ·       Do help children feel like they have a home with both parents regardless of the amount of time spent with each parent.Make sure children feel they have a place in each home that belongs to them even if it is only a section of a room. Giving children the opportunity to offer input or add their own touches to their space can be helpful.

24. Do provide your children with discipline, as well as love.Children still need parents to provide structure and limits especially during difficult times.

25. Don'ts • ·       Don't badmouth, judge or criticize your child's other parent.Children literally view themselves as half Mom and half Dad therefore when you attack the other parent you attack your child. This rule also applies to stepparents and other significant adults in your child's life. • ·       Don't expose your children to divorce details.Rarely is it ever in the best interest of children to be exposed to information regarding court matters, child support, financial concerns or intimate details regarding your divorce Typically children feel very confused and caught in the middle when parents expose them to adult issues.

26. ·       Don't use your children as messengers or spies.Be responsible for finding some way to communicate with your ex-spouse. • ·       Don't retaliate when the other parent says or does damaging things.Retaliation or giving children "your side of the story" continues the cycle of children feeling very confused and caught between mom and dad. Instead choose to be supportive of your children by using statements such as "I'm sorry you had to hear that" or " How do you feel when this happens?"

27. ·       Don't make your children responsible for making adult decisions.Children should not be place in the position of deciding parenting schedules, where they will live or how to handle household matters. • ·       Don't allow your children to become your best friends or confidants.Children should not feel responsible for their parent's emotional well being. Make sure you develop a supportive network and find other caring adults to share your feelings with about the divorce.

28. ·       Don't place blame when children ask why the divorce happened.Children should not be placed in the position of judging or taking sides. • ·       Don't withhold visitation if child support is unpaid or fail to pay child support if the other parent is withholding visitation.Both actions are illegal and are viewed as separate issues by the court.

29. ·       Don't try to buy your child's love or out buy the other parent.While children enjoy gifts, they will remember you for how you cherished them not for the material things you bought them. •   Don't lose your sense of humor.  It comes in handy during stressful times

30. How to Help Your Children • If possible, have both parents present when telling children about the divorce.Discuss what you will tell children before hand. Also, keep explanations simple and avoid placing blame. Use general statements such as Mom and Dad can't live together anymore or Mom and Dad have decided we would be happier living in different homes.

31. Tell your children that the divorce is not their fault.Children need to understand the decision to divorce had nothing to do with  them or their behavior. Further kids should be told there is nothing they can do to change what is happening in the family nor is it their responsibility to fix the family.

32. Tell your children that you love them. Make sure they understand the love shared between a parent and child and is different than the love shared between a husband and wife. Kids need to know that the love you have for them will last forever

33. Reinforce it is okay to love both Mom and Dad.Children should not feel they have to take sides or worry about losing the love of either parent.

34. Give children details regarding how life will change.Answer questions such as where they will live and with whom, when they will see each parent, where will the other parent be, how they can contact either parent, school arrangements, involvement in activities etc.

35. Tell children both parents will continue to be a part of their lives.Let children know what the parenting schedule will be and how they can reach each parent. Inform children that they can contact either parent when they feel they need to talk with that parent. Also, if one parent chooses not to be involved in a child's life, it is best not to be dishonest with your child or misrepresent the truth.

36. Minimize changes in your children's lives as much as possible.Such as neighborhood, friends, school, activities and contact with extended family members.

37. Inform school and teachers about changes in the family. Provide school with necessary information regarding the divorce such as who will be the primary contact, changes in emergency numbers, who will pick children up and when. Respect your children and remember to be discrete about details. This will also help you steer clear of the temptation to drag others into the drama of your divorce.

38. Forging ahead... • Continue to show your children you love them through both words and actions. • While you may tell your children with your words that you love them they will need you to back it up with action.  As much as possible be a parent who follows through with commitments and is true to their word.

39. Listen to your children.Support their right to have feelings about what is happening in their lives. Help your children find safe and healthy ways to express these feelings. Role model appropriate ways to deal with feelings.Find healthy ways to deal with you feelings and help your children develop safe ways to process their own feelings.

40. Re-establish a sense of security by providing structure, consistency as well as, lots of love.Children will wonder about the possibility of being divorced/abandoned by a parent (i.e. Are you going to leave me like you left each other?). Therefore keeping your word with children and following through with plans, as well as, promises are very important. Bottom line, don't just talk the talk; you also need to walk the walk.

41. Support your child's relationship with their other parent.Children need a relationship with both of their parents. Remember, while a person may not be a good marriage partner, they can still be an excellent parent.

42. Work on re-establishing a sense of family. Develop new family traditions, rituals or activities such as creating special ways to spend the holidays, getting a family portrait or planning a weekly  family dinner night.