What’s Your Anger Style?

1. What’s Your Anger Style?

2. Positive Things about Anger

3. Anger is an energizer: • Motivates us to take action/defend ourselves • Provides stamina (stick with it!) when the task is difficult • Supplies energy for the struggle • Converting anger into energy allows us to take charge and to work toward what we want. • Can give a feeling of control.

4. Anger helps express tension and communicates negative feelings. If done in a productive way it helps resolve conflict in relationships.

5. Anger gives us information: • About people and situations • It's a signal that it's time to deal with a problem • It tells us when something is wrong, frustrating, threatening or annoying

6. Negative Things about Anger

7. Anger interferes with clear thinking!! • Often causes us to act on impulse • Anger sometimes is used to protect our pride, cover embarrassment or hurt. • It seems easier to be angry than be anxious • Anger used like this prevents us from seeing our feelings and facing ourselves

8. Anger can start or lead to aggression • Anger can give negative impressions to others • If much of anger is unjustified, it may be dangerous to your health

9. Modeling • Watching another person, and copying what they do • We model after: • parents, • siblings, • people in the media, • people we admire • anyone with which we spend time. • The anger actions may be positive or negative

10. Take out the yellow sheet • As a Group: • Determine which style of learning the anger action is in place. • Use the key to indicate the correct answer

11. Take out the Modeling and Operant Learning Signs • Hold up the sign for what your group decided was the best answer

12. Take out the “Anger…It’s All About You” • Individually, complete the sheet. • You will use the J U S E D later in the lesson • Answer the questions at the bottom

13. Looking at section B… • What are some of the physical signs?

14. Looking at section C • What are some anger actions you have observed?

15. Justified Anger… • You must be able to answer "yes" to all of these questions: • Was it done intentionally? • Would most other people be angry in this same situation? • Does it do you any good to be angry?

16. If you can answer "yes" to all three of these questions, it is justified anger, and deserves your attention. • If you can't….then the anger is unjustified, and not worth the time and effort.

17. Take out the Blue sheet • Have a person read the situations • Determine if the situations would cause justified or unjustified anger.

18. REMEMBER… • You must be able to answer "yes" to all of these questions: • Was it done intentionally? • Would most other people be angry in this same situation? • Does it do you any good to be angry?

19. Take out the Justified and Unjustified signs • Hold up the sign for what your group decided was the best answer

20. Find your “Anger - It’s all about You” sheet. Reading each situation, determine if it was justified or unjustified anger and circle the J or the U.

21. ANGER STYLES!!

22. DIRECT / ASSERTIVE • A POSITIVE anger style • Directing and being Assertive is only appropriate if the anger is justified. • It is important to remember that you can't control what the other person thinks or does but you might help the situation.

23. People who direct anger and are assertive: • Feel more intimate and close in their relationships • Communicate better • Get their message across • Are more likely to be heard. • Generally feel they have made contract in a personal way.

24. Characteristics of a directing situation: • Voice level is not too loud. • Uses good eye contact • Avoids works like: • Always, Never, Ought to, Should, You • Uses "I" messages that center on feelings • Delivered at a time when the statement is likely to be heard • States the message in such a way that the other person is less likely to become defensive.

25. The things included in directing / assertive statements are: • What the person did that caused the anger. • The feelings • The impact (what it does to your life) • What you would like them to do or change.

26. Example: "It worries me when I don't get a phone call and we aren't going to leave when expected. Could you let me know when you are running late?"

27. Stuffing - Passive Behavior • A negative anger style • Moves away from confronting the person or situation • Holds anger inside, trying not to show it • Denies that they are angry • Often says things that deny their feelings as important • Don't have to deal with the consequences of confrontation, reinforces the stuffing/passive behavior.

28. Common reasons for Stuffing - Passive Behavior • Fear of hurting the other person • Think it is inappropriate to be angry • Think they shouldn't be angry with that person • Fear of being rejected • Not able to cope with the emotional impact of interpersonal conflict.

29. Stuffing - Passive Behavior is negative because: • Stuffed anger does not get rid of the problem • Relationships suffer if one or both of the people are stuffers • Stuffing gets in the way of closeness and intimacy • Stuffed anger is expressed anyhow • It's disguised as sarcasm • Intentionally forgets to do something for the person at a later date. • Holding back love • Avoiding the person in the future

30. Stuffed anger can have harmful health effects: • Ulcers • Migraine headaches • Overeating • Under-eating • Depression

31. Examples • "I love this person….I shouldn't be angry?" • "If I let them know I'm angry they will not love me anymore." • "Angry?…No. I'm OK…I'm not really angry." • "They really don't mean to hurt me.”

32. Escalating - Aggressive Behavior • A negative anger style • Escalators begin their sentences with the word "you" in an accusing way. • They blame other people for their anger • Use name calling • Escalators make the situations worse.

33. May rant and rave or use accusatory questions • Use "hard" words like: always, never, should, etc. • Tell other people what they should or shouldn't do.

34. Reasons for Escalating - Aggressive Behavior • To gain control of the other person • To get their way • To cover up low self esteem • For power

35. Negatives Escalating - Aggressive Behavior • Intense anger destroys relationships • May bring violence to relationships • May "get their way" in the short run, but usually the other person will get back at them somehow! • Intense anger makes a person prone to high stress

36. Examples: • "Why did you do that?" • "I can't believe you did that…what were you thinking!?? • "You make me sooooo mad!" • "You are such a loser." • "Only a stupid person like you would do something like that!" • "You never listen." • "You're always late."

37. Take out the “Styles of Anger Chart” Complete using the directions at the top.

38. Take out the 2 white sheets: Color It ! & the colored pencils • Following the directions, use the colored pencils and indicate the three anger styles: • Assertive/Directing • Passive/Stuffing • Aggressive/Escalating

39. Take out the Instruction Papers Place in your notebook.

40. BEING ASSERTIVE… Not Passive Not Manipulating Not Aggressive

41. Assertive - A Positive Communication Style • Asking for what you want directly • Giving people an honest “no” to things you don’t want • Not using people • Not letting yourself be used either • I’m OK & You’re OK • A Win Win situation

42. Aggressive - A NEGATIVE style • Taking what you want • Threatening or forcing • Saying “no” in a way that puts the other person down • Pushes people away or makes them afraid • May violate the other person’s rights • I’m OK - You’re a loser (I win - You Lose)

43. Passiveness - A negative style • Not speaking up when you’d like something • Giving in and saying “yes” when you don’t really want to • Does this to be liked or to not hurt the other person’s feelings • You’re OK - I’m Not OK (You win - I Lose)

44. Manipulation • Can be used if the relationship isn’t important. • Getting what you want in a dishonest way • Doing something so they’ll give you what you want • “I’m tricky, you need to be fooled” • Often considered passive/aggressive

45. Find the 5 laminate strips • There is a situation cards (1-8) and four reaction cards • Distribute the cards to the group. • The person with the situation card reads it to the group. • Each reaction strip and decide which type is represented. AGGRESSIVE, PASSIVE, MANIPULATION & ASSERTIVE

46. One group at a time: • When indicated…each group will come up and stand beneath the sign for the communication type. • One person will read the situation, the group will read in order from worst to best… AggressiveAssertive