Focus on T he Family Q1 Theme MANAGING & RESOLVING CONFLICTS

1. Focus on The Family Q1 ThemeMANAGING & RESOLVING CONFLICTS January 26: Responding to Conflict Situations in The Home

3. Valentine’s Weekend Couples Event • Web Site: • www.ccn.tv/marriagetoday • Promotional Video: • Online • Promotional Video • Hyperlinked • ..\Feb 12-13 Live Simulcast\PromoVideo_High.wmv

4. Event Schedule FRIDAY – February 12, 2010 • Session One: Training Your Mouth for Marriage • Criticism and complaining can become care and concern. • Speaker: Jimmy Evans • Time: 7:00 p.m. – 8:00 p.m. • Q&A: 8:00 p.m. – 8:30 p.m. • Every successful marriage always has one element in common, positive communication. When we say negative words to each other, we loose our sense of purpose and hope for the relationship. In this session, Jimmy will reveal the secrets to understanding the power of words and how to use them to build a great marriage.

5. Event Schedule FRIDAY – February 12, 2010 • Session Two: Don't Talk to Me Like That • Every word makes an impact. • Speaker: Jimmy Evans • Time: 8:30 p.m. – 9:30 p.m. • Q&A: 9:30 p.m. – 10:00 p.m. • Even at birth we are naturally ineffective at communication. From parents to role models, we have all been influenced by imperfect people. It is only when we become aware of these influences that we can overcome them. Through humor and personal experience, Jimmy will expose the ten dysfunctional methods of communication that cause problems in marriage.

6. Event Schedule SATURDAY – February 13, 2010 • Session One: I Wish I Had Their Marriage • God has a purpose for your marriage beyond you. • Speaker: Jimmy Evans • Time: 9:00 a.m. – 10:00 a.m. • Q&A: 10:00 a.m. – 10:30 a.m. • The key to experiencing lasting passion and intimacy is understanding the factors that will determine your success. It doesn't matter what mistakes you have made or what you may have experienced in the past, Jimmy will show you how you can have the kind of marriage that grows deeper the longer you are married. Learn how God wants to use your relationship as a positive example for your family, friends and children.

7. Event Schedule SATURDAY – February 13, 2010 • Session Two: Striking Your Sexual Match • Turn Disappointment into delight. • Speaker: Jimmy Evans • Time: 10:30 a.m. – 11:30 a.m. • Q&A: 11:30 a.m. – 12:00 p.m. • Fulfilling sex in marriage is always intentional and never occurs over a long period of time by chance. Jimmy will uncover the mystery and show you how to ignite the sexual passion and keep the flames burning for a lifetime. Sexual disappointment doesn't have to divide you and your spouse, it can bring you together in a powerful expression of intimacy.

8. Who Should Attend & Where to Attend Seminar • Who should attend? • All married couples and soon-to-be married couples in your church and community • Where to Attend: • RCCG The King’s Palace is one of the 50+ Host Sites

9. Reminder - The Value of a Vision… • “When two people are together in any endeavor in life, it is only possible for them to remain unified and productive if they both share the same vision and purpose. Therefore, it is of paramount importance that every couple hoping to succeed take the time and energy to get God’s vision for their marriage.” – Jimmy Evans (Marriage Today) • Question: • How many families have taken some time out (at home or elsewhere) to use the materials provided to evaluate and define your Family's VISION?

10. Percentage of marriages that reach their 5th, 10th, 15th, 25th, 35th and 50th anniversaries: • 5th: 82% • 10th: 65% • 15th: 52% • 25th: 33% • 35th: 20% • 50th: 5% 20% Divorced b/4 5 yrs 35% Divorced b/4 10 yrs 50% Divorced b/4 15 yrs 70% Divorced b/4 25 yrs 80% Divorced b/4 35 yrs 95% Divorced b/4 50 yrs Number of people divorcing each year is over 2.5 million 8 out of 10 Marriages is under Strain and Stress!

12. US Divorce Statistics • PROJECTION/PREDICTION.This is the Census Bureau's often-cited "50%" rate, the proportion of marriages taking place right now that will eventually divorce • Barna released the results of their poll about divorce on 1999-DEC-21. • 1 They had interviewed 3,854 adults from the 48 contiguous states. The margin of error is ±2 percentage points. The survey found: • Divorce rates among conservative Christians were significantly higher than for other faith groups, and much higher than Atheists and Agnostics experience.

13. US Divorce Statistics • George Barna, president and founder of Barna Research Group, commented: • "While it may be alarming to discover that born again Christians are more likely than others to experience a divorce, that pattern has been in place for quite some time... But the research also raises questions regarding the effectiveness of how churches minister to families. The ultimate responsibility for a marriage belongs to the husband and wife, but the high incidence of divorce within the Christian community challenges the idea that churches provide truly practical and life-changing support for marriages."

14. Objectives • Discussions around issues that results in conflicts in families (i.e. between spouses, parents & children, 3rd party & extended family influence) • In sessions like this people present their “perfect side” • We are not here to judge anyone/family but to learn from each other • Be open to new ideas that could improve your family relationships

15. Format • Well take one topic at a time and hold a discussion + Q&A around that topic for 5-10 minutes • I’ll jot down major issues arising from the discussions… • Specifically we’ll evaluate/discuss • What the Problem is… • What is/are the cause(s)? • What is/are the effects? • What can you/we do in our families to respond-to/ overcome/resolve the challenge?

16. Question #1 • QUESTION: • What factors lead to conflict in families? • between spouses • parent & children • 3rd party • Extended family

17. #1: Misunderstanding • CAUSES: POOR COMMUNICATION • We hear about communication a lot…but what exactly is communication? • The imparting or interchange of thoughts, opinions, or information by speech, writing, or signs • (Unabridged Dictionary) • The exchange of thoughts, messages, or information, as by speech, signals, writing, or behavior. • (American Heritage Dictionary)

18. #1: Misunderstanding • Communication does not occur only when you speak… • Non-verbal communication makes up about 80 percent of any given conversation • “Some researchers have found that nonverbal communication accounts for as much as 80% of communication. That means if you want to improve your interpersonal relationships you must be aware of the way you communicate nonverbally.” • (www.christian-counseling-online.com) • Examples of Nonverbal Communication: • Body language • Facial expressions • Gestures • Behavior

19. #1: Misunderstanding • EFFECTS • Unclear Expectations • What does my spouse expect of me about: • e.g. • The management of our finances? • Intimacy and sexual relationship? • What does my parent/child expect of me about: • e.g. • Spending time together as a family? • Type of friends? • Not communicating expectations and bottling up discontentment • Leads to bitterness • Results in space/distance between family members

20. #1: Misunderstanding • QUESTION: • HOW THEN DO WE ENSURE THAT WE ARE COMMUNICATING EFFECTIVELY IN OUR FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS? • Between • Man & Wife • Parents & Children • With 3rd Parties & Extended Family

21. #1: Misunderstanding • PRACTICAL SOLUTIONS • Understand basic gender differences! • Men look at situation as a whole, while women rely on details and nuances (hints) • Both parties need to actively participate in the communication process to get the best result • Don’t be passive – Remember that 80% of your communication is perceived from what you do (non-verbal), rather than what you actually say • Women pick up on vibes much more easily than men! • Be open and willing to listen attentively (not passively) to each other’s thoughts and opinions in each subject areas/issue

22. #1: Misunderstanding • PRACTICAL SOLUTIONS • Don’t be judgmental! • Don’t try to convince the other party about what you think is right…see this as an opportunity for open dialogue (goes both ways!) in each subject area • Don’t see a time to communicate/discuss as an opportunity “prove your point”, rather as an opportunity to air your feelings/thoughts and obtain feedbacks

23. #2: Strain on Family Time (Family Time vs other activities, such as friends, ministry, work, etc) • Questions: • Should family time be a consideration in building effective relationships? • Are there commitments that results in conflicts to our time with our familiy members? • How should we respond when there is a conflict?

24. #2: Strain on Family Time (Family Time vs other activities, such as friends, ministry, work, etc) • CAUSES: • Over-commitment to “good” things/cause • Service • Ministry • Work/Assignment • Mission/Vision • Time with friends conflicting with family time • Question: • What is your opinion concerning family time vs. other activities (required or desired)

25. #2: Strain on Family Time (Family Time vs other activities, such as friends, ministry, work, etc) • EFFECTS • Unintended “distance” between family members • Not building memories • Children not truly “understanding” their parents & vice versa • Children developing unhealthy relationship • Because they find it difficult to relate in their home

26. #2: Strain on Family Time (Family Time vs other activities, such as friends, ministry, work, etc) • QUESTIONS • How can you ensure that you are spending quality time with members of your family despite the pressure of other commitments and requirements on your time?

27. #2: Strain on Family Time (Family Time vs other activities, such as friends, ministry, work, etc) • PRACTICAL SOLUTIONS • It is not that other activities/events are bad, the point is that you must balance your commitment to activities with your requirement to spend time together as a family • Figure out activities you can do together to spend “quality time” • Note: This may be different for different members of your family! • Take time out for vacation • It does not have to be expensive • Just change your environment and purposely relax

28. #3: Feeling Un-Appreciated • Question: • What is the expectation from women (men), when it comes to your spouse complementing you on what you wear, what you’ve done, etc. • Question: • Should you be concerned about your physical appearance?

29. #3: Feeling Un-Appreciated • CAUSES: • The other party in a relationship feel un-appreciated particularly when they’ve done something, that they feel should catch your attention • Not complementing your spouse, child, parent

30. #3: Feeling Un-Appreciated • EFFECTS • Unhappiness • Broken marriages • Infidelity

31. #3: Feeling Un-Appreciated • Question: • What can you do to show appreciation to members of your family (spouse, children, parents)?

32. #3: Feeling Un-Appreciated • PRACTICAL SOLUTIONS • Don’t compare your spouse to another person • Take care of your physical appearance • Your spouse may not say anything but they appreciate you looking good! • Don’t focus on the “-ves” you see in a family member, look for something to complement/commend

33. #4: Financial Stress/Strain • Question: • Does your family’s finances and the management thereof constitute a cause for concern in your home? • Do you feel like you have a clear goal from a financial point of view that you are working towards?

34. #4: Financial Stress/Strain • CAUSES: • Individual financial behaviors • Emotions • Personality • Individual attitudes about money • Impulsive buying • Excessive materialism • Preoccupation with status or social image • Lack of financial understanding • No family budget • Where there is a budget, actual expenses not tracked for follow-up • Low understanding of investment options & strategy • ROOT CAUSE: POOR FINANCIAL MANAGEMENT SKILLS

35. #4: Financial Stress/Strain • EFFECTS • Research shows that finances have a tremendous impact on family relationships and are often the cause of marital conflict (Blood & Wolfe, 1973). • Researchers in various studies made the following observations: • Finances ranked first or second in four surveys examining the causes of marital conflict • Financial struggles are one of the main causes of divorce in first marriages

36. #4: Financial Stress/Strain • EFFECTS • One study indicated 89 percent of all divorces can be traced to financial arguments • Such research suggests that finances should be considered an important factor in the happiness and stability of the marriage relationship since it is often the cause of disagreement and divorce • Although finances have a major effect on the quality of marital relationships, few people consider it • Money is a difficult topic for married couples to discuss because it involves powerful emotions

37. #4: Financial Stress/Strain • Question • Knowing that family finance causes strain/stress in relationships, how can we manage our finances to avoid such stress in our homes? • Mention Practical Steps That You Can Take…

38. #4: Financial Stress/Strain • PRACTICAL SOLUTIONS • Understanding the connection between money and family relationships • Communicate openly, honestly, and clearly about your family’s finances • This is where your family vision tool will be extremely helpful!!! • Develop a family budget and stick to it (preferably an annual budget) • learn to distinguish between needs and wants

39. #4: Financial Stress/Strain • PRACTICAL SOLUTIONS • Improve your understand of basic financial management • Understand the Time Value of Money • Present Value • Future Value • Have a family financial plan (i.e. where do we want to be financially in 10 years, what do we need to do today to get there) • Understand investment options • Real Estate/Property investment & loan amortization • Stocks/Bonds/Mutual Funds • Evaluate the option of personal/family business ownership • Start Small…It does not have to be a “big idea”

40. Summary • Understand these 4 primary issues that causes family conflicts will go a long way in building harmony & peace in our family relationships • Misunderstanding • Strain on family time • Feeling unappreciated • Financial stress/strain • Q1 Focus on the Family • February 23 • Decoding gender communication differences • March 30 • The conflict free marriage