„WE NEED TO BECOME THE CHANGE WE WANT TO SEE IN THE WORLD.”

„WE NEED TO BECOME THE CHANGE WE WANT TO SEE IN THE WORLD.” - Mahatma Gandhi

NONVIOLENT, COMPASSIONATE COMMUNICATIONDeveloped by Marshall B. Rosenberg This presentation is compiled by Hava Eva Jonai authorized NVC trainer www.emk.hu www.cnvc.org

NONVIOLENT, COMPASSIONATE COMMUNICATION (NVC) THE LANGUAGE OF LIFE • How to speak so others listen? • How to listen so others speak? • How to assert ourselves? • How to solve conflicts? • How to create harmony in ourselvesand with others?

NONVIOLENTCOMPASSIONATE COMMUNICATION(NVC) created by Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D.is a powerfulprocessforinspiringcompassionate connection and action. NVC provides a framework and set of skills to addressrelationshipproblems ranging from the most intimate to global political conflicts. The process of NVC helps connect us with what is alivein ourselves and in others moment-to-moment, with whatwe and others could do to make life more wonderful,and with an awareness of what gets in the way ofnatural giving and receiving. The Center for Nonviolent Communication isa nonprofitglobal organization whose vision isa world where everyone’s needs are met peacefully. Our mission is to contribute to this vision by facilitatingthe creation oflife-serving systems within ourselves,inter-personally and within organizations. We do this by living and teaching the process of NVC.

WORDS CAN BEWINDOWS OR WALLS Conflict is an integral part of life and learning. A disagreement can develop into violent interchange with the possibility of emotional, psychologicaland ultimately physical harm. Alternatively, we can choose to perceive a dispute with trust and goodwill, as „ a dance and flow of communication”, in which the needs of self and others can be explored and fulfilled.

NVC integrates thought and communication patterns which strengthen one’s ability to EXCHANGE RESOURCES AND RESOLVE DIFFERENCES COMPASSIONATELY.

NVC DEVELOPSEMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE (EQ) through enhancing the following skills and abilities: • Intra- and inter-personal skills • Problem solving • Conflict resolution • Stress reduction • Burnout prevention • Self-empowerment • Creating harmonious relationships • Bridging cultural differences

NVC – COMPASSIONATENONVIOLENT COMMUNICATIONtraining strengthens the ability to: • Express ourselves assertively, express values clearly • Listen with empathy, understand other’s values and needs • Handle aggression – understand messages of otherseven when they are expressed in a hostile manner • Respond to neglect • Give and accept criticism • Express and refuse requests • Express unpleasant news in a supportive way • Introduce change so as to minimize resistance • Create harmonious connection with partners, clients, patients, and people within hierarchical systems • Enlist cooperation while introducing change • Mediate inter-group conflicts • Achieve results through goodwill, consensus and cooperation • Express appreciation in ways that can increase morale

THE USE OF NVC IN TEAMWORK CONTRIBUTES TO: • Development of safe space, where everyone feels secure, protected • Encouraging the participation of each member • Studying, working from inner motivation • Honoring people’s autonomy • Solving peer-conflicts • Developing integrity (e.g. no lie - speak the truth) • Listening carefully to instructions. • Leading a group discussionto a decision point (consensus !)

Four ways of receiving (negative) messages • Blaming the other person (”Fight… • Blaming ourselves (…or flight…” • an instinct we inherited from our culture or a new alternative: • SELF EXPRESSION – connecting with our feelings and needs • EMPATHY – connecting to the feelings and needs of the other person If you react as you always reacted you will receive what you always did! (unknown)

Two parts of NVC: SELF- EXPRESSION Honestly expressing what’s alive in me EMPATHY Empathically connecting to what’s alive in the other person (whatever it is)

The AIM of NVC is to create a flow of information and empathy in which both parties enjoy exploring and fulfilling each other’s needs.

Fulfilling this aim I focus on : ”What is alive in me?”and”What can I do to make life more beautiful?”

Behavior has a purpose: to meet needs.All Feelings are signals, to call our attention to our Universal Needs. What is alive in us?

FEELINGSindicate if and how ourUniversal HumanNEEDS (Values)are fulfilled at this moment.All Feelings are signalscalling our attention to our Needs. What is alive in us?

What is alive in us? If we learn to perceive and naturally expressourFEELINGSandNEEDSwe can control our lives effectively.

Four steps of SELF-EXPRESSION What’s alive in me? • Observing the situation without judgment • Expressing my Feelings – without judgment • Expressing my Needs What would make life more beautiful for me? • Expressing my Request(in a concrete, positive form that is do-able at this moment) while making sure that it is just as important for me to fulfil the other person’s needs as mine.

SELF EXPRESSIONmodel When I see / hear / remember you … (expressing the behavior that triggered my feeling) I feel … (e.g. disappointment )… (expressing the feeling) and I need … (e.g. acceptance)… (expressing the need) Would you be willing to... (e.g. tell me what you heard me say)? (I could add: „It would help me to know, if I managed to express myself clearly.”) (brief, positíve, do-able, here-and-now request)

The ABC of REQUESTS A. Would you be willing to tell me what you heard mesay?(Requesting communication: attention is on A’s side) B. Would you be willing to tell me how you feel… what you think? (Requesting communication: attention is on B’s side) C. Would you please tell me if you are willing to… (act this way…) next time? (Requesting concrete action)

Am I making a Request?(I accept ”no” for an answer.) or a Demand?(I do not accept ”no” for an answer.)

EMPATHY Instead of focusingon the other person’s thoughts, listen for their FEELINGS and NEEDS!

Don’t just do – BE!

Some blocks ofEMPATHY: • Moral judgments • Comparison • Analysis • Force, persuasion • Punishment, revange(”They deserve it!”)

What Empathy is NOT Advise, “I think you should…” Agree, “You are right. He is a jerk.” Analyse, “Do you think you might be jealous of her?” Commiserate, “He did that to you, the jerk!” Console, “It wasn’t your fault. You did the best you could.” Correct, “That’s not how it was.” Diagnose, “You are a bit paranoid.” Disagree, “I don’t think it’s hopeless.” Educate, “You can learn from this.” Evaluate “If you hadn’t been so rude…” Explain, “I wanted to call, but”; “She said that only because…” Fix it, “What will help is…” Interrogate, “How did it happen?” Judge, “You are making a mountain out of a molehill.” Logic, “Most people with diabetes live happy, productive lives.” One-up “You should hear what happened to…” Philosophise, “Everything happens for a reason.” Praise, “You are a strong person. You’ll do just fine!” Reassure, “Don’t worry, he’ll call you.” Shut down, “Don’t worry about it.” Story telling, “That reminds me of the time…” Sympathize, “You poor thing. I feel awful foryou.” Take blame “Sorry I should have…”

„Judgments are tragic expressions of our needs” Marshall B. Rosenberg

If we treat human beings the way they arethey become worse thanthey really are. If we treat people the way theywould like to be we help them to become what they are capable of. Goethe

EMPATHY I focus on how you are without hearing judgment or criticism. I receive your request with compassion without hearing demand – I hear only what would make your life more beautiful.

Empathy is: • Compassionateattention that creates a flow of energy extended toward another or oneself • Presence – a way of BEING rather than something one does • Bringing oneself fully into the present momentas it is experienced by the other – without everlosing oneself • Focusing totally on the other without taking on their feelings as your own or dwelling on your feelings or thoughts about the interchange • Connecting with another as they are, withoutany judgment: therefore without agreement or disagreement

Characteristics ofEMPATHY: He/she perceives and understandsthe other person’s feelings, whilebeing able to keep in touch withhis/her own feelings. A compassionate person aims at understanding the situation thattriggered the other person’s feelings. He/she makes sure the other person feels secure and understood.

Four steps of EMPATHY What’s alive in you? • Observing the situation without hearing judgment. • Listening to your Feelings – without hearing judgment. • Listening for your Needs. What would make life more beautiful for you? • Listening to your Request.

The EMPATHY model When you see / hear / remember…, (listening for the behavior that triggered your feeling) you feel … (e.g. disappointment ) … (listening for the feeling) and you need … (e.g. acceptance)? (listening for the need) Would you like me to...(e.g. tell you what I heard you say)? (offering feedback)

SUMMARYSome of the areas of awareness and skillsdeveloped by the use of NVC: • Non-reaction in the external world: suspending reaction, noticing and observing inner reaction (physical reactions and feelings) • Using self-help techniques if necessary(watching breath, drinking water, leaving the spot, going for a walk, stretching, etc.) • OBSERVATION CONSCIOUSNESS (O): Making a (verbal) statement of observation discerning observation from interpretation, judgment • FEELINGS CONSCIOUSNESS (F): Using vocabulary of feelings discerning feelingsfrom thoughts, interpretations, judgments • NEEDS CONSCIOUSNES (N): When looking for cause of feeling we shift focus from external objects (situations, actions, interpretations) to values using vocabulary of needs/values (positive, impersonal, non-action, abstract expressions) • REQUEST CONSCIOUSNESS: Making a request - discerning requests from demands • Empathizing - giving and asking for feedback regarding Observation-Feeling-Need • Using “NO” constructively: giving and receiving “NO” with consciousness of Observation-Feeling-Need

EMOTIONAL SLAVERY Taking responsibility for other people’s feelings „THE MONSTER” Feeling angry and fed up with beingresponsible for other people’s feelings EMOTIONAL LIBERATION Taking responsibility for own intentions and actions EMPATHY Taking responsibility for self, while other people’s well-being is just as important.

How can Ilet you know that I VALUE YOURWELL-BEING JUST AS MUCHAS MINE?

Every moment I canmake a decision: Do I want to be right, or do I choose love… („A Course in Miracles”) When I am right the other person is wrong … In love there is no winning and losing, we are together!

THE GEM OF NVC CELEBRATION GRATITUDE What do I notice… What do I feel… What need of mine is being fulfilled…

„WE NEED TO BECOME THE CHANGE WE WANT TO SEE IN THE WORLD.”