Transforming the Story of I and We

Transforming the Story of I and We Experiencing the Grace-filled Power of Presence and Curiosity

Ralph and Marie How and what Ralph learned about the grace-filled power of presence and curiosity Create a real-time experience

Ralph Marie Married - 22 years 19 and 17 year old children 1 Terrier named Hercules

Their Engagement Engage - ment – engage – attract attention; show opportunity of - ment - the act or process Engagement – the act or process of attracting your attention and showing you the opportunity of marrying me

Internal experience is “shared” at Level 2 2 Levels of Engagement Level 1 Level 2 Level 2

Level 1 All things that are accessible by the 5 senses; human behavior including body language (external experience) Level 2 Thoughts, feelings, emotions and physical sensations (internal experience)

Internal experience is “shared” at Level 2 2 Levels of Engagement Level 1 Level 2 Level 2

Internal experience is “shared” at Level 2 At level 1, what did you do to attract your partner’s attention and show her the great opportunity she would have by marrying you? Level 1 At level 2, what do you remember about the internal experience of your engagement? Level 2 Level 2

Internal experience is “shared” at Level 2 I and I creates WE Level 1 I I Level 2 WE Level 2

Internal experience is “shared” at Level 2 I / WE Level 1 I I I Level 2 WE Level 2

Internal experience is “shared” at Level 2 WE / I Level 1 I I I Level 2 WE Level 2

Internal experience is “shared” at Level 2 WE / I I need to reboot my relationship! Level 1 I I Level 2 WE Level 2

Reboot re – again, anew, once more boot – improvement, remedy, advantage, benefit, good Reboot – to benefit anew, to remedy again, to improve once more t

Internal experience is “shared” at Level 2 I saw her as an individual. I was curious about her. I wanted to engage her interest in me. I

Do I really know the story of her life as an individual since she and I became we? Have I shared the story of my life as an individual since she and I became we?

Some of the “we-ness” stories Ralph uncovered as he begin to really become aware of himself interacting with Marie: • I am responsible for making her feel better when she is upset or unhappy • When I think/feel that she thinks/feels that I don’t pay attention to details, I think she feels I don’t care about what she tells me.

In his prayers, he realized that all he had to do was what Jesus did in his relationships: 1. Saw and treated every person as an “I”, an individual with a story, while using “I” whenever He spoke 2. Expressed a profound curiosity about the individual stories He heard people tell Him; He sought to understand 3. Engaged individuals, showing each one the opportunity each would have by being in relationship with Him

Transforming the Story of I and We Internal experience is “shared” at Level 2 Experience the Grace-filled Power of Presence and Curiosity Level 1 Level 2 Level 2

The Power of Curiosity Curiosity – from Latin “curiosus” meaning full of care WHY

When I see . . . . I think . . . When I hear you describe . . . I think . . . When you tell me about . . . . I imagine . . What was that like for you? How did you. . . . ? Could you tell me more about . . .?

Open-ended curious questions Very helpful for understanding Marie when she used adverbs such as good, great, bad, unusual, not fun, etc. to describe what she liked or didn’t like, wanted or didn’t want

A Real-time Experience of I and We An exercise in presence and curiosity • 15 minutes in total for the couples’ exercise and 5 minutes of reflection together • Each individual will take a turn being the speaker and the listener (about 7 minutes each) • After the exercise is done (and if we have time), you will share your individual felt experience with another couple (pick that couple now)

As the listener, you are asked to do three things: • Monitor your anxiety (level 2) while your partner is speaking • Be curious (avoid why). Seek to understand your partner’s experience and story • Be present – body and eyes

As the speaker, you are asked to do three things: • Talk about a challenge or difficulty you are currently having in your life • Monitor your own anxiety (level 2) and be aware of any discomfort you feel if your partner behaves differently from the pattern you have known (example) • Stretch your openness and speak from the “I” that is your story and experience

Speaker: 1. Talk about a challenge or difficulty you are currently having in your life 2. Monitor your own anxiety (level 2) and be aware of any discomfort you feel if your partner behaves differently from the pattern you have known 3. Stretch your openness and speak from the “I” that is your experience • Listener: • Monitor your anxiety (level 2) while your partner is speaking • Be curious (avoid why). Seek to understand your partner’s experience and story • Be present – body and eyes

A narrated version of this Powerpoint presentation will be available on one of my websites within about 4 weeks. If you want to access it you will need an access code and the web address Just email me at bdesroches@att.netto obtain this and I will contact you with the information when it is ready.

A Few Considerations • You will feel awkward and uncomfortable • (it’s a thumb thing) 2. Your partner will feel awkward and uncomfortable (another thumb thing) 3. Be aware of the question Jesus asked so often: What do you want?

Give your hearts, but not into each other’s keeping. For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts. And stand together yet not too near together; For the pillars of the temple stand apart, And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.

Transforming the Story of I and We