How Prevalent Are Affairs?

1. Rebuilding IntimacyAfter an AffairDouglas K. Snyder, Ph.D.Texas A&M UniversityIn collaboration with:Donald Baucom, Ph.D., University of North CarolinaKristina Gordon, Ph.D., University of Tennessee

2. How Prevalent Are Affairs? • Lifetime occurrence of sexual infidelity: 21% men; 11% women • Rates of emotional infidelity are double: 44% men; 25% women • 2nd leading cause of divorce for women and 3rd leading cause for men • Therapists report as 3rd most difficult issue to treat

3. What Defines An Affair? • Physical non-monogamy: Occurs along a continuum of physical involvement • Emotional non-monogamy: Characterized by emotional intimacy, secrecy, and sexual chemistry • Betrayal: Violation of relational standard (implicit or explicit) regarding physical or emotional exclusivity

4. Three Stage Model of Recovery • Stage I - Absorbing the blow • Stage II - Giving meaning, establishing new assumptions • Stage III - Moving forward

5. Characteristics of Successful Process • Gaining a fuller and balanced understanding of event(s) • Not remaining preoccupied with the traumatic events • Giving up the right to continuously punish the person who has “wronged” you • Reaching informed decision whether to maintain or terminate the relationship

6. PTSD Symptoms

7. Empathy

8. Global Commitment

9. Goals of the Initial Session • Establish safety and trust • Demonstrate competence • Expertise regarding affairs and recovery process • Obtaining relevant information • Prepare for future sessions

10. Addressing Initial Crises Contain immediate crises: • Verbal or physical aggression • Immediate decisions regarding boundaries • Immediate self-care needs

11. Brian and Angela – Summary • Brian 29, injured partner; Angela 26, participating partner • Married 6 years; sons ages 3 and 1 • Affair – two months’ duration. • Marital history and shared work history. • Individual histories: • Angela: Adopted, mother died age 18 • Brian: Oldest of 3 siblings; college drop-out

12. Video – Initial Session • Emphasis on: • Current status of couple relationship • Status of outside relationship • Efforts to set boundaries

13. Treatment Goals for Stage I • Re-establish some form of “equilibrium” for the couple and individuals • Reduce emotional upset • Establish behavioral routines • Minimize additional damage to either individual or the couple– “damage control” • Minimize hurtful behaviors between the partners • Minimize either partner creating problems with the outside world

14. Discussing Impact of the Affair • What assumptions have been violated about who your partner is and what to expect from your relationship? • What standards for your marriage (how partners should behave) have been violated? • What does the affair mean about your partner, the relationship, and you? • What emotions are you experiencing, and what ideas go with those feelings? • Given these thoughts and feelings, what behaviors have changed or have been disrupted?

15. Flashback Guidelines • Clarify whether emotional upset is due to something currently upsetting or re-experiencing feelings from past • Let your partner know what is happening (e.g., driving by the hotel triggered old feelings) • Let your partner know what you need at present (e.g., being held; being left alone; talking about it) • Balance how much you talk with partner about flashbacks with other ways to handle on your own

16. Treatment Goals for Stage II • Identify factors that potentially contributed to “vulnerability” or “risk” of affair • Prepare groundwork for additional change

17. Treatment Strategies for Stage II • Present rationale • Potential benefits and risks of doing this • Examine potential factors successively • Relationship factors • Stressors from outside the marriage • Individual susceptibilities or contributions • Participating partner • Injured partner • Develop shared, comprehensive formulation

18. Rationale for Exploring Context • For injured partner • Restores predictability • Potentially “softens” view of participating partner • Contributes to appropriate self-awareness • For participating partner • Broadens explanations for hurtful behavior • Contributes to appropriate self-awareness • For couple • May facilitate collaborative efforts at addressing relationship and outside factors

19. Conceptual Model Prior to Affair During/After Affair Negative influences High conflict; Pursuit by outsider; and stressors low intimacy retributions Positive qualities Warmth of PP; Responsible increasing risk trust from IP “caring” for OP Absence of Inadequate Lack of couple protective factors attention to friends relationship

20. Challenges to Stage II • Confusing “understanding” with “excusing” • Reactivity of injured partner • Reluctance to examine relationship or own factors • Preoccupation with “why” • Reactivity of participating partner • Reluctance to hurt injured partner further • Intolerance for sustained distress • Differences in time-lines for two partners

21. Preparing a Formulation: What to Include • Emphasize multiple contributing factors • Vulnerabilities or risks from multiple domains • Both historical (developmental) and recent • Different factors at different stages of affair • Cite reductions in risk already achieved • Propose additional steps to be pursued

22. Preparing a Formulation: How to Create It • Formulations from each partner individually • Formulations developed jointly • By couple together at home • With therapist during treatment session • Regardless of how developed, share and discuss during treatment session

23. Video – Formulation Session • Formulation for Brian and Angela emphasizes: • Individual and relationship strengths • Exposure to normative and unique stressors • Interaction of stressors with partner vulnerabilities • Implications for moving forward • Communication challenges for both partners • Steps toward balancing relational needs

24. Treatment Goals for Stage III • Strengthening progress from Stages I and II • Discussing forgiveness and blocks to forgiving or “moving on” • Deciding whether or not to continue the relationship • Either making the necessary changes to rebuild the relationship or working on a healthy termination

25. Treatment Strategies for Stage III Strengthening work from Stages I and II • Partners discuss how their understanding has changed since they began treatment • Couple identifies what needs to change in the relationship, based on what they have learned • Therapist summarizes and gives feedback

26. Common Beliefs about Forgiveness • Forgiveness means staying together • Forgiveness means excusing the partner or saying what happened does not matter • Forgiveness means forgetting or no longer feeling any anger about what has happened • Forgiveness is weak or approving what happened • Forgiveness must be granted immediately, particularly if person has apologized • One should not/must not forgive one’s partner for certain types of betrayals: affairs, violence, lies ...

27. Our Model of Forgiveness • Forgiveness is not: • Excusing or forgetting the affair • Reconciling or staying together • An immediate or one-time event • Forgiveness is: • A process • An opportunity to gain in understanding about your partner, your relationship, and yourself • A release from being controlled by negative thoughts, feelings, and behaviors

28. Treatment Strategies for Stage III Deciding whether to continue relationship • Discuss changes that would need to occur for relationship to continue • Discuss evidence supporting their ability to make the desired changes • Discuss partner’s motivation and willingness to make the changes • Help them think through what they wish to do

29. Questions for Evaluating the Relationship • Is the affair isolated event or ongoing pattern? • Has participating partner been able to make difficult changes in the past? • Has the injured partner been able to make similar changes? • Has participating partner accepted responsibility for his/her own actions? • Are both partners willing to make the necessary changes? In themselves? In the relationship?

30. Video – Forgiveness Session • Emphasis on: • Brian reads his letter of forgiveness • Angela responds to letter • Partners exchange pledges to move on

31. Available at: Self-Esteem Shop Douglas K. Snyder, Ph.D., Department of Psychology Texas A&M University, College Station, TX 77843-4235 Email: d-snyder@tamu.edu