Jump Start Communication after Deployment

1. Jump Start Communication after Deployment FACILITATOR’S NAME: Leslie Robinson DATE: July, 2014

2. Communication is impacted 7% by words, 38% by voice qualities, and 55% by body movements. - A. Barbour “Louder than Words: Nonverbal Communication”

3. PERFECT COMMUNICATION http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_JmA2ClUvUY

4. Objectives • Recognize the components of effective communication. • Discuss best practices for effective communication. • Apply communication tips to ease reintegration after deployment

5. Setting the Stage for Communication • Respect • Active Effort • Timing • No Attacks • “I” messages • Be Honest

7. WHY DOES COMMUNICATION MATTER? • Love and Intimacy are at the root of what makes us sick and what makes us well. • Connections with other people affect not only the quality of our lives, but also our survival.

8. YOU vs. “I” YOU MESSAGE: YOU are not listening to what I am saying! “I” MESSAGE: I feel frustrated when I have to repeat my point because I think I am not being heard.

9. Setting the Stage for Communication • Respect • Active Effort • Timing • No Attacks • “I” messages • Be Honest

10. Communication Skill Tips Exercise Verbal– what do you need to consider when speaking to someone? Non-verbal– what do you need to consider about body language? Listening– what do good listeners do? Feedback– what is feedback? What makes it effective? Manage Stress – what can you do if you start to get upset during communication?

11. Verbal Communication Tips • Think before you speak • Make eye contact • Be specific and clear • Be concise • Be positive • Verbal Modeling

12. Nonverbal Communication Tips • Reading nonverbal communication • Practice observing people • Be aware of individual differences • Look at nonverbal signals as a group • Using nonverbal communication • Use nonverbal signals that match your words • Adjust you nonverbal signals to the context • Use body language to convey positive feelings

13. NON-VERBAL COMMUNICATION GONE WRONG • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3YxXsQMAvWg

14. As a listener your role is to understand what is being said. Ask questions to clarify certain points. Reflect what has been said by paraphrasing. “What I am hearing is” and “Sounds like what you are saying” are great ways to reflect back.

15. Active Listening Tips • Focus fully on the speaker • Avoid interrupting • Avoid appearing judgmental • Show your interest • Provide feedback

16. Feedback Tips • Restate the original content and feeling (Parrot/Paraphrase) • Don’t express opinion as fact • Explain your reasons • Ask questions • Be courteous • Critique the content not the person • Respond, don’t react

17. Manage Stress during Communication • Recognize you are becoming stressed • Take a moment to calm down • Bring senses to the rescue • Look for humor • Be willing to compromise • Agree to disagree

18. Handling Communication When You Are Upset • 48 hour rule • Stop • Think • Talk • Listen

19. Objectives • Recognize the components of effective communication. • Discuss best practices for effective communication. • Apply communication tips to ease reintegration after deployment

20. Make sure children know they are loved. Whenever there is distress in a family, children assume responsibility for it. They may feel responsible that a parent has gone away, or feel that the parent does not love them any more. Providing consistent, loving assurance will help alleviate this.

21. SHARE FEELINGS • Children often lack the vocabulary to share their feelings. • It will help if parents talk about their own feelings which will help children communicate their feelings. • Let your child know that even negative thoughts and feelings are OK and normal.

22. 0-12 months - Common Reactions: * Cries, fusses • Pulls away/doesn't recognize the returning parent • Clings to the other parent or caregiver • Eating and sleeping habits change • May have bowel/ bladder problems To help your child cope with their emotions & reestablish family connections: * Reconnect and bond by proving physical care, such as holding and feeding your baby • Be patient

23. 1-3 years: Common Reactions: • Cries for no apparent reason • May not recognize the returning parent and prefers the other parent or caregiver • Is shy and hesitant with the returning parent • Regresses (returns to old behaviors, for example: if toilet-trained, may begin having accidents) To help your child cope with their emotions & reestablish family connections: • Give your child space and time to warm up • Sit and play at their level (play on the floor with them) • Be gentle and fun; speak with a soft voice

24. 3-5 years: Common Reactions: • Demonstrates anger • Acts out to get attention • Is demanding and whiney • Feels guilty that they "made Mom or Dad go away" • Talks nonstop to the returning parent to let them know what's going on To help your child cope with their emotions & reestablish family connections: • Listen to your child without criticism • Accept your child's thoughts and feelings • Play games with your child that he/she chooses • Find out about the new things in your child's life (friends, books, a TV show, a new sport, etc.)

25. 5-12 years: Common Reactions: • Is angry about the returning parent being gone • Worries about the returning parent disciplining them • Acts out to seek the returning parent's attention • Wants to tell the returning parent everything they did while they were gone • To help your child cope with their emotions & reestablish family connections: • Praise your child's accomplishments since you've been gone • Let your child show you his/her school work, pictures or scrapbooks • Be positive; try not to criticize past negative behaviors • Get involved in your child's education and activities

26. 12-18 years Common Reactions: • Acts like they don't care even though they may be excited • Worries about change in rules • Concerned they have not lived up to the returning parent's standards • Angry To help your child cope with their emotions & reestablish family connections: * Share age-appropriate, positive deployment experiences, such as stories about the country and culture where you were stationed • Listen to your child's stories with undivided attention • Be positive; try not to criticize or be judgmental of new interests and friends. • Respect your child's privacy • Get involved in your child's education and activities

27. Visit online support resources, such asMilitary Kids Connect, an online community of military children that provides access to age-appropriate resources to support children from pre-deployment through a parent's or caregiver's return. Watch informative videos about the entire deployment cycle, such as: Sesame Workshop's Talk, Listen, Connect (ages 3-5) Mr. Poe and Friends Discuss Family Reunion After Deployment(ages 6-11) When Family Members Deploy(ages 12-17) Order booklets to share with your children about deployments from Military One Source, such as Home Again, I'm Here for You Now,  Over There (Daddy Version) and Over There (Mommy Version).

28. COMMUNICATION WITH TEENS • Distance and explosiveness are often the only ways your teen knows how to communicate when things get intense—which of course only causes more conflict. • The more you push teens, the more they get defensive and dig in their heels; they become reactive in the form of explosiveness or shutting down.

29. WHAT TO DO? • No matter how hard it might be, try to start all interactions with your child with understanding, even if you don’t fully agree or even quite comprehend what they're talking about. • Start from a place of understanding, and try to put yourself in your child’s shoes first before telling him or her what needs to change. I’ve found that doing this tends to “open kids’ ears.” Instead of feeling like they have to defend themselves against you, they actually listen.

30. Emotion is your enemy when you’re trying to get through to your teen. Remind yourself that what he or she says and does is not a reflection on you. You may not like how he’s behaving—or even how he’s thinking—but keep your emotions out of it, even if his or her behavior impacts you. • He or she may be making a poor choice, but the truth is, he or she might not yet have the skill set to make a better one. So your job is to help guide him or her to better choices so he or she can in turn develop a better skill set. • Tell yourself that this is simply a problem to solve, and part of “parenting business as usual.”

31. Ask curious questions…not loaded questions. • Don’t ask loaded questions that put your teen on the defensive like, “Why can’t you get up on time? What’s wrong with you?” Instead, try opening a conversation with, “Eli, do you have any ideas for how you might get up on time?” • If he or she says they doesn’t know, offer a few of your own and ask which one would work for him or her. Let your teen know that his or her problems are theirs to solve. Don’t step into their “box.” Rather, you are there to help them figure out solutions.

32. Don’t do anything until you're both calm. It’s never good to try to bring up a difficult subject or resolve a conflict in the heat of the moment. Another rule of thumb is to avoid doing anything until you and your child have both calmed down. When emotions have evened out, you can sit down and talk with him or her.

33. Respond in a way your children will hear • Soften strong reactions; kids will tune you out if you appear angry or defensive. • Express your opinion without putting down theirs; acknowledge that it's okay to disagree. • Resist arguing about who is right. Instead say, "I know you disagree with me, but this is what I think." • Focus on your child's feelings rather than your own during your conversation.

34. War Zone Skills Do not AUTOMATICALLY change when Service Member comes home

35. Mission Oriented

36. Safety and Trust

37. Emotions and Anger

38. Authority

39. Response Tactics

40. Jump Start Communication after Deployment FACILITATOR’S NAME: Leslie Robinson DATE: July, 2014