How to Listen so Parents will Talk and Talk so Parents will Listen

1. How to Listen so Parents will Talk and Talk so Parents will Listen Working Effectively with Parents John Sommers-Flanagan, Ph.D.Department of Counselor Education, University of Montana – john.sf@mso.umt.edu Tip sheets and resources: johnsommersflanagan.com

2. Why a Workshop on Working with Parents? • Opening survey • Maybe . . . • It’s easy to be afraid of (or angry at) parents • Parents have special needs and interests • Parents can be very critical consumers • Parents sometimes say things that throw us off our helping/counseling game (Bite-back)

3. Workshop Overview • This workshop is rated “PG” • A blend of personal discoveries and evidence • Caveats and excuses • This is YOUR workshop • Talking and not talking • Communicate respectfully • We will never get finished

4. Role Play Volunteer • Just come up and tell me about (and you can exaggerate) some hassles you’re facing at work.

5. A Way of Being with Parents • The Principles • Empathic understanding – Avoid premature problem-solving • Radical acceptance – Avoid judgment • Collaboration – Work with, not on • Summary: Listen before you educate

6. Empathy • Two forms of empathy with parents • General – It’s hard to be a parent; parents are judged – Dear Abby example • Specific – Clean your room story • Some parents REALLY NEED to tell you a parenting story

7. Radical Acceptance as Attitude • Radical Acceptance as an Attitude (from DBT) “I accept you as you are and am fully committed to helping you change” • Don’t say this, but use it especially when parents say something extreme

8. Radical Acceptance as Skill • Parent Volley: “I know it’s not popular, but I believe in spanking. When I was a kid, if I talked back I’d be picking myself up off the floor. Kids don’t have any discipline these days and as a parent, I have a right to parent my kids any way I want.” • Teacher/Counselor Return: “Thanks for being so honest about what you’re thinking. Lots of people believe in spanking and I’m glad you’re being straight with me about your beliefs.”

9. Radical Acceptance Follow-Up • Parent Response: “Yeah. Okay.” • Teacher/Counselor Return: “But I’m not all that positive about the picking yourself up off the floor thing.” • Parent Response: “Oh no. I didn’t mean I think that’s right.”

10. Practicing Radical Acceptance • Group participation – Volunteer example • Thank you . . . because . . . • What words work well for you? • Practice this . . . It won’t just happen spontaneously

11. Collaboration • How do we facilitate collaboration? • Collaboration as an attitude: Not knowing or understanding too quickly [Difficult] • Ask permission • Tell parents YOU WANT TO work with them • Tell parents you respect their knowledge

12. In Sum: The Philosophy • Because parents are vulnerable . . . • We are empathic, accepting, collaborative • We look for positive goals and love [Reframe] underneath anger and imperfect parenting • We join with the most difficult parents to help them support their children’s education

13. Self-Preparation • Preparing for button-pushing • Responding to questions about your credentials or competence (or lack of parenthood) • Self-disclosure: When and how much and what kind? [Joining, empathic]

14. Initial Contact, Connection, and Assessment • Meet, greet, and comfort: What do you use to countercondition fear? • Role induction: As needed, explain the terrain • If needed, obtain and provide a problem description (homework, classroom behavior)

15. Video Clip 1 • Watch for: • Expressions of support and compliments • Identifying goals • Backward behavior modification

16. Understanding the Parent-Teacher-Adult Influence Model • What parents want • Parents generally want to know how to be a positive force or influence in their children’s lives . . . So their children turn out relatively happy and free (e.g., not in prison)

17. Approaches to Power/Influence • Direct Power: Behavior modification, etc. • Indirect Power: Modeling, manipulating • Problem-Solving Power: Mutual problem-solving; solution-focused questions • Relationship Power: Special time

18. Parenting Techniques • The new attitude (eliminate the dread) • Grandma’s Rule and passionate rewards and boring punishment (direct power) • Character feedback (indirect power) • Special time (relationship power) • Mutual problem-solving (problem-solving power)

19. Video Clip 2 • Watch for: • Who’s talking now • What parent-child dynamics are being addressed • Mutual problem-solving

20. Closing Comments • What will you remember? • What will you try out? • You’re the kind of teachers/counselors

21. For Free Parenting Tip Sheets and Homework Assignments go to: • To access 10 tip sheets and/or “follow” John’s blog go to: johnsommersflanagan.com

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