How to Listen so Parents will Talk and Talk so Parents will Listen

1. How to Listen so Parents will Talk and Talk so Parents will Listen Working Effectively with Parents John Sommers-Flanagan, Ph.D.Department of Counselor EducationUniversity of Montana – johnsf44@gmail.com For tip sheets and resources: johnsommersflanagan.com

2. Why a Workshop on Working with Parents? • Maybe . . . • It’s easy to be afraid of (or angry at) parents • Parents have special needs and interests • Parents can be very critical consumers • Parents sometimes say things that throw us off our helping/counseling game (Bite-back)

3. Workshop Overview • This workshop is rated “PG” • A blend of personal discoveries and evidence • Caveats and excuses • This is YOUR workshop • Talking and not talking • Communicate respectfully • Opening survey • We will never get finished

4. Opening Story • The Portland VA Hospital – 1984 • Basic common sense conclusion • One of the best ways to provoke people into behaving in threatening ways is to ________________.

5. The Foundation • The foundation for working effectively with parent boils down to using your common relationship sense • Avoid being too bossy • Avoid being insulting • Avoid telling people they’re being stupid or silly • Avoid backing people into corners • Be respectful . . . And DO NOT live by the Satanic Golden Rule

6. A Way of Being with Parents • The Principles • Empathic understanding • Radical acceptance • Collaboration • Summary: Listen before you educate

7. Empathy • Two forms of empathy with parents • General – It’s hard to be a parent; parents are judged • Specific – Clean your room story • Some parents will REALLY NEED to tell you a parenting story

8. Radical Acceptance as Attitude • Radical Acceptance as an Attitude (from DBT) “I completely accept you as you are and am fully committed to helping you change for the better” • We use this especially when parents say something extreme

9. Radical Acceptance as Skill • Parent Volley: “I know it’s not popular, but I believe in spanking. When I was a kid, if I talked back I’d be picking myself up off the floor. Kids don’t have any discipline these days and as a parent, I have a right to parent my kids any way I want.” • Teacher/Counselor Return: “Thanks for being so honest about what you’re thinking. Lots of people believe in spanking and I’m glad you’re being straight with me about your beliefs.”

10. Radical Acceptance Follow-Up • Parent Response: “Yeah. Okay.” • Teacher/Counselor Return: “But I’m not all that positive about the picking yourself up off the floor thing.” • Parent Response: “Oh no. I didn’t mean I think that’s right.”

11. Practicing Radical Acceptance • Group participation – Volunteer example • Thank you . . . because . . . • Practice with a partner

12. Collaboration • How do we facilitate collaboration? • Collaboration as an attitude: Not knowing or understanding too quickly • Holding back your pearls of wisdom • “Expert” dance with a parent as your partner

13. In Sum: The Philosophy • Because parents are vulnerable . . . • We are supportive, positive, and validating • We work to see the positive goals and love underneath anger and imperfect parenting • We join with even the most difficult parents to help them support their children’s education

14. Self-Preparation • Preparing for button-pushing: Just like with challenging students • Responding to questions about your credentials or competence • Self-disclosure: When and how much and what kind? [Joining, empathic]

15. Initial Contact, Connection, and Assessment • Meet, greet, and comfort (Mary Cover Jones: What did she use to extinguish fear?): What do you use? • Role induction: As needed, explain the terrain • Share power through collaboration • Honoring the parent as expert • If needed, obtain and provide a problem description (homework, classroom behavior)

16. Initial Contact, Connection, and Assessment • Expressing support, offering compliments (examples), and using universality • Identifying goals • Listening for backwards behavior modification

17. Video Clip 1 • Watch for: • Anything that seems comforting or reassuring • Complimenting • Goal-setting • Parent-child dynamics (e.g., backward behavior modification)

19. Understanding the Parent-Teacher-Adult Influence Model • What parents want • Parents generally want to know how to be a positive force or influence in their children’s lives . . . So their children turn out relatively happy and free (e.g., not in prison)

20. Approaches to Power/Influence • Direct Power: Behavior modification, etc. • Indirect Power: Modeling, manipulating • Problem-Solving Power: Mutual problem-solving • Relationship Power: Special time

21. Practical Parenting Interventions • The new attitude (eliminate the dread) • Grandma’s Rule and passionate rewards and boring punishment (direct power) • Character feedback (indirect power) • Seven magic choice theory words (relationship power): “I want you . . . but it’s your choice . . . • Mutual problem-solving (problem-solving power)

22. Video Clip 2 • Watch for: • Who’s talking now • What parent-child dynamics are being addressed • Mutual problem-solving

24. Closing Comments • What will you remember? • What will you try out? • You’re the kind of teachers/counselors

25. For Free Parenting Tip Sheets and Homework Assignments go to: • http://www.wiley.com/WileyCDA/WileyTitle/productCd-1118012968,descCd-DOWNLOAD.html • To access 10 tip sheets and/or “follow” John’s blog go to johnsommersflanagan.wordpress.com or johnsommersflanagan.com

26. A Few References • Gershoff, E. T. (2002). Corporal punishment by parents and associated child behaviors and experiences: A meta-analytic and theoretical review. Psychological Bulletin, 128(4), 539-579. • Holcomb-McCoy, C., & Bryan, J. (2010). Advocacy and Empowerment in parent consultation: Implications for theory and practice. Journal of Counseling and Development, 88, 259-268. • Johnson, D. C., Harrison, B. C., Burnett, M. F., & Emerson, P. (2003). Deterrents to participation in parenting education. Family & Consumer Sciences Research Journal, 31, 403-424. • Lassally, R. (2009). True mom confessions: Real moms get real. New York: Penguin Group

27. A Few More References • Murphy, J. J. (2008). Solution-focused counseling in middle and high schools. Alexandria, VA: American Counseling Association. • Sommers-Flanagan, J. (2011). How to listen so parents will talk and talk so parents will listen. Hoboken, NJ: Wiley. • Sommers-Flanagan, J. (2007). Single-session consultations for parents: A preliminary investigation. The Family Journal 15, 24-29. • Sommers-Flanagan, R., & Sommers-Flanagan, J. (2003). Problem child or quirky kid. Minneapolis: Free Spirit. • Vazquez, C. I. (2004). Parenting with pride Latino Style. New York: Harper-Collins