Calm Couples ™ Marriage Restoration 10 Keys to a Healthy Marriage

1. Calm Couples™ Marriage Restoration10 Keys to a Healthy Marriage Presented by Kirk Martin Executive Director, Celebrate!Calm February 4, 2009

2. About Celebrate!Calm • Leading educational organization based in Washington, D.C. • Serve clients in 27 countries. • Brain Boosters™ curriculum used in over 1,300 schools. • Calm Kids™ curriculum used in over 12,000 homes. • 2,500 children listening to empowering CD’s. • Calm Couples™ curriculum used in 125 churches.

3. About Celebrate!Calm / Kirk Martin • Founder and Director of Education • Partnerships with PH.D’s in special education, leading research scientists, psychiatrists, psychologists and therapists. • Published author of four books, numerous articles and a newsletter read weekly by 8,000 parents and teachers. • Worked directly with over 1,500 intense children and families through innovative Camps in the Martins’ home. • Equipped 45,000 teachers, parents and students with unrivaled insight and interventions through workshops across North America. • Featured in The Washington Post, USA TODAY and dozens of newspapers; appeared on WGN-TV, Good Morning, New York and National Public Radio.

4. Marriages need a new road map • Many couples make a wrong turn and find themselves lost. • Instead of asking for directions, keep driving. • Don’t need a new car or new driver. • Need a road map to get us back on track.

5. Why should we fight for marriages? • Greatest, most important gift can give children. • Teach children how to forgive, reconcile and problem solve. • Model relationships. • Opportunity to be mature and grow up.

6. How we got here:5 lies & misleading signposts • Lie # 1: Your spouse is supposed to make you happy. • If I depend on my wife to make me happy, become powerless. • I don’t want to be my wife’s “everything.” I don’t want to be her sun and moon. Am I that arrogant? • Unfair to each of us. Too much pressure on self and wife. • Lie # 2: Your spouse should know what you want without you telling him or her. • We should understand our spouse, but not be mind-readers. • Idea perpetuated by novels classified as “fiction” for a purpose! • Lie # 3: I can change my spouse. • Feel free to laugh :)

7. How we got here:5 lies & misleading signposts • Lie # 4: The grass is greener. • We all know the grass over there is different. • Grass isn’t dead; it’s just dormant. • Lie # 5: All you need is love. • What happens when you wake up and don’t feel in love?

8. What is the purpose of marriage? • Happiness? • To be “complete”? • Fulfillment? • To make divorce attorneys rich?

9. What is the purpose of marriage? • We spend more time understanding and committing to a home, retirement plan and big screen television than we do to understanding the purpose of marriage. • How did we get the idea that the union of two imperfect people would yield happiness and perfection?

10. What is the purpose of marriage? • Purpose of marriage is our transformation. • Why married couples grow personally more than most singles. Implications • Spouse is no longer the cause of your unhappiness. • Spouse is a gift given as a tool for personal transformation.

11. 10 Keys to a Healthy Marriage

12. # 1 Control yourself and no one else. • The only person I can truly control is myself. • I must control my own anxiety. • I am responsible for my own happiness. • Anxiety and fear cause us to control others. • Money tight: blame spouse instead of dealing with anxiety. • Wife overwhelmed: pushes hubby away. • Husband lashes out at kids rather than calming himself.

13. The danger of controlling my spouse • I rely on my spouse’s mood to determine my mood. • If she’s not happy, how can I be happy? • “I *need* you to be happy, so I can be happy.” • “How can I make you happy so I can have a good day?” • React with anger when can’t “fix” it.

14. The danger of controlling my spouse • I control my spouse’s reaction in order to control myself. • When we are weak emotionally, we control our spouse’s reactions to validate our own feelings. • If only my spouse will do “x,” then I will do “y”… • My actions are now dependent on someone else. • Have given power over emotions, attitudes and actions away.

15. # 2 Be selfish so you can be selfless. • Self-love (e.g. taking care of yourself) is a prerequisite in order to be selfless and give in a healthy way. • Ultimately selfish and destructive to ask your spouse to meet your deepest needs. • Must understand the four levels of love.

16. 4 Levels of Love # 1 I love me for my sake. Self-centered, incapable of looking outward, self-preservation. Addicts. # 2 I love you for my sake. I love you so you will love me. Needy, narcissistic, calculating. This is the love of teenagers and politicians. # 3 I love you for your sake. I neglect myself because you need me; become depleted and needy. Natural outgrowth is resentment. “After all I do for you…” # 4 I love me for your sake. I take care of myself so that you don’t have to. I give out of wholeness.

17. Practice self-love/ self-care • Slow life. • Stop giving power to society and others. • Make adult choices. • Reduce stressors. • Choose calm. • Exercise, read, pray, sing, walk, sow, garden

18. # 3 Burn the checklist. Over time, a list of resentments begins to take hold in our minds. • Write down the list. • Burn it. • Do not allow the list to form again in your heart or brain. • Practice gratitude.

19. # 4 Forgive and rebuild trust. • Forgiveness does not mean pain goes away. Trust takes time. • 3 Reasons to forgive: • When don’t forgive, give past actions power over present; put focus on someone else’s actions rather than your own. • If don’t forgive, chain spouse to past actions. • Must forgive to be forgiven. • Rebuild trust: • Expect trust to take a long time to rebuild. • If rush it, become disillusioned and put too much pressure on each other. • Acknowledge and celebrate small steps.

20. # 5 Be assertive. • Because (1) I am responsible for my actions; (2) I know best what I need to be fulfilled and happy; and (3) I demonstrate self-respect, I am assertive about what I want and need. • Martyr syndrome is passive-aggressive and selfish. “Oh, it doesn’t matter what I want…” • Don’t be surprised when people discount your wishes or ignore your needs when you don’t care enough about yourself to be assertive. • Don’t be a martyr and become resentful. • Examples • Dinner conversation. • Faking it on a cruise. • Complaining that husband is clueless.

21. # 5 Be assertive. • Being assertive is liberating for me and my wife. • When I am assertive, it relieves my wife of any pressure and she knows what I want. It is honest. • Examples • My birthday. • Sunday afternoons. • Wife who wants family to go to church with her.

22. # 6 Be apart so you don’t grow apart. • Not an excuse for men to play 18 holes of golf every day (9 is okay). • Some people only feel purposeful when they are needed and become dependent on children needing you. Take a break! • Need time apart as a couple from children. • Need time apart individually to be whole when you are together. • Examples • Anita listening to CD and concert tickets. • Me after a workshop.

23. # 7 Liking is more important than loving. • Love is obligatory. • But do you like your spouse? • Do you like who you are when you are with your spouse? • Practice the Power of One. • Write down one thing you like about your spouse. • Can be impersonal (he works really hard, she’s a great cook) or personal (he has a great sense of humor, she is compassionate). • Dwell on that one though. Compliment your spouse repeatedly. • Then find another quality you like. Rinse and repeat often.

24. # 8 Water your own grass. • Most common trap in human nature: the grass is always greener. • Tempted to take the easy way out: get a new lawn. • Resist the temptation of the perfect man or woman at the office. • Grass isn’t dead. It’s just dormant. We need to water it. • Don’t wait for your spouse to change. • Feelings follow words and actions. • Prepare the soil (forgive and rebuild trust). • Plant a lot of seeds. Marriage relationships deteriorate because we stop doing a lot of little things and miss opportunities. • Think of one thing your spouse HATES doing. Begin doing that task for your spouse, even if he or she does not reciprocate.

25. # 9 Cut the chords. • Parents still exhibit too much emotional control over spouses. • Disappoint parents early on in marriage. • Manipulation comes from resentments and feeling entitled because of all they sacrificed as a parent. • Do not be moved by their childish reactions. • Do not compromise your own family • Mother gets offended--enjoy the peace and quiet. • Not responsible for your parents’ happiness. • Cutting the chords causes transformation! • Husband first, father second, son third. • When decided to get married and have children, made a conscious choice to separate from parents and become mature adult. • Growing up is difficult :)

26. # 10 The greatest gift a man can give his wife. My greatest gift to others, ironically, has nothing to do with them and everything to do with me. (1) I take care of myself so my wife doesn’t have to “manage” me. • Calm, assertive leader. • Free from parents’ control so put my family first. • Trust me with kids. (2) Give me wife a night out once or twice per month. • Handle dinner, dishes, homework, put kids to bed. (3) Date night with undivided attention.

27. # 10 The greatest gift a woman can give her husband. (1) I take care of myself so my husband doesn’t have to take care of me. • Exercise, take a walk, listen to music, read, pray to feel centered • Show self-respect • Do not give kids keys to your emotions and happiness. (2) Leave the kids, guilt and responsibility behind for a date night. • Be my husband’s date and not just his kids’ Mom for an evening. (3) Thank my husband for random things: taking care of the lawn, working hard, being patient with the kids. Make each other a priority. Spend time together first when come home from work. Let kids know your relationship is a priority.

28. Conclusion • Focus changes from changing my spouse to controlling myself. • Restores power and control to me. • Meet our own needs proactively so that we can give from a place of wholeness and not be emotionally needy. • Prepare the soil--let go of resentments, forgive, rebuild trust, be assertive, take time apart. • Water the grass--compliment and praise, serve each other, sacrifice from wholeness. • We now have power over our lives and our marriage.

29. # 10 The greatest gift a woman can give her husband. • The only person I can truly control is myself. • I must control my own anxiety. • I am responsible for my own happiness. • Anxiety and fear cause us to control others. • Money tight--blame spouse instead of dealing with anxiety. • Wife overwhelmed--pushes hubby away • Husband lashes out at kids rather than calming himself

30. Thank you for the important work you do. Contact us if you have questions. Kirk Martin Kirk@celebratecalm.com