CHAPTER 5 COMMUNICATION

1. CHAPTER 5 COMMUNICATION Human Relations

2. Used by permission of THE ACADEMY OF NURSING 2355 E. 3900 S. S.L.C., UT 84124 801-506-0064

3. NON VERBAL: There is no such thing as not communicating. Verbal = basic content Non Verbal = basic interpersonal attitude, emotion or relationship towards the person. • Compliments: Helps convey full meaning of what we say. • Substitutes: Can communicate how we feel without words, to someone who reads us well. • Regulate: Trailing off indicates other may speak. • Contradict:“No, I’m NOT angry.” People believe non verbal first, if they aren’t the same message.

4. PROXIMITY • Can indicate interest & attention. • Where we sit (proximity) indicates levels of intimacy. • Moving away indicates desire to terminate conversation. • Moving closer usually one exchanges cues to avoid chance of rejection. • Cultures differ in degree of acceptable closeness.

6. EYE CONTACT • Read story of Auchmed: There were two lips and one day one of the lips realized the other lip was higher than him so they argued and fought and didn’t work together. The person wanted to speak the words of love that his heart felt for a woman but the lips were never working together, only fighting and he could not say the words. The heart wanted so badly to express it’s love to this woman. Finally the heart realized it was connected to the eyes. They were equal, side-by-side and wouldn’t fight. So he was able to express the feelings of his heart through his eyes. You can always tell what a person feels in their heart through their eyes, not the lips.

7. EYE CONTACT Indicates interest, even for a split second more than normal. • Flirting means eyes darting back & forth. • People in love have prolonged looks at each other. • Those in conflict may avoid looking at each other. • Avoiding eye contact shows disinterest or insincere interest.

8. TOUCH Signals intimacy, emotional closeness, sexual interest. Basic of all senses, closest form. In sexual interactions it takes precedence over sight (close eyes when kissing).

9. Body Orientation, Posture Gestures: • Tap fingers • Lifted eyebrow • Rub nose or pull on ear • Sweating palms, white knuckles • Folded arms • Swinging or crossing legs • Wringing hands, kicking ground • Steeple hands • Feet on desk

10. GENDER DIFFFERENCES OF COMMUNICATING Women: • Smile more more emotional, claim less space, more eye contact, use more qualifiers (don’t you think?), & intensifiers (awfully). Wives send clearer messages to husbands, are more sensitive & responsive, husbands may not reply at all or withdraw. Usually wives want change & husbands withdraw with the most to gain by doing so. But wives set the emotional tone in a family.

11. Disclose less personal info Safer topics like sports or work More profanity & harsh words More dominating of conversation Traditional roles inhibit communication. GENDER DIFFERENCESMen:

12. COMMUNICATION GUIDELINES • DEFINITION: A two part process used to exchange information. First the message must be sent…. then received… and understood.

13. Levels of Communication

14. Communication is a complex skill which seems deceptively easy. • Wondering, assuming and guessing what others feel or think, makes disaster. • In order to have meaningful relationships (dates, friends, family, employment) it is essential to have effective communication. • Do you say what you mean? Everyone has their own way of communicating. But most of the time they clash somewhere along the way. “We don’t communicate anymore.” “I hear you, but you don’t make any sense.”

15. MISPERCEPTIONS

17. ROADBLOCKS & MISCOMMUNICATION • Placaters: Agreeable, appeases others, a pleaser. • Blamers: Superior. Doesn’t listen and tries to escape responsibilities. • Computers: Very correct and reasonable. Logical, ignores emotions. • Distractors: Frenetic and seldom says anything relevant, changes the subject.

18. Interrupting – breaking into the conversation, not giving the other a chance to finish. • Endlessfighting – bring up things from the past & never resolving things. • Characterassassination – name calling, belittling, insulting remarks. • Calling in reinforcements – involve outsiders to support you. • Withdrawal – leave, indifference, silent treatment. • Need to be right – refusal to admit their part in the problem. Activity: Act out skit 6.3 and point out all the roadblocks they use.

19. Likelihood of divorce due to miscommunication: • Contempt • Criticism • Defensiveness • Stonewalling • Belligerence Couples who communicate with affection and interest, along with maintaining humor in the mist of conflict survive better.

20. WHY PEOPLE DON’T COMMUNICATE • Ashamed or guilty of feelings • Fearful feelings will create conflict • Suppress unacceptable feelings • Deny our feelings to self “Feelings unexpressed never die”- Feelings are simply emotional states and need to be felt. Activity: Show video clips “You’ve Got Mail”

21. GOOD COUPLE COMMUNICATION SELF-DISCLOSURE • Allows mutual understanding and helps us discover who we are. • Women can self disclose easier than men usually. • One can feel lonely even when with someone all the time due to lack of self disclosure. • “Why is it hard to talk about feelings?” • Is vital to closeness but requires trust because it makes you vulnerable. Question: Which topics are difficult to talk about?

22. TRUST • Trust will develop only if relationship is likely to continue. • We need to know how a person will react (not hurt us). • Person must have other acceptable options available. “Can too much honesty and openness be harmful to a relationship” (happy medium)

23. FEEDBACK - Necessary after self disclosure. Provides constructive info about consequences of their behavior towards you. “Which would be best?” • Remain silent • Respond with anger • Remain indifferent • Acknowledge partners feelings as being valid (rather than right or wrong) and disclose how you feel in response.

24. Constructive feedback guidelines: • “I” messages. • Focus on behaviors rather than the person. • Focus on facts, not judgments (“You don’t really care how I feel about the dishes” or “What kind of person would leave dirty dishes all over”). • Don’t exaggerate. “I always pick up after you”. • Don’t tell what to do, simply offer alternative. Nobody likes to be told what to do. • Respond the best way for you partner. Anger may shut them down. • Don’t overload. • Appropriate time and place.

25. I – MESSAGES I – messages are used during those difficult times when you must assert yourself and confront someone about his/her unacceptable behavior so that a solution to the problem can be negotiated.

26. I – MESSAGES allow you to: • Confront people in a positive way. • Be open, honest, and straightforward about a person’s unacceptable behavior. • Avoid putting people on the defensive. • Appeal for help in solving the problem. • Communicate ownership of the problem.

27. I – MESSAGES communicate the problem “I FEEL . . . WHEN . . . BECAUSE . . .”

28. FEELING WORDS

29. YOU – MESSAGES YOU MESSAGES are totally ineffective because they contain language that sounds abrasive, judgmental, condescending, or injurious to the self-esteem of the person confronted.

30. YOU MESSAGES are never well received for several reasons: • They make people feel guilty • They can be interpreted as blame, put downs, criticism and rejections. • They communicate a lack of respect for others. • They often cause reactive or retaliatory behavior. • They damage the recipients self-esteem. • They cause resistance rather the openness to change. • They can make a person feel hurt, the resentful. • They are often perceived as punitive.

31. You Messages contain two major obstacles that severely inhibit communication and problem solving. • People don’t like to be told what to do, or what not to do. They prefer to self-initiate change when it becomes apparent that their behavior is not productive for them. • When the finger of blame is pointed, it communicates that they should feel guilty and awful.

32. 1. “You lazy bum! All you ever do is watch football. Now take out the trash this minute.”2. “You kids are acting like wild animals!”3. “You are such a slob. I will never let you do a project in the kitchen again.”

33. FIRST STEP TO GOOD LISTENING IS TO “SHUT UP” Read “Listen” poem. Read “Marziflate” and give test on listening skills. Activity:

34. ATTITUDE CHANGES ESSENTIAL FOR ACTIVE LISTENING • You must want to hear what the other person has to say. • You must genuinely be able to accept the other person’s feelings, no matter how different they are from your own. • You must view people separate from yourself, with alternative ways of perceiving the world. • You must trust the other person’s capacity to handle and find solutions to his/her own problems.

35. STEP 1 – PASSIVE LISTENING • “OH, UM, UHUH” are passive listening comments. • They are short and non-judgmental. • Their only purpose is to inform the speaker that you are still listening.

36. STEP 2 – ENCOURAGER QUESTIONS • “SOMETHING SEEMS TO BE BOTHERING YOU, WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT?” • If someone is not verbally speaking but you know something is wrong, then ask a question to encourage them and reassure them it is “safe” to speak.

37. STEP 3 – VALIDATING “THAT MUST HAVE MADE YOU FEEL VERY SAD.” “WHAT I THINK YOU MEAN TO SAY IS….” • Acknowledges that the person’s feelings are legitimate. • Messages are not evaluated, judged or criticized. • Shows the speaker that his or her opinions are important and they can contribute to problem solving solutions.

38. STEP 4 – PROBLEM SOLVING “WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?” “WOULD YOU LIKE TO HEAR WHAT SOMEONE ELSE HAS DONE?” “HOW DO YOU THINK THAT WOULD WORK OUT?” • Help them: • Define the problem • Reflect on goals & values • Seek, weigh and select alternatives • Take responsibility for the decision

39. Activity Listening Triads 1 Student talks 1 Student listens 1 Student evaluates listening skills of listener

40. Possible options of what to talk about • Fabricate a story about how you got in a wreck and got a ticket. Tells feelings about the police officer, the other car, etc. • You got a new job. Tell details of the job and how you feel about it, the boss, co-workers. • You broke up with a boy friend/girl friend or husband/wife. Tell why and how you felt about it. • Tell how you feel about school, the homework, the grading, teachers, friends. • Tell how you feel about Christmas (good or bad). Some memories and traditions that you have done.

41. Evaluation of the Listener Needs Improvement Good • Eye to eye contact & looks interested • Passive encouraging statements • Clarifies for understanding • Relevant questions • Reflects back what they said • No interruptions • Validates – never discredits their feelings • Appropriate feedback • Problem solving if necessary (only if asked for)

42. MUTUAL AFFIRMATIONS • Mutual acceptance • Liking each other • Express liking in words and actions “If you love me show me” Tell them you like them for who they are and appreciate all the little things. Activity: Practicesituationsandmutualaffirmations.

43. AVOID NEGATIVES • If there are more negatives than positives the relationship may suffer. Become aware and then you can unlearn doing it.

44. POWER The ability to influence another person. Usually unaware of power, it is subtle. It is not constantly exercised. Often based on personality. “What can power be based on?” • Physical strength • Rewards • Knowledge • Acceptable roles • Respect • Persuasive skills • Resources (money maker) “Traditionally how was power handled in marriages?” Wife assumed husband’s name. Husband legally responsible to provide (working women have more power).

45. Power (continued) • Relative love & need theory:The person gaining the most from the relationship is the most dependent. • Principal of least interest:The partner with the least interest in continuing a relationship has the most power in it. “If you don’t do it my way, I’m leaving”

46. Power (continued) • Women’s power is rooted in their role as nurturers and kinkeepers and has low visibility but they are the core of family strength and socialization. Power and Intimacy: Negative affect. Intimacy requires equality. Talking, understanding and negotiation help. Happy marriages are not based on coercion but caring, mutuality, and respect.

47. CONFLICT • The more intimate two people are the more likely they are to have conflict. The conflict is not dangerous to the relationship, but how the conflict is handled is. If handled in a healthy way it can solidify the marriage. NON BASIC CONFLICTS (do not strike at heart of the marriage) BASIC CONFLICTS (do strike at heart of marriage)

48. Anger Anger can be dealt with in four ways: • Back off, learn to compromise between closeness and distance to avoid conflict. Learn what is safe and what is not. • Suppressing it, let it simmer beneath surface. Causes resentment, and low level hostility. • Escalate into violence. • Recognize it as a symptom of something that needs to be changed. Do not vent or suppress it but find the source and eliminate it.

49. Happily married couples: • Agreement as a gift(without resentment) • Bargaining – compromise(the best deal for both) • Coexistence – Agree(to disagree & live with it) • Summarize • Paraphrasing • Validating • Clarification The object of marriage = peaceful coexistence “The only way to speak the truth is to speak lovingly” – discuss in groups. Activity:

50. Unhappily married couples: • Confront • Defensiveness • Complain • Give in Covey = Seek 1st to understand before seeking to be understood. Activity: Read script from curriculum