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Welcome to the World of Relational Aggression… “FEMALE BULLYING”

Welcome to the World of Relational Aggression… “FEMALE BULLYING”. Jewel E. Hairston, Ph.D. 4-H Specialist Virginia State University (804) 524-5965 jhairsto@vsu.edu. What is Relational Aggression?. Also known as “female bullying”

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Welcome to the World of Relational Aggression… “FEMALE BULLYING”

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  1. Welcome to the World of Relational Aggression…“FEMALE BULLYING” Jewel E. Hairston, Ph.D. 4-H Specialist Virginia State University (804) 524-5965 jhairsto@vsu.edu

  2. What is Relational Aggression? Also known as “female bullying” It includes acts that harm others through damage to relationships or to feelings of acceptance, friendship, or group inclusion.

  3. What causes it to occur? “The good girl is nice first, even before she is honest.” • We live in a culture of indirection Sarah Michelle Gellar as Kathryn in “Cruel Intentions”

  4. What causes it to occur? • Because girls in our society are not allowed to have conflict openly and act aggressively, they aggress covertly. • For girls, conflict = loss • Notions of the “rite of passage” • According to society, girl/girl relationships are insignificant.

  5. Why do we need to discuss it? • Female relationships become the weapon when there are no tools to negotiate conflict. • Schools and organizations lack consistent public strategies for dealing with girl bullying. • It attacks the self-esteem of girls and often effects them for the rest of their lives.

  6. It is mostly important to discuss this because… • It typically happens beneath the radar of of niceness…and goes undetected. …Ultimately, it is ignored

  7. How do girls bully different from boys? Boy bullying = Inflicting physical pain and verbally articulating anger. When in danger boys opt for “fight or flight.” Girl bullying = Inflicting psychological pain through body language. When in danger girls “tend and befriend.”

  8. How do girls bully different from boys? (cont.) • Boys tend to either bully people they know of or strangers; however, girls attack within tightly knit friendships. • Girls’ aggression is more difficult to identify than boys’ aggression.

  9. Why do girls bully? THE QUEST FOR… POPULARITY and SOCIAL STATUS

  10. Characteristics of girl bullies • Desires to control friends to stay popular or to seek a rise in social status • Seeks a sense of security from a friend or a group • May feel threatened by a group and feels there is no other choice but to bully others • May have been a former victim of bullying • Fears isolation

  11. Characteristics of victims • Fearful of losing a relationship • May be less popular than other girls • May be shy, insecure, or lack self-esteem • May be extremely confident or successful in something

  12. The girl who thinks she’s “all that” is a definite target for bullying “All That” – Confident, Competitive and Assertive

  13. Bullying techniques • The silent treatment • Name calling • Alliance building • Exclusion • Backbiting & backstabbing • Gritting

  14. Aggression in girls of color…a little different perception • Conflict is an essential part of maintaining dignity • Girls of color learn from their mothers to confront others • Girls are socialized for independence • Clear lines of demarcation between friends • Avoiding conflict leads to confrontations (being labeled weak or “hit.”

  15. What can the volunteer leader do? • Ban these behaviors and socialize girls away from them. • Empathize! • Encourage health truth telling and conflict.

  16. What can the volunteer leader do? • Talking with kids about alternative aggressions is absolutely necessary.

  17. What is wrong with this statement? Wrong - “It’s just a phase” or “It happens to everyone.” Better - “Oh that is terrible. I’m sorry…It happened to me too.” Wrong - “What could you be doing to cause this?” Better - Do you want to brainstorm together about how we got there?

  18. What is wrong with this statement? Wrong - “You’re being too sensitive. They don’t really mean it!” Better – “How can you tell their not joking? Are you sure they really mean to make you feel bad?” Wrong - “This is the way girls are. You may as well get used to it.” Better – “Did you know there are some answers about why some girls act in these ways when they get angry?”

  19. What to tell the girls to do to find relief… • Get help • Lose them • Get it out • Do something • It will end – One day you will wake up and not have to go to school with these people!

  20. Girls need to be given the opportunity to… • Admit jealousy, anger & frustration • Become your own person • Stop concentrating on “making friends.” • Understand that the pain of bullying can and will eventually stop!

  21. Denying girls the right to be angry leads them to cruel and inappropriate acts…Empowering them to be true to their feelings and their emotions helps them soar!

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