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Bringing People Together Challenges and Opportunities. Conflict Resolution Saskatchewan Inc. & The ADR Institute of Saskatchewan. Agenda. Introductions Guidelines Opening Address –Intense emotions, anger, rage and the Brain Transformative learning : The cooperative learning process
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Bringing People TogetherChallenges and Opportunities Conflict Resolution Saskatchewan Inc. & The ADR Institute of Saskatchewan marthamcmanus@hotmail.com
Agenda • Introductions • Guidelines • Opening Address –Intense emotions, anger, rage and the Brain • Transformative learning : • The cooperative learning process • Introduce self • best skill in work with group • What I could use your help with • “We learn what we teach.” marthamcmanus@hotmail.com
REPTILIAN BRAIN Instinctual survival • Fight,Flight, Freeze • Aggression • Anger • Fear • Revenge marthamcmanus@hotmail.com
Whole brain thinking marthamcmanus@hotmail.com
Managing anger marthamcmanus@hotmail.com
Fever is your body’s effort to send white blood cells to illness; hot enough to drive out germs, bacteria. Low fever & high fever need different response. marthamcmanus@hotmail.com
First Feeling + Trigger = Anger marthamcmanus@hotmail.com
Under Anger Hurt Grieving Frustrated Humiliated Scared Rejected Embarrassed Trapped- no options HALT- Hungry Angry already Lonely Tired marthamcmanus@hotmail.com
Stop and breathe 3 deep breathes Reward to feel good afterward Think of 10 ideas for what to do Reflect on what worked Act on the safest choice Manage your anger- Be a STARR marthamcmanus@hotmail.com
Auditory Visual Kinesthetic internal Kinesthetic external Learning Styles marthamcmanus@hotmail.com
Tell me, and I will forget. Show me, and I may remember. Involve me, and I will understand. Confucius, 450 B.C. marthamcmanus@hotmail.com
How many squares? 5 marthamcmanus@hotmail.com
How many squares? • Work alone and fast, this is a competition. • Write your answer on a paper and raise your hand. • The first 3 are winners. marthamcmanus@hotmail.com
How many squares? Take as long as you need to get the answer. Work individually. marthamcmanus@hotmail.com
How many squares? Work together to find an answer, Help each other understand. marthamcmanus@hotmail.com
BASE GROUPS 1 1 2 1 1 4 4 2 4 4 2 3 3 2 1 1 3 3 1 1 4 2 4 2 2 4 4 2 3 3 3 3 marthamcmanus@hotmail.com
EXPERT GROUPS 1 3 3 1 3 2 4 3 1 1 2 4 2 2 3 4 1 4 1 3 2 4 2 4 1 1 1 3 3 3 2 4 2 4 2 4 1 3 4 2 marthamcmanus@hotmail.com
Unpacking Root Causes 9-10:15 Working groups: 9- 9:15 • 1.High and Low context cultures and communication • 2.Life skills- Anger and emotional intelligence • 3.Trauma, Abuse and violence contributors • 4.Mental illness & immediate situational contributors Base groups: 9:15- 9: 45 • Working group (1,2,3,4) reports (5 minutes each) • How does understanding possible root causes inform our work? • In their shoes- if you experienced some of the root causes described, how would you wish to be treated? • Questions for the big group marthamcmanus@hotmail.com
How can I respond in relating with a volatile person, staying safe and helping another? • Swimming metaphor • Pre mediation work • Co- mediator- don’t go alone • Anger, rage, volatility • Past patterns • Current stressors • Support marthamcmanus@hotmail.com
How can I respond in relating with a volatile person, staying safe and helping another? 11-11:45 • Working groups: 11-11:15 • Respect • Resilience • Diversity –reflecting our community • Environment – Space, exits, timing • Base groups: 11:15- 11:45 • Reports of working groups • Brainstorm ideas that will help prevent volatile eruptions in the environments of your work • Questions and insights to Big group marthamcmanus@hotmail.com
A man had 17 camels He left his 17 camels to his three sons on his death. The oldest son would get 1/2 the camels. The middle son would get 1/3 of the camels. The youngest son would get 1/9 of the camels. The sons were confused. Then a wise Woman came along on her camel And resolved the problem. How many camels did each son get? marthamcmanus@hotmail.com
LEO • Listen: • Body language (face them, open body stance) • Tone and volume, Do your eyes show interest? (or are you busy taking notes?) • Ask open ended questions • Encourage talking (that must have been difficult, thank you for telling me) • Give them room • Suspend Judgment, Avoid moving to premature solutions • Empathize: • Confirms you understand their point of view • Lets them know you heard their story • Demonstrates comfort and competence • Lays groundwork for problem solving • Helps build common ground • “So you feel___________ because it seems to you____________ ?” • Restate feelings, their view and check to make sure you got it right? • Model desired emotional state (breathe, be calm, attentive) • Options: • Get their attention- confirm understanding- move to desired outcome • Offer Options-“I can think of some options, want to hear them? • Co-create options, neutral language • Plot a course- next steps (KIS) marthamcmanus@hotmail.com
NVC 1. OBSERVE: The concrete actions we are observing that are affecting our well-being 2. FEELINGS: How we feel in relation to what we are observing 3.NEEDS: The needs, values, desires, etc. that are creating our feelings 4.REQUEST: The concrete action we request in order to enrich our lives marthamcmanus@hotmail.com
NLP • Visual • Auditory • Kinesthetic internal • Kinesthetic external • “ I can see that you feel frustrated and angry; that no one seems to be listening to you. Come and lets you and I see if we can sort this out.” marthamcmanus@hotmail.com
http://www.beyondintractability.org/essay/transformation/ marthamcmanus@hotmail.com
Conflict Management and Transformation • It is time: • To honour our values of respect, compassion and treating others as we would wish to be treated. • To expand our life skills as we live cooperatively in increasingly diverse communities • To embrace conflict as an opportunity for learning and growth • Transformation is possible-”Our peaceful world is not a place without conflict. Rather it is a place where we resolve our conflicts with respect, compassion, and a shared goal of understanding. Let us honour each other in the process.” marthamcmanus@hotmail.com
Key skills for working with conflict: Respecting the people and understanding the problem • Separating the people and the problem • Focus on interests not positions • Common Interests • Creating Options- why brainstorming works • Emotional and social intelligence skills • Heart felt Compassion • “People do the best they can with what they know. When they know better, they do better.” Maya Angelo marthamcmanus@hotmail.com
If you want the truth to stand clear before you, never be for or against. The struggle between ‘for’ and ‘against’ is the mind’s worst disease. Sent-ts’an, c - 700 CE Zen master marthamcmanus@hotmail.com
Skill Development • Base groups practice LEO method & NVC • Create an example • Practice responding-both methods • Request feedback • What you did well • Debrief methods as a group • Make it your own- prepare a script • After Anger and volatility – now what? marthamcmanus@hotmail.com
Putting it all together • In your group with colleagues: • Introduce yourselves • What I do well…. • discuss : • Challenges unique to your circumstances • Prevention • Environment • Processes most effective with your community marthamcmanus@hotmail.com
Putting it all together - self care • Individuals and community care • Left overs • Evaluation marthamcmanus@hotmail.com
Compassion: Doing Wholehearted Work marthamcmanus@hotmail.com
Escalation of Conflict Destructive Violence Power Struggle Overt Conflict Latent Tensions marthamcmanus@hotmail.com
Why Conflict Escalates Destructive Violence Power Struggle Overt Conflict Frustrated needs Poor skills Weak relationships Latent Tensions marthamcmanus@hotmail.com
Why Conflict Escalates Destructive Violence Power Struggle Conflicting interests Disputed rights Unequal power Injured relationships Overt Conflict Latent Tensions marthamcmanus@hotmail.com
Why Conflict Escalates Destructive Violence No attention No limitation No protection Power Struggle Overt Conflict Latent Tensions marthamcmanus@hotmail.com
Catching Conflict Before it Escalates Destructive Violence Contain Power Struggle Overt Conflict Latent Tensions Resolve Prevent marthamcmanus@hotmail.com
Prevent Sources of Tension Frustrated needs Poor skills Weak relationships Ways to Prevent The Provider The Teacher The Bridge-Builder marthamcmanus@hotmail.com
Resolve Sources of Conflict Conflicting interests Disputed rights Unequal power Injured relationships Ways to Resolve The Mediator The Arbiter The Equalizer The Healer marthamcmanus@hotmail.com
Contain Sources of Struggle No attention No limitation No protection Ways to Contain The Witness The Referee The Peacekeeper marthamcmanus@hotmail.com
“People do the best they can with what they know. When they know better, they do better.” Maya Angelo marthamcmanus@hotmail.com
