Intimate Relationships and Marriage

Intimate Relationships and Marriage Lesson Objectives: Understand the theories of attraction and mate selection Analyze primary sources to establish criteria of social homogamy today Develop a list of personal qualities, values & characteristics desired in a marriage partner

What Determines Attraction? What qualities would you seek in a date for the school semi-formal? Imagine that you would have to spend the rest of your life with the person you selected. How would these qualities change?

Key Terms • Mate Selection: The process by which one selects a partner for a long term monogamous relationship (MARRIAGE) Marriage: A binding and enduring relationship between two human beings based on sexual union that is recognized as legitimate and that carries specific role expectations within a society

Mate Selection Criteria Researchers have established the following attributes as being most important when considering a life-long partner: • Social status / earning potential • Intelligence • Physical attractiveness / “sexiness” • Personality Attributes / sense of humour • Nurturing qualities / good with children • Similar values / interests / hobbies Which of these attribute are most important to you? Prioritize the following qualities in terms of what you would find most attractive in a mate.

What factors guided you when making your choices?Did males and females seek different qualities in a partner?Why do individuals differ when it comes to what they find attractive in the opposite sex? Three theoretical frameworks help to explain how boys and girls meet, fall in love and get married.

Mate Selection Theories Three main theoretical frameworks: • Natural / sexual selection • Social homogamy • Ideal Mate Theory

Natural Selection • Survival of a species mean producing offspring – it’s all about babies!! • Members of a species that present some advantage over other individuals will be selected for survival, thus passing on this advantage to their offspring. • Over time this becomes the dominant characteristic of a species - ADAPTATION • This adaptation over time leads to the EVOLUTION of a new species

Sexual Selection • A woman can produce a limited number of children in her lifetime (biologically about 25 children) • Men’s ability to father children is biologically unlimited • Therefore, women will be far more selective about who chooses as a mate • Thus men compete, women select

What Females Find Attractive Physical – health and strength Equal or Higher Intelligence Ambitious Higher social status (women tend to “marry up”) Temperment: Courageous & Loyal Natural / Sexual Selection

What Men Find Attractive Physical - fertility characteristics Shapely figure Wide hips, larger breasts Similar intelligence Less ambitious than himself Same or lower social status (men tend to “marry down”) Temperament – patient and nurturing Natural / Sexual Selection

Social Homogamy • Individuals are attracted to people from a similar social background • The highest correlation for the attractiveness of others was for the following: • Age • Race • Religion • Ethnic Background • Social status • Political views • Hobbies and interests

“Dirtiest Man in the World” THE DIRTIEST MAN IN THE WORLD Oh I'm Dirty Dan, the world's dirtiest man, I never have taken a shower. I can't see my shirt—it's so covered with dirt. And my ears have enough to grow flowers. But the water is either a little too hot. Or else it's a little too cold. I'm musty and dusty and patchy and scratchy And mangy and covered with mold. But the water is always a little too hot, Or else it’s a little to cold. I live in a pen with five hogs and a hen And three squizzly lizards who creep in My bed, and they itch as I squirm, and I twitch In the cruddy old sheets that I sleep in. If you looked down my throat with a flashlight, you'd note That my insides are coated with rust. I creak when I walk and I squeak when I talk. And each time I sneeze I blow dust.

The thought of a towel and some soap makes me howl, And when people have something to tell me They don't come and tell it—they stand back and yell it. I think they're afraid they might smell me. The bedbugs that leap on me sing me to sleep, And the garbage flies buzz me awake. They're the best friends I've found and I fear they might drown So I never go too near a lake. Each evening at nine I sit down to dine With the termites who live in my chair. And I joke with the bats and have intimate chats With the cooties who crawl through my hair. I'd brighten my life if I just found a wife, But I fear that that never will be Until I can find a girl, gentle and kind. With a beautiful face and a sensitive mind, Who sparkles and twinkles and glistens and shines— And who's almost as dirty as me. By: Shel Silverstein

Ideal Mate Theory • Attempts to explain the idea of “love at first sight” • Attraction is based on our “unconscious” image of an ideal mate • This image is a social construct – it has been learned through our social / cultural environment (family & community) • When we meet someone that fits this image we instantly find them attractive • Males are attracted to females who have similar characteristics to their mothers, and vice versa.

For Example • Boys who have a strong, independent, career minded mother will tend to find women who are strong and independent and career minded attractive. • Women whose father was nurturing and compassionate (perhaps a doctor or teacher) may seek these qualities in a husband. • Thus, this theory explains how individuals differ when it comes to what they find attractive

Which Theory Best Explain Attraction Today? Today’s society is vastly more complex than when we were hunter-gatherers. • Do the biological factors of reproduction still apply? Or, are the social and psychological roles now more important? • Can we make accurate predictions about what members of the opposite sex seek in a long term mate?

Personal Ad Analysis Using the three Theoretical Frameworks (Natural Selection , Social Homogamy & Ideal Mate) you will analyze a personal ad. Work in groups of 3-4 to determine the following: • The sex / gender of the writer • Find examples of at least 2 of the theoretical frameworks in the advertisement • Which theoretical framework best explains what the writer is seeking in a long term mate? • Identify 3-4 criteria for social homogamy today (identify the social characteristics that seem to be most important)

Case A I'm seeking a sincere good looking, athletic and attractive _______for a long term relationship. I'm well educated, friendly, adventurous _____, with a strong sense of self and a passion for life. I have Proportional height and weight with dark hair and brown eyes. I am active and fit and enjoy playing tennis, swimming, skiing and biking. I love great food and wine (at home or in a restaurant), sports, good music, a good book at home or a night out at the pub with friends. I'm told I have a great sense of humour and I think I'm open minded and adventurous. You are bright, articulate, passionate about life and open minded. You love to be pampered and get a lot of attention. You are not submissive but not aggressive. You are more on the dominant side and seeking to challenge yourself and your partner in life and enjoy doing new things and going new places. In other words I seek a dynamic, outgoing , open minded and playful partner.

Case A Male seeking Female Age 36

Case B I'm a __________ who lives downtown. I'm well traveled (have lived in India and Thailand at separate times), well read, honest, different and giving. Almost to a fault. But I'm working on that. I live and work downtown, but love to get out of the city when I get a chance (which isn't often because I'm only learning how to drive now). I'm just as comfortable curling up to watch a movie on the couch as checking out the newest foodie hotspot as scuba diving in some exotic place or trekking up a mountain in Nepal, all of which I have done . I love all things technology, culture, art. I love movies and going to concerts, which is something I like to do as much as possible. I'm looking for someone who is giving, romantic, thoughtful, cultured, worldly, honest (with themselves and with others), communicative, has a good attitude and is aware and in tune with the people around them. A little edginess doesn't hurt either. And you must love dogs.

Case B Female seeking Male Age: 33

Case C Hi there. I’m a corporate Knowledge Management Analyst working in downtown Toronto. So here's a bit about me. I'm caring, optimistic, confident, intelligent, thoughtful, successful and affectionate. I am very close with my family, and look to my parents (who are happily married) as role models for what I would want out of a relationship. Education is very important to me, and I intend to be a life-long learner, perhaps even completing my PhD at some point. But life should be more than just what you learn in books, and I don't think there is anything as educational (or fun!) as traveling the world.Here's a bit about who I would like to meet: someone intelligent, warm-hearted, well-educated, and most importantly, someone who is capable of being playful. In the looks department, I’m not too fussy but it would be nice if I could meet someone taller than myself, (I'm average height, so hopefully that's not being too picky).

Case C Female seeking Male Age: 27

Case D Hello: Thank you for visiting my ad!I know I am a good person with a lot to offer the right _________. I am a University educated professional, successful and generous, a non-smoker with no dependents. I own my own business and I am athletic and fit. I am interested in a long term relationship!I enjoy working out, photography and camping. I also like dancing, travel and dining. I am very romantic and loyal with a great sense of humour! I am also easy-going and look at the positive side of life. I'm open-minded and passionate too.I am looking for a _________ who is attractive and in good shape, a non-smoker with no dependents. Ideally _______ should be loyal, romantic and kind. I look forward to hearing from you if you are truly looking for what I am seeking. Only sincere inquiries.

Case D Male seeking Female Age: 27

Case E Although people say that good things come to those that wait, sometimes you just have to put yourself out there and see what happens. One never knows when, where and how that magic spark can strike. The curious streak brings me here. Let's wait and see where it takes me! I am a true believer that it's only when you meet the person that you start to truly get to know them...but here's a bit about me to start you off. Life in general keeps me busy but I always manage to find time for things that are important like spending time with friends/family over dinner, great conversation and a few good laughs. I love taking long walks...there's nothing better than spending a day outside, lying on the beach if that's an option, playing in the sand and listening to the sound of water. I love to travel down south but simple day trips, weekend getaways or road trips are always so much fun. A quiet and relaxing evening at home is sometimes exactly what I need. I don't watch too much TV, but there is a show I rarely miss - Brothers & Sisters - if you have a close relationship with your sibling(s) you'd probably like it too. I am not going to talk about physical appearance as it is not so important, but I will say this: height matters so you must be tall. Bonus points...if you can make laugh! I also hope you're not shy as I like a partner who is socially outgoing. Make sure you send a note to say HI. You never know what can happen until you try...

Case E Female seeking Male Age: 27

Conclusions • In a complex multicultural society factors relating to social homogamy seem to be more important than factors related to biological roles • Social status seems to be less important now that women are equal, independent and career oriented

Intimate Relationships and Marriage