Intimate Relationships and Marriage in a Diverse Society

1. Intimate Relationships and Marriage in a Diverse Society Unit 3 2013

2. Minds On Question • What’s the first thing you notice when you meet someone of the opposite sex?

3. Attraction – A Matter of Rewards • Fundamental assumption • We are attracted to others whose presence is rewarding to us (Clore & Byrne, 1974) • Two different types of rewards • Direct – received from interactions with others • Indirect – benefits that are merely associated with someone else

4. Theories of Attraction • Propinquity (Proximity) • Familiarity • Physical • Similarity • Reciprocity

5. Proximity – Liking Those Near Us • Generally people become acquainted with, and attracted to, someone who lives, works, shops, and plays nearby • Correlation between physical proximity & interpersonal attraction • Think about relationships in the classroom…

6. Proximity Cont’d… • Proximity appears to lead to attraction in a variety of situations • This tendency is attributable to: • People near to us have more opportunities to REWARD us • EXPECTATIONof future interaction with those who live and work near us

7. Proximity – Experiment • 270 MIT students randomly assigned to apartments within a campus complex - after 3 months they were asked to name their 3 closest friends within the complex • Study suggested that people former closer relationships with individuals they encounter more frequently

8. Proximity Cont’d… • Why does proximity have such influence? • When others are nearby, it’s easy to enjoy whatever rewards they offer • The expense and effort of interacting with a distant partner make distant relationships more costly overall

9. Familiarity – Repeated Contact • Related to propinquity, • The closer we are to someone, the more we see them and the more familiar that person becomes • The mere exposure effect is an increase in positive feelings toward a novel stimulus (person) based on frequent exposure to it (him/her)

10. Familiarity – Experiment • Moreland and Beach (1992) had college women attend certain classes either 15 times, 10 times, or 5 times per semester • At the end of the semester, real students were given pictures of the women and asked for their reactions • The more familiar the women were, the more attracted to them the real students were

11. Physical Attractiveness • Proximity brings people together, what gets us to notice each other? • Three views: • Natural selection • Averages • Bias for beauty, “What is beautiful is good”

12. Physical Attractiveness (1) • Natural Selection • Survival of the fittest • What determines who is “fit”? • Competition for limited resources, to survive, reproduce, and raise children • Development of adaptive behaviours • Women prefer men who have the resources to be good providers • Since women were unable to both care for infants and gather food • Men preferred women who could • Bear healthy babies, feed their children, and successfully raise them

13. Physical Attractiveness (2) • Theory of Averages • Good-looking faces in both sexes have features that are neither too large nor too small

15. Averages • These faces are all proportional to one another… • No nose is too big, no eyes are too small, nothing is exaggerated, or underdeveloped • Averaged faces are also symmetrical, with the two sides of the face being mirror images of one another • Thus, beautiful faces seem tocombine the best features of individual faces in a balanced, well-proportioned whole

16. The “Cheerleader Effect” • “Individual faces appear more attractive when presented in a group than when presented alone” (Scientific America 2013) • We perceive individual members as looking more similar to the group than they actually are • Studies have shown that we find average faces to be more attractive

17. Physical Attractiveness (3) • “What is beautiful is good” • Physical attractiveness has substantial influence on first impressions • We tend to assume that good-looking people are more likable, better people than those who are unattractive (Brewer & Archer, 2007) • (This applies to job interviews too!) • Newborn infants exhibit preferences for faces that other adults find attractive too • They spend more time gazing at attractive faces than unattractive ones

18. What is beautiful is good – Experiment (Dion, Berscheid, and Walster, 1972) • Male and female participants judged that physically attractive people were more likely than the opposite to be more: • Kind, strong, outgoing, nurturing, sensitive, interesting, poised, exciting • Also, they would have futures that involve: • More prestige, happier marriages, professional success, and more fulfilling lives

19. Physical Attraction - Long-term Impacts • What about the long run? • Berscheid et al. (1972) Yearbook Study • Obtained ratings of college yearbook photos • Interviewed (then) middle-aged graduates • Beauty = More likely to marry • What about marital satisfaction, life satisfaction, & overall happiness? • No big differences

20. Similarity – Liking those who are like us • What kinds of similarity? • Demographics (Social homogamy) • Attraction from similar social and cultural backgrounds • Age, sex, race, education, religion, social class • Personality • Traits (The Big 5) – Openness, conscientiousness, extraversion, agreeableness, neuroticism • Partners with similar personalities have happier marriages than do spouses with different styles (Gaunt, 2006) • Values & attitudes • The more agreement, the more liking • No danger in having “too much in common” • The more similar they are, the more they like each other

21. Reciprocity – Liking those who like us • Just knowing that someone likes us fuels our attraction to that person • Reciprocal liking sometimes happens because of a self-fulfilling prophecy: • When we expect people to like us, we elicit more favourable behaviour from them and show more to them • Aronson & Worchel (1966) have suggested that reciprocal liking may account for the effect of similarity on attraction

22. Reciprocity (2) • The Matching Phenomenon • To enjoy the most success in the relationship marketplace, we should pursue partners who are likely to return our interest • Matching Formula • A Potential Partner’s Desirability = His/Her Physical Attractiveness x Their Probability of Accepting You • Therefore, the most appealing potential partner is someone who is moderately attractive and who seems to offer a good chance of accepting us

23. Reciprocity (3) • mate value – our overall attractiveness as a reproductive partner • People with high mate value’s are highly sought by others and can reasonably expect most people to be interested in them • Thus, similarity in physical attractiveness may operate as a screening device

24. What is Love? • Placemat • Individually come up with a definition • In pairs, share your definition with one another • As a class, come up with a complete definition • Answer the question: What is the difference between “friendship” and “romantic love”?

25. Love: Definition • “Love is a force of nature. Love is uncontrollable. You are sexually and emotionally attracted to someone and have a strong connection with them.”

26. Three components in Love • In simple terms, the strong positive emotion of regard and affection • 3 Components • Intimacy • Close, connected, bonded feelings between two people • Passion • The drives that lead to romance, physical attraction, sexual consummation in a relationship • Commitment • The decision that one loves someone (short-term) and commitment to maintain that love (long-term)

27. Sternberg’s Love Triangle INTIMACY COMMITMENT PASSION

28. Sternberg’s Love Triangle • Love relationships based on intimacy require the individuals to fully appreciate each other’s uniqueness and separateness • A companionate relationship requires an understanding of what one has to offer another and what one needs from another in return

29. Love over Time

30. Homework (for completion) • Connecting Theory to Music • Choose any song about love and/or relationships • Identify the parts of the lyrics that indicate the components of love • Determine which of the 3 Types of Love this song is talking about • Write a short paragraph (4-5 sentences) explaining your analysis (Explain how the lyrics represents one of the components of love) • Include the lyrics in your homework

31. Connecting Theory to Music I’ll Stand By You by The Pretenders Oh, why you look so sad? Tears are in your eyesCome on and come to me nowDon't be ashamed to cry. Let me see you through'cause I've seen the dark side tooWhen the night falls on you, you don't know what to doNothing you confess, could make me love you lessI'll stand by you, I'll stand by youWon't let nobody hurt you, I'll stand by youSo if you're mad, get madDon't hold it all inside, come on and talk to me nowHey, what you got to hide?I get angry too, well I'm a lot like youWhen you're standing at the crossroadsAnd don't know which path to chooseLet me come along, 'cause even if you're wrongI'll stand by you, I'll stand by youWon't let nobody hurt you, I'll stand by you Intimacy Commitment Intimacy

32. Explanation In The Pretender’s song, “I’ll Stand By You”, the band sings, “Oh, why you look so sad? Tears are in your eyes, come on and come to me now.” This shows intimacy as it describes close bonded feelings between them and a desire to be close to each other. When they repeat, “I’ll stand by you”, it shows evidence of commitment, which can indicate either short or long-term. Finally, they sing, “So if you're mad, get mad. Don't hold it all inside, come on and talk to me now”, which also indicates intimacy through the desire to share feelings with one another. Therefore, as this song shows indication of both intimacy and commitment, according to the Triangular Theory of Love, the band is singing about Companionate Love.

33. Sternberg’s Seven Types of Love