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Crucial Conversations: Getting What You Want

Crucial Conversations: Getting What You Want. Chapters 6- 8. Getting a grip. “You make you mad.” Once you’ve created an emotion, you can either act on it or be acted on by it. Your call! So, how to get a grip: Is this the only way I can react? Would everyone react this way?

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Crucial Conversations: Getting What You Want

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  1. Crucial Conversations:Getting What You Want Chapters 6-8

  2. Getting a grip “You make you mad.” Once you’ve created an emotion, you can either act on it or be acted on by it. Your call! So, how to get a grip: • Is this the only way I can react? • Would everyone react this way? • Are you faking it?

  3. The amazing (and often stupid) brain • Just after we observe an action by others and before we feel some emotion about it, our brain fills in “the story” • We add a perceived motive (why did they do that?) • We also add judgment (is that a good thing or a bad?) See/Hear Tell a story Feel Act

  4. “If you want improved results from your crucial conversations, change the stories you tell yourself – even while you’re in the middle of the fray.” Okay, but how?

  5. Work backwards • Notice your behavior • Identify your emotions • Analyze your story • Go back to the facts

  6. Work backwards • Notice your behavior • Admit it to yourself! • Identify your emotions • Remember, emotions are complicated • Analyze your story • open yourself up to accept the possibility of other stories • Go back to the facts • Separate story from fact • identify pieces that just “feel” like facts

  7. Three “clever” stories • Victim stories – It’s not my fault • exaggerate our own innocence

  8. Three “clever” stories • Victim stories – It’s not my fault • exaggerate our own innocence • Villian stories – It’s all your fault • exaggerate the other person’s guilt

  9. Three “clever” stories • Victim stories – It’s not my fault • exaggerate our own innocence • Villian stories – It’s all your fault • exaggerate the other person’s guilt • Helpless stories – There’s nothing else I can do • justifies our lack of power or inability to act What do these have in common? They are all INCOMPLETE stories

  10. Tell the rest of the story • What is my role in the problem? • Why would a reasonable, sane person do this? • What result do I really want? • What should I do to get these results?

  11. The recipe • Equal parts confidence, humility, and skill • Remember: STATE • Share your facts • Tell your story • Ask for others’ paths • Talk tentatively • Encourage testing

  12. Breaking the violence/silence cycle • Be sincere • Stay curious • Be patient • emotions take longer to work through than thoughts

  13. Skills for listening (not reacting) • Ask to get things rolling • an invitation to talk • Mirror to confirm feelings • don’t “take them for their word” • Paraphrase to acknowledge the story • Prime when you’re getting nowhere • toss out your best guess on the reason behind their actions

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