CONFLICT RESOLUTION AND CHANGES IN RELATIONSHIPS

1. CONFLICT RESOLUTION AND CHANGES IN RELATIONSHIPS

2. RELATIONSHIPS Self - In order to have a fulfilling relationship with others, we must have a good relationship with ourselves. Do you like yourself? Are you comfortable with who you are and what you hope to become? Family - Parents and siblings. Unconditional love. We cannot change those people who are a part of us, but we can change how we relate to them. Spouse - Take time for FUN; seize a spontaneous moment. Life can be too serious. Honoring the wedding vows, “for better, for worse….till death do us part” is not easy. For a marriage to last, you must be married to your best friend. Parenting - The most important job a person can undertake. The only job for which no training or experience are required. Fatherhood - Providing for your family is an obligation to be taken seriously. Being a positive role model and actively involved in the raising of your children is at least as important as earning a paycheck.

3. Motherhood - “Motherhood is not about fulfilling your own potential: it’s about helping your children fulfill theirs.” When the Glass Slipper Doesn’t Fit, Worley and Cloninger. Responsibilities include loving, training, and providing for your children’s needs. Children - Need to be nurtured, not rushed out of childhood. Pat Zell suggests our children have rights to be a child: the right to be loved -- the right to be disciplined the right to be protected -- the right to learn to think the right to know they have a lot to learn the right to learn respect -- the right to learn to forgive the right to learn patience -- the right to spiritual involvement the right to encouragement Friends - One must be a friend in order to have a friend. Genuine friendships last a lifetime. They need to be cherished as one would a rare treasure.

4. ELEMENTS OF A GOOD RELATIONSHIP RESPECT DIGNITY LOVE

6. How to Avoid Verbal SCUD Missiles Learn from the defensiveness of your spouse. Don’t take it personally. Recognize their defensiveness is because you have threatened their self-esteem. The next day, ask your spouse why he or she thinks they got so defensive at your comment. The answer may give you genuine insight into your spouse’s emotional history. Learn the art of making requests. For some, this means asking if their spouse would be open to a suggestion. For all of us, it means couching our criticisms in the form of a request rather than a demand. “Do you know what would make me happy?” “Do you know what I would like for you to do for me?” “Would it be possible for you to…” This is the language of requests. Make sure that your statements of truth are expressed in love. Am I sharing this because I sincerely believe it will benefit my spouse? If it does not pass the test of love, it should not be shared.

8. ADAPTING TO CHANGE CHANGE = ADVENTURE, RISK, FEAR OF THE UNKOWN….. Adapting to change is tempered by who we are, life experiences and expectations. Our attitudes may reflect an open mind and be receptive to new experiences. We may cling to the comfort and security of wanting things to stay the same. We may not have a choice and be forced into change. Our inherent nature of optimism or pessimism determines if we look for the best in any situation.

9. EXAMPLE OF CHANGE COLLEGE - a big change in your life - what brought you here in the first place? Identify your support system. Set goals so you can measure your accomplishments. Recognize the VALUE of the change you are experiencing. The college experience tends to help one be more accepting of new ideas and more able to control one’s future. “The most fundamental value of education is that it makes life more interesting. This is true whether you are fetched up on a desert island or adrift in the impersonal loneliness of the urban hurley-burley. It allows you to see things which the uneducated do not see. It allows to understand things which do not occur to the less learned. In short, it makes it less likely that you will be a crashing bore to those whose company you keep. By analogy, it makes the difference between the traveler who understands the local language and the traveler to whom the local language is a jumble of nonsense words.” Kingman Brewster, former president of Yale University

10. CHALLENGE TO CHANGE Change is a process. Long-lasting changes require a well-defined series of stages. Stage 1: Precontemplation - People in this stage often start to pay attention when they understand the dangers of their problem behavior (drinking, smoking, overweight). Stage 2: Contemplation - “I should change, but…” You may be stalled because you fear the costs of change. Make a list of the pros and cons. You must be convinced that the benefits of making the change outweigh the sacrifices. Stage 3: Preparation - You must have a game plan to be successful at a behavioral change or eliminating a bad habit. Examples: Change of routine, mental defense against temptations, plan for obstacles, set a date and go public, try a halfway measure, etc.

11. Stage 4: Action - Decide whether to go it alone or in an established program. Strengthen your commitment - personal responsibility. Set goals. Establish rewards. Replace old behaviors with healthy ones. Change your environment. Get support. Stage 5: Maintenance - Learn from your mistakes through trial and error. Do not let slip ups get you down. Chart your progress. Keep your confidence by keeping your perspective.

12. GROWTH OCCURS IN SIX DIMENSIONS Intellectual development - Learn how to create ideas in your own words and express them to others. Occupational development - Awareness of opportunities in the world of work that fit your interests and abilities, as well as an appreciation of how liberal arts and sciences provide thinking skills that are applicable to the great majority of career fields. Emotional development - Learning to cope with stress and anxiety, awareness of personal feelings, enthusiasm for life and ability to succeed Physical development - The lifelong value of prevention in fitness, exercise, and nutrition. Social development - The value of contributing to the common welfare of our community and getting along with others. Spiritual development - Gaining a sense of one’s own values as well as an appreciation of the value systems of others, a sense of ethics, and a general appreciation of life and the natural forces in the universe.

14. CONFLICT A normal part of life Cannot be eliminated. Can be reduced. Usually follows the emotion of anger Caused mostly by misunderstanding Reduced by better communication

15. THE DIRTY FIGHTERS Avoider - refuses to fight; pretends to be busy or asleep; will not face issues. Guilt-Maker - tries to change another’s behavior by making him feel guilty. Mind Reader - explains what the other person really means. Gunnysacker - “saves” his feelings; attacks later. Joker - refuses to be serious; blocks feelings. Belt-Liner - hurts or belittles partner; “gets even”.

16. FIGHTING FAIRLY Identify the problem as your own by using “I” language. Be clear and direct in expressing thoughts and feelings. Listen to the other’s thoughts and feelings. Make reasonable requests, not demands. Negotiate/compromise. Implement the solution.

18. PROACTIVE vs. REACTIVE If you are in a canoe in the middle of a lake, the absence of an oar forces you to float in the direction of the current and have no control over where you are going or the condition in which you get to shore. People resistant to change lack the oar to set the direction of their lives. One guarantee in life: change will happen without your consent.

19. PROACTIVE STANCE Gain as much information as possible about the new situation Talk with someone in a position to provide you answers to your questions. List positive outcomes you anticipate from this change. Have your support system available during difficult times Set small goals to accomplish along the way. Identify something good that happens each and every day during the process. Let go of excess baggage that no longer applies to your life.

20. LIFE CHANGES College Divorce Career change Death in the family Retirement Empty nest Health problems

22. We hope you have enjoyed this workshop and gained some useful information from it. Please complete and return an Academic Enrichment Summary so that we may document your participation in this workshop. If you are viewing this workshop via the internet please come by the Student Support Services office to complete an Academic Enrichment Summary or you may click on the link in the directions box on the Workshops page and print it out or e-mail it to: rcrews@wallace.edu so that we may document your participation. Handouts available upon request. EXIT