Marriage

1. Marriage In America

2. Before the engagement? • Before a couple starts planning a wedding, they need to have some serious conversations about life goals, to make sure they are both on the same path. If couples don’t share compatible feelings on major topics, they may not be suited to marriage. When approaching a serious commitment, people must think with their heads, as well as their hearts: • Roles of friends and family • Views on religion • Career plans • Financial planning • Leisure time • Views on having children and parenting • Housekeeping standards and expectations • Roles of each person in a marriage relationship

3. What is an engagement? An engagement is a promise to marry… a public statement or announcement of a couple’s intentions to wed. A betrothal. It is the period of time between a ‘proposal of marriage’, and the actual marriage. The future bride-to-be is called the fiancée; the future husband-to-be is called the fiancé (both words pronounced the same in French). Engagements may be a long or short period of time. Engagements may be announced at an engagement party hosted by the bride’s parents, or with a photo and announcement in the newspaper, or by word of mouth.

4. What is an engagement? It is customary for the American man to propose marriage to a woman, by offering her the gift of an engagement ring. While this could be a gem stone or birthstone, it is traditionally a diamond ring. CARAT: Refers to ‘size’ of the gem; 1 carat = 0.2 grams. COLOR: Colorless diamonds emit more sparkle and fire; blue, green, and yellow diamonds are rare and very expensive CLARITY: identifying characteristics on (blemishes) and within (inclusions) the stone CUT: The angles and finish of the stone lead to its brilliance DON’T FORGET COST: Love cannot be measured by the amount of money spent on an engagement ring; a good rule of thumb is… do not exceed ‘2 months salary’ .

5. Calling off the engagement? It’s easier to call off a wedding than to go through a divorce. Historically , when a man backed out of the wedding after he had proposed marriage and the woman had accepted, she was entitled to file a suit for damages for the embarrassment of the broken engagement. Such lawsuits for ‘breach of promise’ were gradually outlawed in various states and no longer exist. Law suits do still exist in some of these cases, however. The jilted ‘bride’ can file a civil suit, to recover any costs she may have already incurred… such as the cost of a dress, the rental of a reception hall, the down payment to a caterer, etc. Any gifts she has received from the groom-to-be, including an engagement ring, are hers to keep. (family heirlooms, however, must be returned)

6. What is marriage? Matrimony; wedlock; marriage. By dictionary definition, marriage is a legally recognized relationship, established by a civil or religious ceremony, between two people who intend to live together as sexual and domestic partners. Each partner is known as the ‘spouse’ of the other. Marriage is often defined differently, depending on culture.

7. What is marriage? Monogamy is the custom or condition of having only one mate. The word "monogamy" comes from the Greek word monos, which means one or alone, and gamos, which means marriage or union. The term monogamy, however, may also be applied to a couple who are not formally married, but maintain an exclusive sexual relationship. Polygamy is a term that refers to multiple marriages, such as multiple women married to one man or multiple men married to one woman.

8. What is marriage? To be defined as a common law marriage within the states that allow it, the two people must: agree that they are married, live together (sometimes for a minimal amount of time, such as 7 years), and present themselves as husband and wife. Nebraska does not recognize common law marriage except for the legal division of property after a separation/divorce. Some states still do recognize common law marriages. They are a ‘valid marital relationship without the legal marriage ceremony.

9. Cohabitation … Cohabitation is the decision by couples to live together without the legal contract of marriage to bind them. These couples must deal with the same issues of commitment as married couples: fidelity and permanence. Playing house? Research and statistics show that: Cohabitating couples are more likely than married people to have affairs outside the relationship. Although the majority of cohabitating (heterosexual) couples plan to marry, only about 1/3 of them actually do. Divorce is more likely for couples who lived together prior to marriage. Studies show that cohabitation before marriage has negative consequences. Wilson & Daly 2001; Qu & Weston 2001; Nock 1995; Cohan & Kleinbaum 2002, CDC 2002 Just 55% of Americans approve of men and women living together without being married. - Gallup. 2007.

10. Staying single … The number of adults choosing not to marry or cohabitate is increasing. 1970… men over 40… 4.9% had never been married; women was 6.3% 2010… men over 40… 20.4% had never been married; women was 13.8% Disadvantage of staying single: - It is a more expensive way to live Reasons given for staying single: -Unable to find a suitable partner - Can enjoy intimate relationships without the constraints of marriage - Do not want to be ‘trapped’ by a mate who stands in the way of personal or career development or independent financial decisions - Do not want to have children

11. Deciding to marry … The age at which adults are marrying is increasing. The median (middle point) age for a man's first marriage was 28.2 years in 2010, up from 26.1 in 1990. The median age for a woman's first marriage was 26.1 years in 2010, up from 23.9 in 1990. According to the federal government's General Accounting Office (GAO), more than 1,100 rights and protections are conferred to U.S. citizens upon marriage. Areas affected include Social Security benefits, veterans' benefits, health insurance, Medicaid, hospital visitation, estate taxes, retirement savings, pensions, family leave, and immigration law.

12. Mixed marriages … Parents, extended families, communities and social institutions sometimes frown upon ‘mixed’ marriages. A mixed marriage may be inter-faith, inter-racial, inter-nationality, or even two people from different social or economic backgrounds.

13. Mixed marriages … Marriage usually requires some compromise, but mixed marriages may require even more problem-solving. Some issues may seem insignificant; others may be overwhelmingly difficult. For example: Is this a problem? If a Muslim marries a Protestant, can they ever serve pork in their home? (Muslims consider pork as ‘unclean’; they cannot touch or eat it)

14. Mixed marriages … Marriage usually requires some compromise, but mixed marriages require even more problem-solving. Is this a problem? A Methodist husband wants his child baptized as an infant, so if the child dies prematurely, he will go to heaven. The Baptist wife insists that they wait until the child is about 12 years old, and completes religious instruction.

15. Mixed marriages … Is this a problem? If a Lutheran marries a Catholic, will they attend the same church? How will their children be raised? As a Catholic, they might pray to Mary; as a Lutheran they would only pray to God or Christ.

16. Mixed marriages … Is this a problem? An African-American wife goes to her family’s home alone, because they won’t allow her Caucasian husband in the house. OR An African-American wife never sees her parents again, because they won’t allow her Caucasian husband in the house.

17. Mixed marriages … Is this a problem? A United States father-in-law tells everyone that his Italian son-in-law is probably a crime boss… because he believes ALL Italians are in the Mafia. He makes Italian jokes and uses slurs.

18. Mixed marriages … Is this a problem? A woman from a very wealthy family wants to marry a man who was raised in poverty. She is used to an active social life of debutant balls and 8 course dinners; his idea of an evening out is ‘hamburgers at a fast food place’. She is used to limousines; he drives a 15 year old, rusty Chevy. She dresses up in long gowns and heels; he dresses up in corduroy pants and a polo shirt.

19. Do you know how your parents and other family members would react if YOU entered into a mixed marriage? Are there some types of mixed marriages that they would not accept, and others that they would?

20. Same sex marriages … In 1996, the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) became federal law, defining marriage as the legal union of one man and one woman for federal and inter-state recognition purposes in the United States. DOMA allows each state to choose whether or not to recognize a same-sex union that is recognized in another state. DOMA is under-going many court challenges. Nebraska State law limits marriage to relationships between a man and a woman. Nebraska currently gives no spousal rights to any gay or lesbian domestic partnerships or civil unions.

21. Types of weddings… A couple whose groom is enlisted in the Armed Forces may have a military wedding in which the groom wears his uniform. A military wedding is considered a formal wedding and guests should dress formally. Oftentimes, the groom's guests will also be in the armed forces and will wear their uniforms as well. If the ushers are active duty servicemen, they may traditionally form an "arch of steel" with their swords or sabers, for the married couple to pass through at the conclusion of the ceremony.

22. Types of weddings … Destination weddings allow the couple to completely design their wedding ceremony to fit the location, usually far from home. Options for destinations are limitless: a beach, Las Vegas, New York City, nature parks, aquariums, baseball stadiums, golf courses, zoos, theme parks, on a boat, in a mansion or castle, historical monuments, a winery, or museum. Destination weddings have several advantages, from getting to spend an extended time with family, to an easy transition to a honeymoon. They can be very expensive, especially for the guests who might be expected to pay their own lodging and transportation, but may be less expensive than weddings at home due to smaller numbers of people invited.

23. Types of weddings … A couple may choose to be married at the courthouse or other location by a judge. This would be considered a civil wedding. The civil wedding is not religious.

24. Types of weddings … A double wedding unites two couples in a joint ceremony. One or two officiates may preside over the weddings. Two sisters or best friends marrying at the same time might choose this. A double wedding can be a money-saver, especially if the two couples share common friends or family members in attendance.

25. Types of weddings … The traditional wedding has the familiar ceremony, which may be held in a church, garden, banquet hall, hotel lobby, etc. Traditional wedding vows are recited in front of bridesmaids, groomsmen, family, and friends. Common practices include sending out invitations, flowers, designer dresses, tuxedos, and limousines. The traditional wedding is followed by a reception, which may vary from a cake and punch reception to a sit-down dinner. Dancing and socializing follow.

26. Types of weddings … Some couples choose an at-home wedding, especially if their home is large or if they have beautiful landscaping or indoor features and décor. The at-home wedding is often quite small, unless it is outdoors or large tents can be set up on the lawn.

27. Types of weddings … An elopement is a term used for any marriage performed in haste or in private or without a public period of engagement. Some couples elope because they dislike or cannot afford an expensive wedding ceremony, they want to avoid attention, or wish to avoid objections from parents or friends. Some couples return after an elopement, to announce their marriage and/or have a belated wedding reception.

28. Marriage law … To apply for a Nebraska marriage license, both the bride and groom must appear in person at the time of applying. They must provide the names of their parents (including mother’s maiden name), and your parent’s birthplaces. If you were previously married, you must provide the court date the marriage was dissolved or the date of death of former spouse. You must also provide a picture ID, and social security number. You do not need to be a resident of Nebraska. There is no waiting period, once the license is issued. It is valid for one year. Nebraska will not issue a marriage license for any applicant under the age of 17 years. 17 and 18 year olds are considered minors, and must have the written consent of a legal guardian.

29. Marriage law … Nebraska Revised Statutes, 42-108:Every judge, retired judge, or clerk magistrate, and every preacher of the gospel authorized by the usages of the church to which he or she belongs to solemnize marriages, may perform the marriage ceremony in this state. Every such person performing the marriage ceremony shall make a report of his or her proceedings, showing the bride and grooms signatures, and names and residences of at least two witnesses who were present at such marriage. That report must be returned to the county clerk who issued the license within fifteen days after such marriage has been performed. The county clerk shall record the return or cause it to be recorded in the same book where the marriage license is recorded.

30. Wedding traditions … Many couples include folklore or traditions in their wedding festivities. Do you know the meaning or superstitions behind the traditions? The white wedding dress symbolizes purity. It is not appropriate for 2nd weddings. Married in white, you will have chosen right. Married in grey, you will go far away. Married in black, you will wish yourself back. Married in red, you wish yourself dead. Married in green, ashamed to be seen. Married in blue, you will always be true. Married in pearl, you will live in a whirl. Married in yellow, ashamed of your fellow. Married in brown, you will live out of town. Married in pink, your fortune will sink. A bride who makes her own wedding dress will shed a tear for every stitch she sews. (tears of joy or sorrow?)

31. Wedding traditions … A white wedding veil worn over the face symbolizes virginity. To wear or carry something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue… brings good luck. According to English lore, it is the best of luck omen for the bride to find a spider in her gown on her wedding day. The Greek bride tucked a sugar cube in her glove, to foretell the sweetness of the union.

32. Wedding traditions … Stag parties were first held by ancient Spartan soldiers, who kissed their bachelor days goodbye with a rowdy party. It is tempting fate for the bride to write out or sign her married name before her wedding day… the wedding will not take place. The first member of the newlywed couple to purchase a new item following the wedding will be the dominant force in the relationship. Mrs. John Smith

33. Wedding traditions … The bride’s father put a penny in the bride’s shoe to symbolize the last financial support he would provide for her, and it was also a wish for good fortune. Rings symbolize eternity and endlessness, because of their circular shape; a never-ending marriage. It is worn on the left 3rd finger, which was once believed to lead more directly to the heart. It is considered bad luck to ever remove the ring, drop it on the floor during the wedding ceremony, or purchase the rings on a Friday.A tight ring was an omen of jealousy or the stifling of one spouse by the other; a ring that is too loose foretold a parting of the ways through acts of forgetfulness (like forgetting an anniversary, etc.).

34. Wedding traditions … Traditionally, the bridesmaids also wore white dresses, to confuse the evil spirits so they wouldn’t know exactly who the bride was. The bride’s father walked her down the aisle and ‘gave her away’. Women were historically considered ‘property’, and the bride’s father was actually transferring HIS property to the groom. Now she would love and obey her husband.

35. Wedding traditions … For the groom to name a ‘best man’ dates back to a time when the groom actually had to CATCH his bride. He literally chose the ‘best man’ of the tribe to help him hunt for, chase, and catch her. It is considered bad luck for the groom to see the bride on their wedding day before she walks down the aisle. This originated from the days when marriages were arranged, and the bride and groom had literally not MET before the ceremony!

36. Wedding traditions … Flowers: Orange blossoms represent purity, chastity, and fertility. Roses signify love. Avoid peonies, as they symbolize shame, or any combination of red and white flowers which symbolize blood and bandages. The Romans extended the tradition of bouquets to the wearing of garlands and wreaths. It was also believed that evil spirits could not harm someone inside a circle.

37. Wedding traditions … When the bride throws her bouquet, the single maid who catches it will be the next to marry. It is NOT, however, a long-standing tradition for the groom to throw the wife’s garter. An old wives' tale: If the younger of two sisters marries first, the older sister must dance barefoot at the wedding or risk never landing a husband. In Victorian times, it was deemed  unlucky if a woman married a man whose last name began with the same letter as hers. As was typical of the times, a little rhyme was created to help remember the rule: “To change the name and not the letter Is to change for the worse and not the better.”

38. Wedding traditions … Guests at the wedding used to shower the bride and groom with nuts and grains to insure a bountiful harvest, and many children to work the land. Rice replaced that, and symbolized fertility. Birdseed replaced rice, because the birds ate it better, which made for an easy cleanup. Balloons, bubbles, etc. have replaced that… due to lawsuits when people stepped on the slippery grains on the sidewalks.

39. Wedding traditions … It is considered bad luck for the bride to bake her own wedding cake. Cutting the cake… the first act of the couple ‘working together’ Feeding each other cake… caring and nurturance for each other Sleeping with a few of the crumbs or small piece of cake beneath your pillow… dream of your true love or the person you will marry.

40. Wedding traditions … If candles lit on the wedding day sputter and go out it means those evil spirits are nearby, waiting to cause mischief. Rain on your wedding day is bad luck. The rain drops represent the many tears a bride will cry throughout her married life.  It was considered bad luck for the marriage if the bride tripped while stepping into their first home together… thus the custom arose for the groom to carry the bride over the threshold.

41. Wedding traditions … Prior to the invention of metal bedsprings, you had to tie a network of knots to form a mesh to support a mattress. The expression ‘to tie the knot’ simply meant to ‘prepare the marriage bed’. It can also symbolize the marriage bond. The bride stands to the groom's left during a Christian ceremony, because in bygone days the groom needed his right hand free to fight off other suitors.

42. Wedding traditions … Tying cans on back of wedding car… wards off evil spirits; a car that won’t start is bad luck. Marrying when the hands on the clock are on their way down means your marriage will always be going downhill. It`s considered far better to marry between the half hour and the hour, when the hands are moving back up.

43. Wedding traditions … Honeymoon… The term "honeymoon" comes from ancient weddings, where the newly married couple would drink honey wine for thirty days after their wedding. Weddings were only held on a night where there was a full moon. They drank the honey wine for a month, thirty days, until the next full moon, hence the name "honey moon”.

44. Wedding traditions … Princess Victoria established the tradition of playing Wagner's "Bridal Chorus" during her wedding processional in 1858. It comes from the 1850 opera Lohengrin, by German composer Richard Wagner. Often known as “Here Comes the Bride”, it is banned from many religious services. Wagner wrote operas with pagan themes and in this opera, the song preceded murder and the wedding was a failure.

45. Wedding costs … Wedding Cost Calculator The average cost of a wedding in the United States topped $27,000 in 2012. This may vary depending on venue (ceremony location), how many guests you invite, food, attire, and how many professionals are involved. Traditionally, the bride’s family pays for the ceremony, all attire, flowers, decorations, gifts for bridesmaids, reception venue, photography, invitations, food, etc. The groom and groom’s family pays for the rings, the bride’s bouquet, gifts for groomsmen, the pre-nuptial dinner, the music at the reception or dance, and the honeymoon. Today’s bridal couples have exceeded normal monetary limits, by asking all attendants to pay for their own clothing and accessories… but this can be a financial hardship on friends.

46. Wedding guest etiquette … You have received a wedding announcement. The couple was married in Las Vegas 3 weeks ago, and now are simply ‘announcing’ their marriage. You are not invited to any reception or ceremony. Should you respond to this announcement? You take or send a gift, even if you can’t attend the reception. You have received an invitation to a wedding reception. You are not invited to the wedding ceremony itself. Whether the couple was married weeks before OR if the couple is being married just prior to the reception… the response you make is the same. What IS the correct response? You MUST RSVP by the deadline… so they can order and pay for the correct number of meals! You also take or send a gift, even if you can’t attend the wedding. You have received an invitation to a wedding ceremony, followed by a wedding dinner. The couple has asked you to RSVP by a given date. What is the correct response to this invitation? Yes… you should send a note of good wishes, and a gift.

47. Weddings with ethnic influences… Many couples prefer weddings with ethnic/cultural influences, rather than more traditional American customs. Here are just a few examples: The Chinese bride may wear a red wedding dress, symbolizing love and joy. In some Hispanic weddings, a large rosary or white rope ("laso") is sometimes wound around the couple's shoulders in a figure-8 symbol of "infinity" during the wedding ceremony to symbolize their union as one.

48. Weddings with ethnic influences… An Italian wedding custom is to present five sugar-coated almonds to the guests which represent health, wealth, long life, fertility, and happiness. Some Greek newlyweds wear a crown of flowers during the wedding ceremony, and walk around the altar three times symbolizing the Holy Trinity. In a Jewish wedding the Groom stomps on a wrapped wine glass, breaking it and reminding guests that love is fragile. The audience may shout Mazel Tov, and the Bride and Groom kiss.

49. Marriage The End