handling difficult people

1. Handling Difficult People By Dana Pergrem Based on the works of Dr. Robert Bramson, et al.

3. How Do You Cope With Them? Think of a recent conflict with a DP Describe the situation Who was involved? How did they act? How did you respond? Were you pleased with the outcome? Is there a more effective way?

4. You Have Options Stay and do nothing Use for a short duration situation but this option builds resentment if used long-term Example: Suffering thru a rude customer Remove yourself from the situation Use when you are losing control or when you have a choice Example: Don�t go to lunch with annoying coworkers. Make other plans instead.

5. You Have Options Change your attitude Try to see the person or situation differently Everyone is difficult at some point Our personality differences make us rich Understand where others are coming from Threatened? Frustrated? We all have hidden problems to deal with Example: A boss with a sick child is hostile Understand what others want

6. You Have Options Change your behavior Employ effective learnable strategies for handling difficult people If what you�re doing isn�t working, try new approaches The following are guidelines. Not all strategies work for all people all of the time. Let�s take a look

7. Identifying Common Types of DPs Steamrollers Snipers Complainers Clams Ultra-Agreeables Perpetual Pessimists Know-It-Alls Indecisives * Clearly not every DP fits neatly into one of these simple categories

8. The Steamroller �Gonna roll right over you� Their Behavior: Hostile & Pushy Intimidating Controlling Superior Your Goal: Command Respect

9. The Steamroller Your Behavior: Remain calm Speak quietly & deliberately Above all, stand-up for yourself (but do so appropriately) Try to get the DP to sit down Avoid a head-on fight if possible Be ready to be friendly once the incident has passed

10. The Sniper �I�ve got you in my sights� Their Behavior: Secret attacks & hidden back-stabbing Innuendo, digs & non-playful teasing Negative undertones & superior attitude Avoids confrontation Your Goal: Bring the sniper out of hiding

11. The Sniper Your Behavior: Be aware of what is happening Surface the attack with questions Flush out the real problem & deal with it Point out facts & consequences Try to provide a peaceful alternative Seek group confirmation (snipers hate being exposed to others)

12. The Complainer �I�m so blah, blah. . .� Their Behavior: Points out problems but doesn�t offer any ideas or solutions Feels powerless Strong sense of what �should� be happening Self-validating (others don�t change) Your Goal: Form a problem-solving alliance

13. The Complainer Your Behavior: Listen & acknowledge but do not agree or apologize Ask questions to get them to think Focus on problem-solving. Ask �What action do you plan to take?� Continue asking �What do you plan to do?� State facts - avoid argument

14. The Clam �No comment� Their Behavior: Silent Unresponsive Your Goal: Persuade the clam to talk

15. The Clam Your Behavior: Ask open-ended questions If response is �I don�t know� ask them to take a guess Provide enough time for a response but set time limits Present two options & ask them to choose Lighten-up & watch for non-verbal signals

16. The Ultra-Agreeable �Sure, I�ll do it� Their Behavior: Quick to agree Slow to deliver or follow-through Over commit themselves Need to be liked & make others feel liked Your Goal: Get a commitment you can count on

17. The Ultra-Agreeable Your Behavior: Make honesty non-threatening Focus on realistic commitments Surface underlying issues that prevent them from taking action Establish a relationship; take personal interest in them Propose win-win solutions

18. The Perpetual Pessimist �It will never work� Their Behavior: Believe everything will fail (although they are personally competent) �It won�t work� as mantra Tap potential for despair in others Your Goal: Transition to problem-solving

19. The Perpetual Pessimist Your Behavior: Be alert to being �dragged down� Use them as a resource Ask what has been done before; what worked, what didn�t & why Set-up a �worst case scenario� to demonstrate that even the worst outcome isn�t horrible or insurmountable Don�t argue

20. The Know-It-All �Let me tell you all about it� Their Behavior: Think they know everything & will be happy to share it with you - - ad nauseam Feel that your ideas are inferior Can be condescending & pompous Your Goal: Open the know-it-all�s mind to new ideas

21. The Know-It-All Your Behavior: Turn them into a �mentor� Ask for their opinion Listen carefully & acknowledge Present your views as alternatives Be prepared & know your stuff but don�t challenge or try to be a counter expert Ask questions firmly but don�t confront

22. The Indecisive �On the other hand . . .� Their Behavior: Post-pones decision-making until it is too late & the decision makes itself Doesn�t like confrontation so hints & evades the issue In a perpetual state of �I don�t know� or �gathering information� Your Goal: Help the indecisive think decisively

23. The Indecisive Your Behavior: Give scenarios: �Either this or this will happen. Which is best?� Help them problem-solve & clarify options Establish a comfortable relationship Make it easy for them to be direct by being pleasant, reassuring & by surfacing conflicts & issues

24. General Responses to DPs Remain calm Listen actively Try to diffuse the situation Use �I� statements instead of �you always� statements Be firm, consistent, persistent & confident Try to lessen your exposure to the behavior Try to reduce the causes of the behavior

25. Difficult People Action Plan Assess the situation What is the behavior, with whom does it occur, how frequently? Why do you think it is occurring? Has the person acted the same in similar situations? Is my reaction out of proportion? Was there a specific trigger? Will open, direct discussion help?

26. Difficult People Action Plan Stop wishing �they� were different Give up this magical wish. It will drive you crazy. Very rarely does someone wake-up one morning a totally different person. It�s not going to happen. Deal with the situation as it is Blaming is not helpful

27. Difficult People Action Plan Get some distance between you & the behavior Labeling the behavior can sometimes help understanding Formulate a plan for interrupting the interactions Negative versus positive interaction Change your behavior to break the cycle

28. Difficult People Action Plan Implement your plan Timing & preparation are important Assess & modify accordingly If it�s not working try something else Unfortunately, sometimes just abandoning the effort & removing yourself is the best option Transfer Walk away

29. Handling Difficult People By Dana Pergrem Based on the works of Dr. Robert Bramson, et al.