Chapter 7 Love and Communications in Intimate Relationships

1. Chapter 7Love and Communications in Intimate Relationships

2. What is Love? • Love is difficult to define • Means different things to different people • Difficult to measure • Love • Unconditional; deep understanding; they will be there for you; an action; an emotion; active concern for the growth and development of the other person; when you think the feeling could never be any better; care more for the other than you do for yourself; unexplainable feeling of caring; open and unafraid around another; • When another person’s happiness is essential to your own. • Stranger in a Strange Land Robert Heinlein • Intimacy • Physical closeness and contact; deep sharing; feeling of lust; trust; sexual contact; emotional closeness; touching, messing around and intercourse; • Into me you see

3. What is Love? • How do you know you are in love? What do people say? • You just know! • You just feel it! • When you can’t stop thinking about a person • Emotional satisfaction • Warm fuzzy feeling • Nothing else matters

4. What is Love? • What Kids say: • “When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn’t bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too, That’s love.” Rebecca, age 8 • “When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You know that your name is safe in their mouth.” Billy, age 4 • “Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday.” Noelle, age 7 • “My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don’t see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.” Clare, age 6 • “Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty but still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford.” Chris, age 7

5. What is Love? Take a few moments and write out what it FEELS like to be in love Does not have to be a romantic love, parent, sibling, child, friend • If you have never been in love, what do you want it to FEEL like? • Use feeling words; Love looks like? Love tastes like? Love’s touch is like? Love sounds like? Love smells like? • Is there a difference between being “in love with someone” and “loving someone”? What is that difference?

6. What is Love? (cont.) • Rubin's "love scale" • 3 components • Attachment – desire for physical presence and emotional support • Caring – concern for other’s well-being • Intimacy – desire for close, confidential communication • Supported by some research on eye contact

7. Types of Love • Passionate love (infatuation or romance in an individual) • Intense psychological feelings, idealization of other • Physiological arousal, strong sexual desire for the other • Chemical infusion in the brain, oxycitosin • Same problem with any drug, desensitation • This chemical cocktail in the brain is called “Limerance” • Read Dorothy Tennov on this. “She didn't see limerence (a term she invented, which is now part of the lexicon) as particularly "functional" for its victims, but rather one of the many tricks evolution has played on us that cause us to operate independently of our own welfare as defined by our conscious and reasoned goals, our pleasures and reasoned fears. It takes over.” • It tends to overpower the rational mind (frontal cortex) • You can do really stupid things, break agreements with other partners, make commitments you cannot keep • Is blind to problems • Can last for a long time if unsatisfied • Tends to go away if satisfied

8. Types of Love • Passionate love (if you both have it) • Desire to avoid conflict, blind to problems • Enjoy feelings of completeness, two against the world • Expectation of enduring, provides the focus that allows getting to know each other quickly • Tends to be short-lived • Eventual transition to another kind of love or end relationship • What happens when a married or committed person falls into NRE with someone else? • Can you keep yourself from ever falling in passionate love again?

9. Types of Love (cont.) • Companionate love • friendly affection & deep attachment, growing together • familiarity & tolerance for short-comings, forgiving • nurturance & problem-solving, commitment to solutions • richer, more meaningful sexuality • more enduring than passionate love (NRE can burn you out, compassionate love builds you up)

10. Types of Love (cont.) • Sternberg's triangular theory • 3 faces, or components • passion • intimacy • commitment • Notice the triangle carefully, how the feelings at each of the two points join to form a specific type of love, and all three join to form consummate love Sternberg’s love triangle: (a) the three components of love; and (b) the various kinds of love as reflected in different combinations of the three components. Note: Nonlove is the absence of all three components.

11. Types of Love (cont.) • Sternberg's triangular theory over time • passion builds then fades • intimacy & commitment continue to build Sternberg theorizes that the passion component of love peaks early in a relationship and then declines, whereas the other two components, intimacy and commitment, continue to build gradually over time.

12. Types of Love (cont.) • Lee's styles of loving • romantic (eros) • game-playing (ludus) • possessive (mania) • compassionate (storge) • altruistic (agape) • pragmatic (pragma)

13. Romantic Love • Knee (1998) Five components of romanticism • Love can conquer all • The belief that each person has only one true love • The beloved will live up to the ideals of the lover • Love at first sight is possible • It is better to follow your heart than your mind when choosing a partner. • Can you see where this could lead to problems?

14. Romantic Love: A human universal? • Jankwiak & Fischer (1992) research • Five indicators of love in a society • Stories of anguish & longing • Love songs, folklore that emphasize romantic motives • Mutual affection – elopement • Native stories of passionate love • Ethnographer accounts of romantic love • Documented the existence of love in 146 out of 166 societies that were studied, probably not enough data on other 20 • Conclusion: romantic love may be universal or near-universal

15. Falling in Love: Why and With Whom • The chemistry of love • Neurotransmitters similar to amphetamine • norepinephrine • dopamine • phenylethylamine (PEA) • Body builds tolerance for PEA, diminished giddiness & euphoria • Endorphins may be responsible for deeper attachments: produce a sense of tranquility, security • Loss or potential loss of loved one, may be similar to drug withdrawal

16. Falling in Love: Why and With Whom (cont.) This slide and the next three list some of the most important factors which determine with whom we are most likely to fall in love – think about how these factors have affected the person(s) with whom you’ve fallen in love • Proximity (how geographically close the person is to you, e.g., lives in the dorm room next to yours vs. lives on the East coast) • mere exposure effect, familiarity breeds liking • familiarity breeds predictability  greater comfort • greater proximity often reflects shared interests

17. Falling in Love: Why and With Whom (cont.) • Similarity • share similar interests & activities • communicate better • confirm own views & experiences • supportive of values & beliefs • Reciprocity • when someone shows they like us, we tend to like them back • positive reactions to flattery, compliments, attention • lowers likelihood of rejection

18. Falling in Love: Why and With Whom (cont.) • Physical attractiveness • "what's beautiful is good" belief • infants demonstrate early preference for attractiveness • status by association • most important in early stages • may be an index of physical health • heterosexual males place greater value on it than women • The following slide shows the data from Psych 66 Spring 2004 Mate selection questionnaire. Basically, what factors are most important in selecting a mate. Scale 0=not important, 3=most important • Love/Mutual attraction, Emotional Stability and Maturity, Education and Intelligence, Good Looks, Desire for Home and kids, Money -Good Financial security, Traditional view of gender roles

19. Mate Selection Questions, 2004

20. Falling in Love: Why and With Whom (cont.) • Sociobiology – a field in which behavior is explained by evolutionary needs (David Buss is one of the best known sociobiologists in the area of mate attraction) • men attracted to young attractive females to maximize reproductive success • women attracted to older, established men to maximize their reproductive success • These theories cannot be tested or proven, but have been developed by observation • Do these theories help make better sense of any of your experience?

21. The Languages of LoveGary Chapman • Five ways we speak and understand emotional love • Most have a primary love language • Incompatibility sometimes leads to loss of love • Words of affirmation (compliments, encouraging words, kind words) • Quality time (giving undivided attention) • Receiving gifts (visual symbols of love, the gift of self or being there in crisis times) • Acts of service (doing things for each other) • Physical touch (don’t confuse satisfaction of sexual needs with touch as a primary love language. • www.fivelovelanguages.com

22. The Development of Intimacy • Getting love exclusively from the “other” is unreliable and risky • The other WILL die, leave, change – and you are left with what? • Self-love is the first requirement of a healthy love life • Genuine interest, concern, respect for self • I am loveable and worthy of giving and receiving love • A prerequisite for a satisfying relationship with others • How can you expect someone else to love you when you don’t love yourself? • Self-soothing is necessary for security • The ability to calm yourself when things are not going your way • Important in control of jealousy • Important when someone you love does not return your love

23. The Development of Intimacyfrom David Schnarch • “Save the beauty of sex for marriage” intimates the beauty is IN sex. There is no beauty in sex, the beauty is in people. We PUT the beauty in sex by bringing our personal beauty to it. • It isn’t how good you are or who your partner is, it is WHO you are. • Intimate sex is not a natural function • Sexual prime and genital prime are two very different things • Genital prime, hormonally driven, occurs early. Teens are not emotionally ready for intimacy. Their brains are not fully developed. They rarely know themselves well. Yes, their feelings are deeply felt, but they are not like they will be later in life. • Sexual prime has to do with who you are as a person. Sexual intimacy has a lot to do with disclosing yourself through sex, which leads to a more profound sexual experience.

24. Differentiation provides the ability to have Intimacy -based on “Passionate Marriage” by David Schnarch • Self-validation vs. other-validation, you cannot rely on “the other” for your validation • You must have the ability to maintain your sense of self in close proximity to a partner • Non-reactivity to other people’s reactivity • Self-regulation of emotionality so judgment can be used (self-soothing) • Ability to tolerate pain for growth • Ability to participate in a system (family, marriage, job, etc.) without being captured by it • Validation from others does not help our self esteem • www.passionatemarriage.com

25. Differentiation provides the ability to have Intimacy -based on “Passionate Marriage” by David Schnarch • Sexual intimacy is self confrontation and expression of one’s eroticism disclosed in varying degrees during contact with others • From Schnarch “When I am close, I know you in your presence. When I am intimate, I know myself in your presence” • Intimacy takes work • Intimacy needs: Degree of desire to engage and disclose core aspects of self to partner • Intimacy tolerance: Unilateral ability to maintain comfortable and clearly defined identity as self and partner while disclosing core aspects of self • People with low need and tolerance do fine as long as they remain emotionally uninvolved • People with high need and low tolerance cycle in/out of relationships • People highly dependent on partner can have intense erotic experience if appropriate responses from partner are present, but little resilience when faced with partner frustration or inattention. They either demand reassurance or limit intimacy to the level they can maintain unilaterally • Profound desire is not safe without corresponding ability to self-soothe

26. The Development of Relationships • The phases of a relationship • inclusion: an invitation to relate • response: agreeing to relate • care: concern for other's welfare • trust: support and care for each other • affection: warmth & attachment; desire • playfulness: delight in each other • genitality: decision to engage in sex • Although the text suggests that the phases occur in this order, they don’t always, e.g., sometimes people decide to engage in sex very early in a relationship – do you think it’s a problem if the phases of a relationship do not occur in this order?

27. Issues in Loving Relationships • Relationship between love & sex • several possibilities • love leads to sex • sex leads to love • they are not connected • Questions to ask yourself • Does sexual intimacy deepen a love relationship? • Do men & women have different views of sex & love? • Who is more likely to say “Did you get any?” • Who is more likely to say or think “I’ll go to bed with you if you tell me you love me? • In what order have they occurred in your life? • Do you have long term loving, non-sexual relationships? • Do you have sexual relationships that do not lead to love?

28. Issues in Loving Relationships (cont.) • Does sexual orientation affect views of sex & love? • homosexual men are more likely to separate love from sex • lesbians are more likely to postpone sex until intimacy has been established • Falling in love with a same-sex person often helps an individual sort out her/his gay or lesbian identity

29. Issues in Loving Relationships (cont.) • Sex & relationships on your terms • Sexual expression is an individual decision (supported, at least for now, by the Supreme Court) • Knowing and asking for what you want, telling the truth • Clarifying your values • Saying "not yet" to sex. Again, telling the truth • Learning to say “No thank you, but you have very good taste” • Ending a relationship. Again, telling the truth, but without anger or intent to hurt • Managing rejection, being secure in yourself • Anyone who says “If you loved me you would have sex with me” does NOT love you or respect you! • I Repeat…Anyone who says “If you loved me you would have sex with me” does NOT love you or respect you!

30. Issues in Loving Relationships (cont.) • Jealousy in relationships • Definition: an aversive feeling in response to real or imagined relationship between one’s partner and another person • Socially programmed core beliefs: • If my partner really loved me, they would not want anyone else. • If I were good enough, my partner would be satisfied with me. • Love is scarce, if someone else gets some I get less. • It is not possible to love more than one person. • Unresolved insecurities • Belief that I got lucky, I am not really worth loving. • High need to be in control. • Lack or inability to trust • Sexual dissatisfaction and inability to communicate desire.

31. Issues in Loving Relationships (cont.) • Jealousy-prone person • low self-esteem • possessive • high value on wealth, fame, attractiveness and popularity • Negative consequences • precipitates partner violence • stifles relationship development & associated pleasure • raises anxiety, depression, anger, damages self-image • Numerous gender differences in triggers, experience and coping • “Jealousy is all the fun your “think” they had.” Erica Jong, Fear of Flying

32. Issues in Loving Relationships (cont.) • Jealousy has a new “opposite” – “compersion” • An invented word for feeling joy/happiness that the one you love is loved by others • Why would you not feel good that the person who turns you on can also turn other people on? • Does this mean that your lover loves you less? Why? • Does it make you feel good that others find you attractive? • If it does, why should you hide this from your self or lover? • If others find you attractive, do you have to do anything about it? • Is there a limited quantity of love in the world? If someone else gets love from someone who loves you, do you get less? • Can you love more than one person at a time? • Parents? Children? Are you limited to only one friend? • How much energy is spent in “not falling in love”? In not being attractive to others?

33. Maintaining Relationship Satisfaction • Ingredients in lasting love relationship • self-acceptance • appreciation of each other's qualities • commitment • good communication, realistic expectations and shared interests • ability to face & deal with conflict

34. Maintaining Relationship Satisfaction (cont.) • Individual and relationship growth • growth and change maintain relationship • everybody changes with time, couples not always in sync • overcome obstacles • view problems as challenges • negotiate and renegotiate wants • accept each other as unique • be willing to change

35. Maintaining Relationship Satisfaction (cont.) • Sexual Variety in monogamy • communication is critical • be spontaneous, playful • plan for intimate time together • don't worry about frequency "standards" • Alternatives to traditional lifetime monogamous relationships • Serial monogamy, end current relationship if you fall in love with another person (our 50% divorce rate says this is popular) • Celibacy – no sex with others, or not even with yourself • Cohabitation until/unless you want to commit to traditional marriage • LAT – Living Apart Together – Committed relationship but not living together, two career families, distance between jobs, etc. • Group or communal living – growing in popularity, cost savings

36. Maintaining Relationship Satisfaction (cont.) • Open relationships – honest, not sexually possessive • Polyamory, love and sex with more than one person at a time, honest, egalitarian • “Big Love” on TV, this is polygyne, one man and many wives, with Mormon religion thrown in. There are actually many versions of Mormon poly. • Do you expect to see a show with one wife and many husbands? A proposed show on open relationships, “Polly and Marie” has not been picked by any network. • Swinging, sex with other couples at parties, but emotional monogamy • “Swingtown” on TV, these people seem to have trouble with the emotional monogamy part, as do many who are not swingers. Research on swinging says that they are just like other people, but they like sex rather than bridge on Saturday night. • Lots of variation in between these styles

37. The Importance of Communication • Good communication is a valuable asset in developing a satisfying, enduring sexual relationship • The Key is mutual empathy (being able to genuinely feel each others’ feelings) • Honesty is also very important • But good communication is important to all relationships, so this chapter is very important beyond sexual relationships as well

38. The Importance of Communication (cont.) • Why sexual communication is difficult • Socialization • Messages that increase shame & discomfort regarding sexuality are often inadvertently sent • Lack of positive role models for good communication • Presence of negative role models, especially the politicians in our society • The pervasive role of sex in marketing sets a bad example • Just look at the current issue of Cosmo! • We think the other person should “just know” what we want, the ‘glass head’ syndrome

39. The Importance of Communication (cont.) • Why sexual communication is difficult (continued) • Limited acceptable vocabulary • Anxiety about saying something wrong, on top of the anxiety we already have about relationships • Think of all the different words there are for sexual parts and behaviors! How many of them can be used in polite conversation? How many would get your mouth washed out with soap by your mom? • Kinds of words • Scientific – vulva, penis • Common, everyday – pussy, crotch, dick • Childhood – down there, wee-wee, privates • Street/slang – cunt, snatch, johnson • Gender-based differences in the way language is used • Men tend to use language to inform or to gain status or power • Women tend to use language to achieve intimacy & closeness

40. Talking: Getting Started • Ice breakers • Talk with each other about talking about sex • But be careful that your discussion leads where you want to go, e.g., some say that “Talking leads to doing,” which would be good if you want to have sex, but bad if you don’t • Read & discuss the subject - the written word may be easier, less threatening • Use your textbook or the Guide to open a conversation, or buy a sexual magazine like Playboy, or Cosmo [which seems to have more (dumb) articles about sex than anything else] • Share your sexual histories • A very important thing to do before sexual behavior happens

41. Listening and Feedback • Active listening shows genuine interest • Body language, facial expression indicating a willingness to listen • Eye contact is very important, looking away very distracting • Ask clarifying questions or make brief comments, but not interruptions. Ex: Could you clarify that for me. Or: I think you said… • Reciprocal disclosure sometimes helps, but don’t change the focus of the conversation from the speaker to yourself • Feedback demonstrates interest & understanding • “What I hear you saying is….” • Paraphrasing increases understanding • Support partner’s communication efforts “I’m glad you told me how you felt about that.” • Express unconditional positive regard (I’m not going to leave you because you said these things) (I really care to hear what you have to say)

42. Listening and Feedback – Cont. • Questions to ask to see if you are a good listener • Do I frequently interrupt when others are speaking? • Do I frequently shift the topic of discussion toward something I am more interested in? • Do I finish the sentences of others? • Do I find myself spending a lot of time thinking about what I am going to say rather than listening to what the other person is saying? • If the answer is Yes to any of these questions, you need to improve your listening skills.

43. Discovering Your Partner's Needs • Questioning • Yes-no questions least informative, can quickly lead to the end of the conversation • Either-or questions: some structure, slightly more informative, but less likely to reveal the most information • Open-ended questions: least structured, most informative • Can you tell me more about…. • How can I understand this better? • What can we do next?

44. Discovering Your Partner's Needs (cont.) • Self-disclosure • disclosure elicits disclosure • start with small disclosures & build • increases sexual satisfaction • be prepared to back off • Comparing notes • before sex: to avoid slow or frustrating trial & error discoveries • after sex: to reinforce pleasurable activities & improve intimacy • Giving permission • before: to encourage & support efforts to talk • afterwards: to reassure & reinforce

45. Discovering Your Partner's Needs (cont.) • Characteristics of happy couples • Verbally • Resolve their problems • Express their emotions to each other • Communicate well • Have more agreements than disagreements • Attempt to avoid conflict • Try to reach compromise • Are less critical of each other • Nonverbally • Are accurate in interpreting each other’s nonverbal cues • Give more positive and consistent nonverbal cues • Touch each other more • Make eye contact more

46. Learning to Make Requests • Take responsibility for your own pleasure • YOU are responsible for your own orgasms, not your partner • Make specific requests (a little more to the left) • If you ask for what you want, you have at least a 50% chance of getting it, if you don’t ask for it, your chances are near 0 • Be prepared to hear NO, and negotiate for a win-win • If your partner won’t listen to you, you might need a different partner • Use "I" language not “You” • Example: Not “You aren’t sensitive to my need for foreplay.” Instead, “I’d really like to spend more time in foreplay.”

47. Communication • Constructive Complaining Strategies • Be aware of your motivation, what are you trying to accomplish? • Constructive change or shame/blame? • Choose the time & place carefully • Temper complaints with genuine praise • Nurture small steps toward change • Avoid "why" questions • Use I statements, self evaluation without blame • You make me sad • I feel sad • Limit to one complaint at a time, no “garbage dumping” • Garbage is stuff that is more than a few days old

48. Communication (cont.) • Receiving complaints • empathize & paraphrase • acknowledge the basis for the complaint • ask clarifying questions • verbalize your feelings about the problem rather than acting them out • focus on changes that can be made

49. Saying No • Three-step approach • appreciate the request (“Thank you, you have good taste"), rather than being angry about being asked • clearly decline ("I prefer not to") • possibly offer an alternative (“How about …") • Avoid sending mixed messages • consistency in words & actions • if you receive a mixed message, ask for clarification

50. Nonverbal Sexual Communication • Facial expression, often tells a different story than our words • Again, avoid mixed messages • Interpersonal distance • How big is your space bubble? How close do you get to people before you see them back away? Many cultural differences here • Touching • Touching usually makes communication better, but some people don’t want to be touched by strangers • Avoid touch that would be seen as intimate unless you are actually intimate - setting is important, public displays of affection (PDA) can be inappropriate in some settings • Ask permission before touching if not in a relationship • Voice, learn voice cues and verbal styles. Sounds during sex can be very informative! • Do not use non-verbal communication to agree to be sexual, be specific about that permission