Chapter 9: Escalating Relationships

1. Chapter 9:Escalating Relationships

2. 5 Characteristics of Escalating Relationships:- Interaction increases- Partners gain knowledge of one another- Partners become more skilled at predicting each other’s behavior- Partners increase their investments- Warmth, liking, loving, a sense of caring, commitment, and trust increaseRelationship escalation moves partners from social relationships topersonal involvements.Communication is the primary instrument used for relational initiation and escalation.

3. Some Disadvantages of ER’s: Note: Not all people want to escalate relationships. Reasons: - Personal exposure - Fear of abandonment - Fear of angry attacks - Loss of control over the situation - Fear your own destructive impulses

4. Interpersonal Attraction: the Catalyst of Escalation Interpersonal attraction – the various forces that draw people together; involves emotional responses, beliefs, & evaluations; Interpersonal attraction is a learned response.Dimensions of Interpersonal Attraction:- Physical Beauty – defined by cultural standards - communication & beauty - couples matched in beauty

5. Dimensions of Interpersonal AttractionContinued… • Supportiveness • Cognitive Class: Attitude Similarity – aka homogamy; “birds of a feather flock together”“Opposites attract” is true when discussing interpersonal needs. • Sociability: Communication Behaviors – these are the specific interaction behaviors tied to interpersonal attraction: • Sensitivity – conveying a feeling of trust • Confidence – expressing oneself well verbally • Talkativeness • Flirtatiousness (immediacy)

6. Increasing Intimacy/Behaviors That Communicate Liking and Intimacy - Involvement and immediacy – signaling interest in a particular interaction & psychological closeness.- Affection, attraction, liking & love – people in love spend more time gazing into each other’s eyes (mutual gaze) and at close range. Arousal is also indicated by pupil dilation. Relational Development ProcessesDeveloping Relationships On-Line – Most relationships initiated on-line are friendships, although about 10% are romantic.

7. Relationship Readiness/Prerequisites – openness &psychological readinessReasons for forming relationships: • Similarity thesis – “We are alike in many ways.” • Need fulfillment thesis – “We need things from each other.” • Social Exchange Theory & Social Penetration Theory – “This relationship is a good arrangement for us.”– how individuals reveal information about themselves according to the dimensions of breadth (number of topics) and depth (how personal). Rewards are compared against Costs: if C > R = the relationship is not pursued • Investment thesis – “I just care deeply about the other.” • Proximity thesis – “The relationship just happened.”

8. Stages of Relational Escalation/Coming Together(movement throughout these can be: forward or backward, fast or slow, sequential or not sequential.) Initiating – coming into contact with someone; “Hi…I’m a Libra.” This is the most difficult stage. Purpose – inaugurate; to begin; to initiate communication. Communication – conversational openers, unpredictable, awkward.

9. Stages of Coming Together Continued… Experimenting – auditioning for the future: “Do you ski?” “I’m a waitress.” Most relationships do not get beyond this stage. Purpose – discover the unknown, find commonalities, audition for future, reduce uncertainty, maintain sense of community. Communication – small talk More precise information about the partner’s personality and worldview become important as the relationship progresses.

10. Stages of Coming Together Continued… Intensifying – explore more intimate aspects of other; “I want to date you.” Purpose – growth of the relationship, risk-taking, develop uniqueness in the relationship Communication – self-disclosure, private verbal/nonverbal messages. Integrating – merger into a singular identity; “We’re a couple!” Principle peak of the relationship. Euphoric stage. This stage does not last without conscientious action by both parties. Relationship maintenance becomes essential. Purpose – commitment; interpersonal synchrony Communication – commitment and intimacy talk

11. Stages of Coming Together Continued… Bonding – “Let’s get married.” A form of public bonding takes place (engagement.) Developing skills and communication strategies to maintain their relationship in a healthy way is key. Purpose – formal, public contract, seals future Communication – commitment and intimacy talk

12. Research on Relationship Escalation • Relationships are not usually linear • Relationships grow in intimacy to a point, then subside as the relationship becomes stable • Intimate communication is highest in the six to nine week range • Intimate messages tend to subside toward the end of the escalation process • Seriously dating and marriage bound participants touch each other more than married people • Couple become less satisfied with their relationship during their first year of marriage • Relational escalation is marked by ebbs and flows

13. Turning Points - Any event or occurrence that is associated with change in a relationship. • Events such as: whether to commit, a death in the family or making up after a separation can significantly affect the escalation of the relationship. - Most turning points help couples escalate toward commitment.

14. Love Liking – affection and respect Love – attachment, caring and intimacy Gender differences & Love: Women vs. Men Types of Love:Aesthetic love – love of beauty; passionateCompanion loveObsessive love – addictive, jealousRealistic love – logicalPlayful love – love is a game Altruistic love – unselfish